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Wikimedia Commons

Elvis Presley's Bizarre Album of Stage Banter

Wikimedia Commons
Wikimedia Commons

In 1974, Elvis Presley released Having Fun With Elvis on Stage, an album consisting of over thirty minutes of haphazardly compiled banter from his concerts. It includes no songs and it is completely devoid of context. Save for maybe one brief section, there are no insights into Presley's life. What's included is so incoherent, you don't really get an idea of his stage presence, despite the fact that all the audio comes from his shows.

The album was the brainchild of Elvis's manager, Colonel Tom Parker. Parker created a company called Boxcar to manage Presley's commercial rights (while securing the majority of profits for himself), with an eye to eventually turn it into a full-blown record company. Because of Elvis's deal with RCA, Boxcar could not release a normal Elvis record with music. Instead, Parker had to go around this by selling an album that was just his client speaking. Having Fun With Elvis on Stage was the only LP Boxcar ever put out, and it's roundly considered to be one of the worst albums of all time.

Surely there must be some redeeming qualities to this artifact. It has to at least be fun—it's right there in the title! Colonel Parker wouldn't lie to consumers. Maybe all the album's critics were squares who weren't hep to this avant-garde collage of found and pop art. I listened to Having Fun With Elvis on Stage and broke it into 34 different tracks based on where Colonel Tom seems to have edited in a new clip from a new concert (it's presented as two long tracks with no breaks). By doing this, I hope to determine just how much fun you can have with Elvis, on stage.

1. 0:00-1:18
The album starts off in medias res, with Elvis humming and saying, "Here we go again, man." He continues, “Before the evening is over, I will have made a complete and total fool of myself. And I hope you get a kick out of watching it.” He then growls and says "Whaa whaa whaa" before singing, "Well...well, well well" as if he's about to go into a song. There is no song.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: It's early, so we're having a little bit of fun with Elvis. He seems relaxed, which is nice.

2. 1:19-2:27
The sound quality of the second section drops off considerably, and it seems as if we are magically transported to the end of one of Elvis's concerts. “They don’t like for us to stay on too long," he says, and the audience boos. "Wait a minute! They don't like for us to stay on for more than 55 minutes to an hour...But we don't care what they like!" The crowd goes absolutely bonkers. This is legitimately fun.

With the audience worked into a lather, Elvis goes, "I'd like to sing a little 'Love Me Tender' for you." Instead of singing, he starts squeaking directly into the microphone. I think the joke was supposed to be, "I'd like to sing a little 'Love Me Tender' for you quickly," with the squeaking mimicking a sped-up audio recording, but he forgot to say "quickly." The crowd laughs politely.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: He's a little all over the place here, but we're having fun.

3. 2:28-3:08
Elvis slowly and quietly sings, "You ain't nothing but an...aardvark." He then lists a few more animals, some of which sound made up.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Not too much here, to be honest.

4. 3:09-7:40
Elvis seems to be genuinely shocked by microphone feedback and asks, “What was that?” He then starts negotiating with a woman in the audience about flowers. “What is that honey? An orchid? You want the blue one?” He gives another woman a scarf for her birthday. “Here’s the towel," he says, "Here’s the scarf, here’s the kiss." Crowd goes wild.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Sounds like we're having some fun, yeah.

5. 7:41-8:00
Not much goes on here. The audience is screaming some stuff and Elvis meekly goes, "Mmkay."

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: None.

6. 8:01-11:55
This is a great part of the album. "I want to tell you about how I started," Elvis says, before diving into the story of how he was driving a truck and studying to be an electrician when he went into a record store to cut an album. “They arranged to put me on television,” he says, listing Jackie Gleason, Ed Sullivan, and Steve Allen. He tells a funny story about having to sing to a dog on the Steve Allen Show and how they refused to show him beneath his waist (Elvis, not the dog). Here's a video of that performance.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Not only do we have fun, but we also learn something.

7. 11:56-12:19
"I’d like to do a medley of some of my biggest records for you." There is no medley.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: There is no fun to be had here.

8. 12:20-14:09
"I want to sing a lot of songs and walk around and sweat," he says, which makes the audience lose their minds. He seems to be in Kansas City, because he says he's from "Memphis, Missouri," and then repeats the joke, but tells them it's "Memphis, Kansas."

How much fun do have with Elvis?: Some fun. If you are from either Missouri or Kansas it's probably more fun, though.

9. 14:10-14:36
Elvis says, "I'd like you to listen to our bass singer. He goes down to an E, below low flat, whatever that is. Low Flat, I ain't never heard of that. You ever heard of that, Ronnie?" We don't hear his bass singer.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: This is getting un-fun.

10. 14:37-15:43
“I’m the NBC peacock," he says. He then starts crooning “well well well wells” again. This will not be the last we hear of his "well well wells." There's some crazy drumming and crowd laughter, and Elvis says, “You shouldn’t laugh at us handicapped folk." Sounds like there's some physical comedy going on that's lost on the listeners at home.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Eh.

11. 15:44-17:12
In this section, Elvis talks a lot about drinking water and the importance of staying hydrated. He even warns the audience that he may be taking frequent breaks to drink his glass of water.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Not "fun," per se, but his advice about hydration is important.

12. 17:13-17:46
This section of the album features some genuinely terrifying screaming from the audience. “It’s getting a little wild in here, boy,” Elvis says, before laughing maniacally. He then says he's about introduce the members of the crew, but Colonel Parker, "on the piano," is the only person to get mentioned before it cuts away.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: This part is a little frightening.

13. 17:47-18:25
He hums and sings, “well…” some more before announcing, "That’s all folks!" Side A ends here.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Zero.

