Britain Declares War on Germany

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The First World War was an unprecedented catastrophe that shaped our modern world. Erik Sass is covering the events of the war exactly 100 years after they happened. This is the 137th installment in the series.

August 4, 1914: Britain Declares War on Germany

After the fateful decision by Russia’s Tsar Nicholas II to order general mobilization on July 30, the peace of Europe unraveled with stunning speed. On the afternoon of July 31, Germany declared “imminent danger of war” and delivered an ultimatum to Russia to halt mobilization within twelve hours. When no response was received by the afternoon of August 1, Germany and France both mobilized within minutes of each other, and Germany declared war on Russia at 7pm. That night German troops began occupying tiny, neutral Luxembourg as a preamble to the invasion on Belgium and northern France.

Now the focus of the drama shifted to London, where the French implored their reluctant British allies to fulfill their informal commitment to help defend France, and the Germans frantically tried to persuade them not to by every means at their disposal—including outright lies.

Crowds Cheer War

To this day, one of the defining motifs of World War I is the huge crowds that gathered to cheer the outbreak of the war. These (supposedly) spontaneous patriotic demonstrations were cited as proof that ordinary Europeans were eager for war, and while government propagandists may have later exaggerated the size and enthusiasm of these crowds, there’s no question that many people seemed to welcome the war as a long-awaited release after years of gradually mounting tension.

During the first week of August, hundreds of thousands of Germans—perhaps millions—filled public squares in cities and towns to hear officials read the proclamation of war. On August 1, 50,000 gathered in front of the Imperial Palace to hear Kaiser Wilhelm II’s speech:

This is a dark day and a sombre hour for Germany. Envious people on every side have forced us to a just defense. The sword is placed in our hands by force. I hope that, if at the last moment my efforts to bring about an understanding between ourselves and our adversaries and to maintain the peace do not succeed, we may, by the help of God, so use our swords that when all is ended we can replace them in their scabbards with honor. A war will ask from us enormous sacrifices of men and of money, but we shall show our enemies what it means to provoke Germany. And now I recommend you all to God. Go to church, kneel before Him and pray that He may sustain our brave army.

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The following day in Munich, a young Adolf Hitler joined thousands of other people in the Bavarian capital’s Odeonsplatz to hear war proclaimed from the balcony of the Feldherrnhalle, a memorial to war dead; the moment was captured by a photographer, Heinrich Hoffman, who later located Hitler in the photo (below; some historians allege Hitler’s appearance in the photo was faked). Hitler recalled his reaction to the news of war: “Even today I am not ashamed to say that, overpowered by stormy enthusiasm, I fell down on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart for granting me the good fortune of being permitted to live at this time.” According to his own account, he volunteered for the Bavarian Army the next day.

U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum

That same afternoon of August 2, a quarter of a million Russians filled Palace Square in St. Petersburg (below) to hear the Tsar’s official proclamation of war against Germany and solemn vow that he would “never make peace so long as one of the enemy is on the soil of the fatherland,” repeating a phrase first used by Tsar Alexander I during the war against Napoleon. Russian scouting expeditions were already skirmishing with German patrols in East Prussia.

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The flip side of patriotic fervor was nationalist hatred, as angry mobs attacked “foreigners” (not always from an enemy nation), vandalizing, looting and burning their homes and businesses. Charles Inman Barnard, the Paris correspondent of The New York Tribune, described anti-German riots on the evening of August 2: “A German shoemaker who attempted to charge exaggerated prices for boots had his windows smashed and his stock looted by an infuriated crowd. The news that the German shops were being attacked soon spread, and youths gathered in bands, going from one shop to the other and wrecking them in the course of a few moments.” The following day Barnard witnessed the looting of the Maggi milk shops, which were in fact Swiss-owned, and Neil Hopkins, another American living in Paris, recalled: “The news of the wrecking of German and Austrian shops spread like wild-fire over Paris and it was amusing to see the following day, scores of shops closed which did not bear very pure French names, labeled ‘Maison Francais’ to protect them from mob violence.”

The war also gave rise to a mania for linguistic “purity,” which meant purging enemy words from everyday language. Piete Kuhr, a 12-year-old German girl living in East Prussia, recorded in her diary entry for August 3, 1914: “At school the teachers say it is our patriotic duty to stop using foreign words. I didn’t know what that meant at first, but now I see it – you must no longer say ‘Adieu’ because that is French. I must now call Mama ‘Mutter.’”

But the “spirit of August 1914” was hardly universal, whatever some post-war memoirists might claim. Working class Europeans, surmising that they would bear the brunt of the fighting, were much less enthusiastic about the war than their middle class counterparts. In fact around 750,000 Germans had participated in anti-war demonstrations across the country in the week before war was declared. On the other side, on August 2 the British Labour Party organized anti-war protests in London’s Trafalgar Square, and the French socialist leader Jean Jaurès was assassinated on July 31 for giving voice to anti-war views shared by many of his constituents.

