The July 6th report comes in. The photo—captioned “Multiple homicide”—is bleak. A lonely stoop, an open container, and the remains of what was once one of the few perfect things we have in this world. This crime report also comes with a hashtag: #pizzacrimes.

Karl Spaeth is the one who filed the report and frankly, is the hero we’ve been looking for. Through the Twitter account @PizzaCrimes, the comedian by trade chronicles the horrors of heinous acts against pizza. From trashed pies to perfect slices abandoned on street corners to far flung crusts, Spaeth is our eyes and ears on the ground in a world gone mad with pizza violence.

Spaeth hails from Cincinnati and told The Daily Dot (in an interview that’s worth reading in its entirety) that he thinks the problem of #pizzacrimes has improved since he started documenting the “epidemic.” He said the straw that broke the camel’s back was a discarded full slice, cheese up.

“I don’t know if we’re necessarily turning our backs on it, but I do think that it’s marginalized because it is a fast food-style food,” he said. “You know, if you saw a filet mignon on the ground people would be in a uproar about it, but because it’s a lower-class food I think people don’t care. People like me care, but I’m a social crusader.”

Amen.

To view the crime log in real time, visit @PizzaCrimes Twitter account here.