Paramount Pictures / Kokomo Tribune
Paramount Pictures / Kokomo Tribune

13 Brutally Honest Movie Reviews

Paramount Pictures / Kokomo Tribune
Paramount Pictures / Kokomo Tribune

Movie reviewing is a tough job—reviewers have to sum up a movie in just a few sentences. Here are thirteen examples of brutally honest, surprisingly short movie reviews that get right to it. (We have bolded the best parts.)

1. Top Gun

Top Gun (1986, Drama) Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis. The adventures of a Navy jet pilot. Trivializes war by turning it into a music video.

(Source: Kokomo Tribune, 31 Jan. 1991, p. ENT 9. No byline.)

*

2. Cinderella (1997)

Cinderella (1997, Musical) Whitney Houston, Brandi, Whoopi Goldberg. A young woman learns the power of positive thinking.

(Source: Kokomo Tribune 2 Nov. 1997, p. D6. No byline.)

*

3. Casablanca

Casablanca Anti-government insurrectionists with drinking problems hang out in a bar and suppress their emotions. (1943) KQED. 8pm.”

(Source: the Pacific Sun, 13 Feb. 2015. By Rick Polito.)

*

4. The Abyss

The Abyss (1989) Ed Harris, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Like E.T. under water. Spectacularly silly, some awesome effects. (PG-13) (2½ hrs.) HBO, Thu. 9 A.M., 6:30 P.M. (CC)”

(Source: NYT, 29 Jan. 1995. By Howard Thomas or staff.)

*

5. Cujo

Cujo: The film version of the Stephen King thriller about a killer St. Bernard ought to be wrapped up in newspaper and thrown into the trash. It’s one of the dumbest movies ever made, and the only feeling it engenders is pity for the poor dog. R. 1 star.”

(Source: Reading Eagle, 1 Sept. 1983, p.23. By Gene Siskel and syndicated by the Chicago Tribune.)

*

6. Paint Your Wagon

Paint Your Wagon (1969). Clint Eastwood, Jean Seberg, Lee Marvin. Elaborate but rather squatty western with nice music, via Broadway. Clint sings like a moose. (3 hrs. 205 min.) TNT, Sun. 2:40 P.M.”

(Source: NYT, 25 Oct. 1992, p. TV4. By Howard Thomas or staff.)

*

7. Flashdance

Flashdance (NBC Monday at 9 p.m.) is another movie nobody seemed to like except the public. A kind of full-length erotic aerobics class on TV, it stars Jennifer Beals as a pretty 18-year-old who works as a welder in a Pittsburgh steel mill by day and dances frenetically in a neighborhood bar at night, dreaming of auditioning for the local ballet company and somehow managing to fit in a steamy romance with her impossibly rich, unattainable boss (Michael Nouri), once a working stiff just like her. Ludicrous throughout—but undeniably sexy.

(Source: LA Times, 16 Feb. 1986, p. 819). By Kevin Thomas.)

*

8. Interview With the Vampire

Interview With the Vampire (1994). Tom Cruise is a bloodsucker who drains the life from everything around him. In this movie, he plays a vampire.

(Source: the LA Times, 6 Dec. 1999, quoting the Marin Independent Journal. By Rick Polito.)

*

9. Young Guns

“½ star Young Guns – (R: Violence, brief nudity) Nominally a western, this wretched waste of a movie is really an insult to the very idea of a western. Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, Lou Diamond Phillips, Dermot Mulroney and Casey Siemaszko play juvenile delinquents hired by rancher Terence Stamp to protect his property. After their benefactor’s death, these amoral thugs ride around shooting people, and the movie glorifies their ridiculous exploits. Only Kiefer Sutherland comes close to making his part work. Directed, or so the credits claim, by Christopher Cain (That Was Then, This Is Now), from a script by John Fusco.”

(Source: The Palm Beach Post, 21 Oct. 1988, p. TGIF 14). By Michael Mills.)