However pacifist sentiments were soon pushed aside by the irresistible march of events, and in every belligerent nation the socialists voted to support the war (usually to their lasting regret).

French Press British to Act

Following their refusal to remain neutral in a war between Germany and Russia, French leaders knew it was only a matter of time before Germany declared war on France too. Now it was all-important to get Britain to take their side, as promised (informally) in military staff talks and slightly less ambiguous Anglo-French Naval Convention. But many members of the British cabinet were unaware of these secret agreements and understandably reluctant to embroil Britain in a cataclysmic continental war.

On hearing word of the German invasion of neutral Luxembourg, whose neutrality was agreed in the Treaty of London of 1867, the French ambassador to London, Paul Cambon, asked Foreign Secretary Edward Grey whether Britain would fight. However Grey pointed out that, unlike the 1838 treaty guaranteeing Belgian neutrality, the 1867 treaty didn’t technically oblige Britain to take military action to protect to Luxembourg’s neutrality, if the other Great Powers weren’t also intervening. Cambon could barely contain his anger at this slippery reasoning, according to H. Wickham Steed, the foreign editor of The Times, who recalled, “he pointed to a copy of the Luxemburg Treaty… and exclaimed bitterly: ‘There is the signature of England… I do not know whether this evening the word “honor” will not have to be struck out of the British vocabulary.’”

But Grey was merely representing the views of the British cabinet; personally, he had staked everything on British intervention, threatening to resign if the cabinet insisted on neutrality and working with First Lord of the Admiralty Winston Churchill to drum up support from the opposition Unionists. Unionist support gave Grey and Prime Minister Asquith crucial political leverage, as they might be able to form a new coalition government without the anti-interventionists.

On August 2, Asquith went into the 11am cabinet meeting with a letter pledging Unionist support, and now the tide began to turn: although a handful of ministers resigned in protest, the rest of the cabinet agreed to at least protect the French coastline from German naval attacks, as promised in the naval convention of 1912. However, the deciding factor would be Germany’s violation of Belgian neutrality.

Germany’s Ultimatum to Belgium

On August 2, as German troops occupied Luxembourg, the German ambassador to Belgium, Below-Saleske, presented a note to the Belgian Foreign Minister, Davignon, containing a flagrant, hypocritical lie followed by an insulting, dishonorable request:            

Reliable information has been received by the German Government… [which]… leaves no doubt as to the intention of France to march through Belgian territory against Germany. It is essential for the self-defense of Germany that she should anticipate any such hostile attack.  The German Government would, however, feel the deepest regret if Belgium regarded as an act of hostility against herself the fact that the measures of Germany’s opponents force Germany, for her own protection, to enter Belgian territory… Germany has in view no act of hostility against Belgium. In the event of Belgium being prepared in the coming war to maintain an attitude of friendly neutrality towards Germany, the German Government bind themselves, at the conclusion of peace, to guarantee the possessions and independence of the Belgian Kingdom in full.

In other words, the Germans fabricated a fictitious French invasion (which they also peddled to the British, without success) in order to justify their own breach of Belgian neutrality—then asked the Belgians to break their longstanding promise to the other Great Powers and forfeit their neutrality by giving German forces free passage to attack France. If Belgium didn’t knuckle under, they warned of dire consequences, including a not-so-veiled threat against Belgian independence (echoing chief of the general staff Moltke’s menacing warning to King Albert in November 1913):

Should Belgium oppose the German troops, and in particular should she throw difficulties in the way of their march by a resistance of the fortresses on the Meuse, or by destroying railways, roads, tunnels, or other similar works, Germany will, to her regret, be compelled to consider Belgium as an enemy. In this event, Germany can undertake no obligations towards Belgium, but the eventual adjustment of the relations between the two States must be left to the decision of arms.

At first glance Belgium had every reason to submit to the German demand. Given the size of the Belgian Army—which mustered 117,000 field troops in 1914, versus a German invasion force of 750,000 – there was no hope of mounting a successful long-term resistance. Early capitulation would also have spared the lives and property of thousands of civilians, not to mention the country’s cultural heritage. But King Albert felt honor-bound to fulfill Belgium’s historical promise of neutrality—and, as a realist, was not just a little skeptical about German promises to restore Belgian independence.

In any event there was no debate in the Belgian cabinet about how to respond, according to the King’s military adjutant, Lieutenant-General Émile Galet, who recounted: “Opinion was unanimous. The answer must be no.” Working late into the night, the Belgian ministers drew up the official reply to the German ultimatum:

This note has made a deep and painful impression upon the Belgian Government… Belgium has always been faithful to her international obligations, she has carried out her duties in a spirit of loyal impartiality, and she has left nothing undone to maintain and enforce respect for her neutrality. The attack upon her independence with which the German Government threaten her constitutes a flagrant violation of international law. No strategic interest justifies such a violation of law. The Belgian Government, if they were to accept the proposals submitted to them, would sacrifice the honor of the nation and betray their duty towards Europe.