14. 18:26-20:34
Side B starts much like Side A ends, with Elvis singing, “Well well well well.” He then makes a joke about his "fruit of the loom” being too tight, which earns wild laughter. There's more drumming, like from before, which means he must be doing some physical comedy again. He sings a few more “well well wells” before, confusingly, announcing “That’s it folks" and ending a concert at the very beginning of Side B.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: More than we have had in a while, but the "well well wells" are getting tiresome.

15. 20:35-21:29
A whole bunch more "well well wells." A woman says something from the crowd, to which Elvis replies, “After the show, honey...let me get another ‘well’ out.” He's become very self-aware of all his repeated use of the word "well."

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Side B is not too fun so far.

16. 21:30-22:06
“I’d like to walk around for a second, get my breath back," Elvis says. He then talks with four women, raising his voice to imitate them.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Some? Honestly, this is all starting to wear on me.

17. 22:07-22:42
Elvis asks the audience to listen to his bass singer again, and again we don't hear him.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: He imitates a B-52 bomber here, which is fun-ish.

18. 22:43-23:24
Here, Elvis struggles with his belt and mentions that it's Father’s Day before introducing the audience to his father. “He’s more of a ham than I am.”

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: This was sweet, which will have to count for fun.

19. 23:25-23:40
He talks about how great the audience is.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: A little pandering, but we're starting to have some fun again.

20. 23:41-24:25
He's in Louisiana and mentions that he's got a tiger next to him (must be buttering up the LSU fans in attendance). A woman screams that she loves him, and Elvis goes, "Oh I love you honey but I gotta sing this song.” Once again, there is no song.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: A little.

21. 24:25-26:47
"People've thought for a long time that’s something I do to be sexy,” he says. We don't know what he's doing because we can't see it.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Who knows? We can't see it.

22. 26:48-28:49
Here he goes with the "wells" again. “Honey, what are you screaming for? I’ve just sung 'well'...If that’s all I gotta do, I’ve got it made." Great, no sign of the wells stopping any time soon.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Well...

23. 28:50-30:32
“We haven’t played this place before, but you’re really a fantastic audience...“You wanna hear ‘Don’t Be Cruel'? Alright.” We don't hear "Don't Be Cruel."

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: Don't be cruel.

24. 30:33-31:16
“This next song is a song I recorded when I first started singing, about two years ago [pause for laughter]. My scarves’ got fuzz on it.”

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: No fun.

25. 31:17-32:34
Elvis gets so into his "wells" that he loses track. "Where was I?” he asks, and someone in the band goes, “WELL WELL WELL WELL.” “Appreciate it," Elvis replies, "I was wellin’.” Yes you were.

How much fun do we have with Elvis?: We haven't had fun in a while. For the rest of the album, I will just pick out choice quotes from each section.

26. 32:35-32:50
"I'd like to tell you that the last time we were here, we had a fantastic time, but this time it's much better, really."

27. 32:51-33:00
"This next song is one of my first records." [No song]

28. 33:01-34:01
“No rose, no scarf, baby.”

29. 34:02-34:37
“Hello Memphis. It’s a pleasure to be home here." [Continues to paraphrase Thomas Wolfe]

30. 34:38-35:08
"Thanks for the flowers and the little bear."

31. 35:09-35:30
“That won’t play." [Regarding a gold record someone has handed him]

32. 35:31-36:28
“It’s been a pleasure laughing with you”

33. 36:29-36:50
"You know what I can't do? Get my belt tightened."

34. 36:51-37:38
"Well..."

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Bleat Along to Classic Holiday Tunes With This Goat Christmas Album
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Feeling a little Grinchy this month? The Sweden branch of ActionAid, an international charity dedicated to fighting global poverty, wants to goat—errr ... goad—you into the Christmas spirit with their animal-focused holiday album: All I Want for Christmas is a Goat.

Fittingly, it features the shriek-filled vocal stylings of a group of festive farm animals bleating out classics like “Jingle Bells,” “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and “O Come All Ye Faithful.” The recording may sound like a silly novelty release, but there's a serious cause behind it: It’s intended to remind listeners how the animals benefit impoverished communities. Goats can live in arid nations that are too dry for farming, and they provide their owners with milk and wool. In fact, the only thing they can't seem to do is, well, sing. 

You can purchase All I Want for Christmas is a Goat on iTunes and Spotify, or listen to a few songs from its eight-track selection below.

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What Are the 12 Days of Christmas?
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Everyone knows to expect a partridge in a pear tree from your true love on the first day of Christmas ... But when is the first day of Christmas?

You'd think that the 12 days of Christmas would lead up to the big day—that's how countdowns work, as any year-end list would illustrate—but in Western Christianity, "Christmas" actually begins on December 25th and ends on January 5th. According to liturgy, the 12 days signify the time in between the birth of Christ and the night before Epiphany, which is the day the Magi visited bearing gifts. This is also called "Twelfth Night." (Epiphany is marked in most Western Christian traditions as happening on January 6th, and in some countries, the 12 days begin on December 26th.)

As for the ubiquitous song, it is said to be French in origin and was first printed in England in 1780. Rumors spread that it was a coded guide for Catholics who had to study their faith in secret in 16th-century England when Catholicism was against the law. According to the Christian Resource Institute, the legend is that "The 'true love' mentioned in the song is not an earthly suitor, but refers to God Himself. The 'me' who receives the presents refers to every baptized person who is part of the Christian Faith. Each of the 'days' represents some aspect of the Christian Faith that was important for children to learn."

In debunking that story, Snopes excerpted a 1998 email that lists what each object in the song supposedly symbolizes:

2 Turtle Doves = the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

There is pretty much no historical evidence pointing to the song's secret history, although the arguments for the legend are compelling. In all likelihood, the song's "code" was invented retroactively.

Hidden meaning or not, one thing is definitely certain: You have "The Twelve Days of Christmas" stuck in your head right now.

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