*

10. Night of the Living Dead

Night of the Living Dead (1968). Judith O’Dea, Duane Jones. Revolting garbage, though a camp cult favorite. (2 hrs.) A&E, Wed. 2 P.M., Thu. 9 A.M.”

(Source: NYT, 25 Oct. 1992, p. TV4. By Howard Thomas or staff.)

*

11. Jungle 2 Jungle

Jungle 2 Jungle (PG, 111 minutes) The plot of Jungle 2 Jungle has been removed from a French film called Little Indian, Big City. The operation was a failure and the patient dies. Tim Allen stars as a broker who discovers he has a 13-year-old son, raised by his estranged wife (JoBeth Williams) in the Amazon. He brings the kid back to New York, where the ‘fish out of water’ plot wheezes along without inspiration, interest or comedy. Martin Short is wasted as Allen’s pal, although indee movie fans may be amused that he has stolen Jim Jarmusch’s hairstyle. Rating: 1 star.

(Source: Ocala Star-Banner, 14 March 1997, p. 10. By Roger Ebert, syndicated from the Chicago Sun-Times.)

*

12. Teen Wolf

Teen Wolf (1985). Michael J. Fox, James Hampton. Pretty awful. (PG) (2 hrs.) TBS, Fri./EarlySat. 12:45 A.M./ TNT, Mon. 3:30 P.M.”

(Source: NYT, 15 Feb. 1998, p. TV6. By Howard Thomas or staff.)

*

13. Teen Wolf Too

“Teen Wolf Too (1987). Jason Bateman, Kim Darby. College freshman subject to family curse. A mess. (PG) (1¾ hrs.) MAX, Thu. 6:15 P.M. (CC)”

(Source: NYT, 15 Feb. 1998, p. TV6. By Howard Thomas or staff.)

*

(Special thanks to John Siracusa, who inspired this post by paraphrasing the Top Gun review on the podcast Reconcilable Differences.)

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Hulton Archive, Getty Images
15 Funny Quips from Great American Humorists
Hulton Archive, Getty Images
Hulton Archive, Getty Images

The art of social satire is a tough one, but a great humorist's keen observations, witticisms, and turns of phrase continue to ring true even decades later. "Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations," the musical comedian Victor Borge once noted. "There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth." (In other words, it's funny 'cause it's true.) Here are 15 more quips from some of America's most astute commentators.

1. MARK TWAIN (1835-1910)

Mark Twain
Rischgitz, Getty Images

"Familiarity breeds contempt—and children."

2. DOROTHY PARKER (1893-1967)

Dorothy Parker looks at the camera. There is a man in a tuxedo and wine bottles in the background.
Evening Standard, Getty Images

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."

3. JAMES THURBER (1894-1961)

James Thurber smokes a cigarette sitting in an armchair.
Fred Palumbo, Library of Congress, Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"Last night I dreamed of a small consolation enjoyed only by the blind: Nobody knows the trouble I've not seen!"

4. NORA EPHRON (1941-2012)

Nora Ephron smiles for press at an event.
Stephen Lovekin, Getty Images

"Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be."

5. GORE VIDAL (1925-2012)

Gore Vidal
Central Press, Getty Images

"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."

6. ARTEMUS WARD (1834-1867)

A sepia-toned cabinet card of Artemus Ward
TCS 1.3788, Harvard Theatre Collection, Harvard University, Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them."

7. GERTRUDE STEIN (1874-1946)

Gertrude Stein sits at a desk with a pen in her hand.
Hulton Archive, Getty Images

"The thing that differentiates man from animals is money."

8. FRANKLIN PIERCE ADAMS (1881-1960)

Franklin Pierce Adams sits at a desk that's covered in papers.
Harris & Ewing Collection, Library of Congress, Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory."

9. ETHEL WATERS (1896-1977)

Ethel Waters leans in a doorway.
William P. Gottlieb, Library of Congress, Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"All the men in my life have been two things: an epic and an epidemic."

10. ROBERT BENCHLEY (1889-1945)

Robert Benchley sits at a desk in a scene from 'Foreign Correspondent.'
Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony."

