College Applicant or The Most Interesting Man in the World?

There's a famous (fictional?) college application essay that's been bouncing around the Internet for years. I first heard it at Morris Knolls High School in 1995, when legendary chemistry teacher Bob Powers read it to our class before the college fair. It may have been old even then.

"I am a dynamic figure," the essay begins, "often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention."

It goes on like that for paragraphs and reminds me a lot of the Dos Equis commercials with The Most Interesting Man in the World. Can you tell whether each statement is from the viral essay or the beer ads? (I've changed the pronouns.)