Derby Turds: An Artist Is Selling Kentucky Derby Winner Silver Charm's Poop for $200

Jeff Haynes, AFP/Getty Images
Jeff Haynes, AFP/Getty Images

Kentuckians take their horse racing pretty seriously—so seriously, in fact, that one local artist is hoping to sell the poop of a Kentucky Derby winner for $200 a pop. As the Lexington Herald-Leader reports, Coleman Larkin collected the feces of Silver Charm, the 1997 winner of the world-famous race, and preserved these “meadow muffins” in 16-ounce Mason jars filled with clear epoxy resin.

The goods are being marketed as “Derby Turds,” and part of the proceeds will benefit Old Friends Farm, the Georgetown, Kentucky-based home for retired Thoroughbreds where Silver Charm now resides. In case counterfeit caca is a concern, each jar comes with a tag to prove that the poo did indeed come from a champion horse.

For what it's worth, Silver Charm was one of the most popular race horses of the late 20th century, according to the National Museum of Racing and Hall of Fame, into which he was inducted in 2007. He also won the 1997 Preakness Stakes and nearly secured the Triple Crown, but ended up losing the Belmont Stakes.

Larkin said in a statement that preserving the poop is a labor-intensive process. “The most difficult step is probably the one where I have to ask the type of people that own million-dollar Thoroughbreds if I can please have some horse turds to put in jars,” he said.

So what exactly is one supposed to do with a jar full of horse droppings? Kentucky for Kentucky, the outlet that’s selling a limited supply of Derby Turds online and in its Lexington store, has a few suggestions: “Put it on the mantle in your Old Kentucky Home and be whisked away to a sophisticated world of mint juleps and seersucker every time you see it. Set one on your windowsill and let the sunlight sparkle upon this exquisite specimen of equine excrement. Or plop one in your fluorescent dungeon of an office as the perfect metaphor for your life of neverending horseshit.”

[h/t Associated Press]

Man Opens Can of Beans, Finds Just One Bean

Oli Scarff/Getty Images
Oli Scarff/Getty Images

In Heinz-sight, Steve Smith should’ve ordered take-out for his Tuesday night dinner.

The 41-year-old Conservative councilor in Bristol, England told The Independent that he returned home late from a residents’ meeting and tore open the last can of Heinz Beanz from a multipack in the cupboard.

What he found inside would’ve broken the spirit of even the most steadfast optimist: A pathetic, lone bean drowned in a sea of savory-yet-unsatisfying bean juice.

Smith handled the catastrophe the old-fashioned way, by tweeting a video of his miserable meal and tagging the culpable corporation.

“I thought it was funny—but annoying,” Smith told The Independent. “I thought they might see the funny side.” Heinz responded with an apology and a request for Smith’s details, hopefully to offer him a lifetime supply of beans.

To put it in perspective, an average can of Heinz contains around 465 beans, enough to make your intestines groan. Smith said he eats a can every couple weeks.

For those of you worried that the woebegone bloke went to bed famished, you can rest assured that this story has a happy ending ... at least if you associate happy endings with eggs. Smith scrambled some up to fill the leguminous void in his stomach (and his heart).

[h/t The Independent]

Here's Why You Can't Keep Your Loved One's Skull

hayatikayhan/iStock via Getty Images
hayatikayhan/iStock via Getty Images

Even if showcasing your grandfather’s skull on your living room mantle is the type of offbeat tribute he absolutely would have loved, your chances of making it happen are basically zilch. Mortician Caitlin Doughty explains exactly why in her new book Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs?: Big Questions From Tiny Mortals About Death, excerpted by The Atlantic.

Having written permission from dear old Gramps stating that you are allowed to—and, in fact, should—display his skull after his death simply isn’t enough, for two reasons. First of all, most funeral homes lack the equipment required to decapitate a corpse and thoroughly de-flesh the skull. Doughty admits that she doesn’t even know what that process would entail, though her best guess for a proper cleaning involves dermestid beetles, which museums and forensic labs often use to “delicately eat the dead flesh off a skeleton without destroying the bones.” Unfortunately, the average funeral home doesn’t keep flesh-eating beetles on retainer.

The second hindrance to your macabre mantle statement piece is a legal matter. In order to maintain respect for the dead, abuse-of-corpse laws prevent funeral homes from handing over corpses or bones, but the terms differ widely from state to state. Kentucky’s law, for example, prohibits using a corpse in any way that would “outrage ordinary family sensibilities,” but leaves it entirely open to interpretation how an “ordinary family” would behave.

Sometimes, of course, it’s relatively obvious. Doughty recounts the case of Julia Pastrana, who suffered from hypertrichosis, a condition that caused hair growth all over her face and body. Her husband had her corpse taxidermied and displayed it in freak shows during the 19th century as a money-making scheme—a clear example of corpse abuse. Since the laws are so ambiguous, however, funeral professionals err on the side of caution.

Funeral homes also must submit a burial-and-transit permit for each body so the state has a record of where that body went, and the usual options are burial, cremation, or donation to science. “There is no ‘cut off the head, de-flesh it, preserve the skull, and then cremate the rest of the body’ option,” Doughty says. “Nothing even close.”

If you’re thinking the laws sound vague enough that it’s worth a shot, law professor and human-remains law expert Tanya Marsh might convince you otherwise. As she told Doughty, “I will argue with you all day long that it isn’t legal in any state in the United States to reduce a human head to a skull.”

The laws about buying or selling human remains also vary by state, and are “vague, confusing, and enforced at random,” according to Doughty. Many privately sold bones come from India and China, and, though eBay has banned the sale of human remains, there are other ways of procuring a stranger's skull online “if you are willing to engage in some suspect internet commerce,” Doughty says.

[h/t The Atlantic]

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