11. AMBROSE BIERCE (1842-1914)

A seated portrait of Ambrose Bierce
Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited."

12. MAE WEST (1893-1980)

A portrait of Mae West
Hulton Archive, Getty Images

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

13. GEORGE S. KAUFMAN (1889-1961)

A seated portrait of George S. Kaufman
The Theatre Magazine Company, photograph by Vandamm, Wikimedia Commons // Public Domain

"At dramatic rehearsals, the only author that's better than an absent one is a dead one."

14. VICTOR BORGE (1909-2000)

Victor Borge plays the piano.
Keystone, Getty Images

"Santa Claus has the right idea—visit people only once a year."

15. GEORGE CARLIN (1937-2008)

George Carlin doing a stand-up set
Ken Howard, Getty Images

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

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Mad Magazine
12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine
Mad Magazine
Mad Magazine

As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down. A near-instant success for EC Comics upon its debut in 1952, the magazine has inspired generations of comedians for its pioneering satirical attitude and tasteful booger jokes. This month, DC Entertainment is relaunching an "all new" MAD, skewering pop culture on a bimonthly basis and in full color. To fill the gaps in your knowledge, take a look at these facts about the Usual Gang of Idiots.

1. NO ONE KNOWS WHO CAME UP WITH ALFRED E. NEUMAN.


Jamie, Flickr (L) // Boston Public Library, Flickr (R) // CC BY 2.0

MAD creator Harvey Kurtzman was in the offices of a Ballantine Books editor discussing reprints for the fledgling publication when he noticed a grinning, gap-toothed imbecile staring back at him from a bulletin board. The unnamed figure was ubiquitous in the early 20th century, appearing in everything from dentistry ads to depictions of diseases. A charmed Kurtzman adopted him as MAD’s mascot beginning in 1954. Neuman later become so recognizable that a letter was delivered from New Zealand to MAD’s New York offices without an address: The envelope simply had a drawing of Alfred.

2. THEY HAD TO APOLOGIZE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.

MAD was conceived during a particularly sensitive time for the comics industry, with parents and watchdog groups concerned over content. (It didn't switch to a magazine format until issue #24.) Kurtzman usually knew where the line was, but when he was laid up with acute hepatitis in 1952, publisher William Gaines and others had to step in for him. Gaines thought it would be funny to offer a fictional biography of himself that detailed his father’s Communist leanings, his past as a dope dealer “near nursery schools,” and bouts of pyromania. When wholesalers were shocked at the content and threatened to boycott all of his titles, Gaines was forced to write a letter of apology.

3. THEY PREDICTED JOHN F. KENNEDY'S ELECTION IN 1960.

But it was a cheat. In the run-up to the 1960 Presidential election, MAD printed a cover that featured Neuman congratulating Kennedy on his victory with a caption that read, “We were with you all the way, Jack!” But the issue was shipped long before votes had been tabulated. The secret? It was a dual cover. Flip it over and Neuman is celebrating Richard Nixon’s appointment to office. Stores were told to display the “right” side of the magazine depending on the outcome.

4. ALFRED BRIEFLY HAD A GIRLFRIEND.


MAD Magazine

A character named Moxie Cowznofski was introduced in the late 1950s as a female companion for Alfred. She made only a handful of cover appearances, possibly due to the fact she looked alarmingly like her significant other.

5. THEY DIDN'T RUN ANY (REAL) ADS FOR 44 YEARS.

From the beginning, Gaines felt that printing actual advertisements next to the products they were lampooning would not only dilute their edge but seem more than a little hypocritical. After some back-and-forth, MAD cut ads starting in 1957. The decision was a costly one—most print publications survive on such revenue—but led to the magazine’s keeping a sharp knife against the throat of seductive advertising, including cigarettes. Faced with dwindling circulation in 2001, MAD finally relented and began taking ads to help pay for a switch to color printing.

6. "SPY VS. SPY" WAS CREATED BY A SUSPECTED SPY.

