18 Apple Varieties With Badass Names

It’s apple season again, and the markets are filling up with varieties bearing lovely names, from honeycrisp to autumn glory, with plenty of variations on gold, sweet, delicious, sun, and beauty in between. But not all apples are into being judged by some fake-grin, beauty-queen standard. Some apples don’t need to keep waving you down with a name that is really just a desperate cry of “look how yummy I am! Don’t I look pretty?” Here are 18 varieties that, frankly, don’t care what you think. They know their worth and don’t need to act all cute. They aren’t bad apples, but they are badass.

1. STARK’S EARLIEST

Gets more done before the end of September than you do all year.

2. SPARTAN

Stands there in the frost without a word of complaint.

3. BLOODY PLOUGHMAN

They say in 19th century Scotland a gamekeeper shot down a ploughman who was stealing some apples. Those apples, thrown on a trash heap, sprouted a seedling, and that's how the bloody ploughman lived on.

4. COEUR DE BOEUF

That’s right, “heart of beef.” And if that doesn’t sound delicious to you, your loss.

5. DOG’S SNOUT

Yeah, that’s what it looks like. You got a problem with that?

6. RAZOR RUSSET

Comes from Kentucky and ain’t amused by you.

7. TINA CRAB APPLE

Will also cut you.

8. WINTERSTEIN

Cold and grim as winter, hard and unfeeling as stone.

9. NONNETIT BASTARD

Nonnetit bastard … NONNETIT BASTARD.

10. NEW ROCK PIPPIN

Not your father’s rock.

11. PURITAN

No time for your apple-bobbing frivolities.

12. TREMLETT’S BITTER

Has seen too much of this world to be sweet.

13. LEATHER COAT

Bite it.

14. WYKEN PIPPIN

For wycked wyccan womyn.

15. GLOCKENAPFEL

Thinks you’re a dummkopf.

16. RUSTY COAT

Tougher than tetanus.

17. AMERICAN MOTHER

You lay a hand on her seedlings, she will crush you like a cider press.

18. UTTWILER SPÄTLAUBER

Excellent storability. Heavy metal umlaut.