Cuban cartoonist Antonio Prohias was disenchanted with the regime under Fidel Castro when he began working on what would become “Spy vs. Spy.” Because Prohias’s other newspaper illustrations were critical of Castro, the Cuban government suspected him of working for the CIA. He wasn’t, but the perception had him worried harm might come to his co-workers. To get out of the situation, Prohias came to America in 1960. With his daughter helping translate, he stopped by MAD’s New York offices and submitted his work; his sneaky, triangle-headed spies became regulars.

7. THERE WAS ONE FOLD-IN THEY WOULDN'T RUN.

Artist Al Jaffee, now 94, has been with MAD almost from the beginning. He created the famous Fold-In—the back cover that reveals a new picture when doubled over—in 1964 after seeing the fold-outs in magazines like National Geographic, Playboy, and Life. Jaffee has rarely missed an issue since—but editors backtracked on one of Jaffee’s works that referenced a mass shooting in 2013. Citing poor taste, they destroyed over 600,000 copies.

8. THEIR MOVIE WAS A DISASTER.

With the exception of Fox’s successful sketch series, 1994’s MAD TV, attempts to translate the MAD brand into other media have been underwhelming: A 1974 animated special didn’t even make it on air. But a 1980 film venture, a military school spoof directed by Robert Downey, Sr. titled Mad Presents Up the Academy, was so awful William Gaines demanded to have their name taken off of it. (Renamed Up the Academy, the DVD release of the movie still features someone sporting an Alfred E. Neuman mask; MAD parodied it in a spoof titled “Throw Up the Academy.”)

9. THE APRIL 1974 COVER HAD PEOPLE FLIPPING.


MAD Magazine

MAD has never made a habit of good taste, but a depiction of a raised middle finger for one issue in the mid-’70s caused a huge stir. Many stores wouldn’t stock it for fear of offending customers, and the company ended up accepting an irregular number of returns. Gaines took to his typewriter to write a letter of apology. Again. The relaunched #1, out in April 2018, pays homage to this cover, though it's slightly more tasteful: Neuman is picking his nose with his middle finger.

10. THEY INVENTED A SPORT.

MAD writer Tom Koch was amused by the convoluted rules of sports and attempted to one-up them in 43-Man Squamish, a game he invented for the April 1965 issue. Koch and artist George Woodbridge (“MAD’s Athletic Council”) prepared a guide that was utterly incomprehensible—the field was to have five sides, positions included Deep Brooders and Dummies, “interfering with the Wicket Men” constituted a penalty—but it amused high school and college readers enough to try and mount their own games. (Short on players? Try 2-Man Squamish: “The rules are identical,” Koch wrote, “except the object of the game is to lose.”) For the less physically inclined, MAD also issued a board game in which the goal is to lose all of your money.

11. WEIRD AL WAS A GUEST EDITOR.

In what must be some kind of fulfilled prophecy, lyrical satirist “Weird” Al Yankovic was named as a guest editor—their first—for the magazine’s May 2015 issue. Yankovic told Entertainment Weekly that MAD had put him on “the dark, twisted path to becoming who I am today … I needed to pollute my mind with that kind of stuff.” In addition to his collaborations with the staff, Yankovic enlisted Patton Oswalt, Seth Green, and Chris Hardwick to contribute.

12. FRED ASTAIRE ONCE DANCED AS ALFRED E. NEUMAN.

In a scene so surreal even MAD’s irreverent editors would have had trouble dreaming it up, Fred Astaire decided to sport an Alfred E. Neuman mask for a dance number in his 1959 television special, Another Evening with Fred Astaire. No one seems to recall why exactly Astaire would do this—he may have just wanted to include a popular cultural reference—but it was no off-the-cuff decision. Astaire hired movie make-up veteran John Chambers (Planet of the Apes) to craft a credible mask of Neuman. The result is … well, kind of disturbing. But it’s a fitting addition to a long tradition of people going completely MAD.

Additional Sources:
Harvey Kurtzman: The Man Who Created Mad and Revolutionized Humor in America.

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