Putting his hopes in a speedy rescue by French and British forces, Albert gave the order to prepare the defenses at Liège, the fortress complex guarding Belgium’s border with Germany, and left to assume personal command of the Belgian Army – the only head of state to do so during the war—in the face of overwhelming odds.

Britain’s Ultimatum to Germany

The German ultimatum to Belgium galvanized British public opinion and swung the cabinet decisively towards the war party; needless to say, no one was convinced by German claims that France had violated Belgian neutrality first. On the morning of August 3, Prime Minister Herbert Asquith met with two leaders of the opposition Unionists, Bonar Law and Lord Lansdowne, who agreed that the violation of Belgian neutrality would force Britain to go to war. At the cabinet meeting that followed, several ministers withdrew their resignations of the previous day, indicating a decisive shift in the political landscape.

At 3pm in the afternoon the House of Commons assembled to hear a dramatic speech by Grey, who appeared pale and exhausted after several days of frantic meetings and negotiations. Grey told the members of Parliament:

It now appears from the news I have received to-day—which has come quite recently, and I am not yet quite sure how far it has reached me in an accurate form – that an ultimatum has been given to Belgium by Germany, the object of which was to offer Belgium friendly relations with Germany on condition that she would facilitate the passage of German troops through Belgium… If Belgium is compelled to submit to allow her neutrality to be violated, of course the situation is clear… The smaller States in that region of Europe ask but one thing. Their one desire is that they should be left alone and independent… if we were to say that all those things matter nothing, were as nothing, and to say we would stand aside, we should, I believe, sacrifice our respect and good name and reputation before the world, and should not escape the most serious and grave economic consequences.

Another chorus of cheers signaled broad agreement across party lines, with most Liberals, Conservatives, and Labour members now supporting British intervention (a pacifist wing of the Labour Party, led by Ramsay MacDonald, still objected). Although there was no formal vote on war, this voice poll cleared the way for Grey’s next step: an ultimatum to Germany, demanding that she stop the invasion of Belgium immediately. That night, as crowds filled the streets around Buckingham Palace and the foreign office at Whitehall, Grey gazed out his window at a worker lighting the street lamps and famously said: “The lamps are going out all over Europe. We shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.” 

At 8am on the morning of August 4, 1914, German troops crossed the Belgian frontier at Gemmenich, and that evening the British ambassador to Berlin, Goschen, delivered the ultimatum to Foreign Secretary Gottlieb von Jagow, informing him that the German government had until midnight to make a satisfactory response. Goschen next asked to meet with Chancellor Bethmann-Hollweg, who was about to utter one of the most famous (and infamous) phrases associated with the Great War:

I found the Chancellor very agitated. His Excellency at once began a harangue that lasted about twenty minutes. He said that the step taken by His Majesty’s Government was terrible to a degree, just for the word “neutrality,” a word which in war-time has so often been disregarded – just for a scrap of paper, Great Britain was going to make war on a kindred nation which desired nothing better to be friends with her.

This disdain for a “scrap of paper” would be cited as proof of the German government’s disregard for all international norms, making it in modern terms a “rogue state,” beyond the pale of civilization. Bethmann-Hollweg didn’t help the German cause with his own frank admission in a speech to the Reichstag on August 4 that the invasion of Belgium was “a breach of international law,” which was however unavoidable: “The wrong—I speak openly—the wrong we thereby commit we will try to make good as soon as our military aims have been attained.”

At midnight on August 4, no German response had been received in London, and Britain was at war with Germany (top, crowds gather outside Buckingham Palace to cheer the king and queen). The British declaration of war surprised and infuriated the Germans, who expected conflict with France and Russia, their historic enemies, but not their “racial cousins” across the North Sea. In what was becoming a common scene across Europe, on August 4 an angry mob attacked the British embassy in Berlin, witnessed by Frederic William Wile, an American newspaper correspondent:

The Embassy was besieged by a shouting throng… I saw things hurtling towards the windows. From the crash of glass that ensued, I knew they were hitting their mark. The fusillade increased in violence. When there would be a particularly loud crash, it would be followed by a fiendish roar of glee. Many women were among the demonstrators. A mounted policeman or two could be seen making no very vigorous effort to interfere with the riot.

Later that night, Wile was mistaken for a British “spy” and roughed up by a mob before the police arrested him – for his own safety, they explained, although they also strip-searched him. Americans in Europe were often mistaken for British citizens during these days, which could be dangerous in more ways than one: an elated French crowd carried Nevil Monroe Hopkins around on their shoulders “with a free carelessness, that nearly frightened me to death…”

A World Turned Upside Down

Across Europe, and indeed the world, massive changes were already sweeping government and society. In belligerent and neutral countries alike, emergency decrees or legislation suspended or limited bank withdrawals and conversion of paper currency to  gold in order to avert financial panic, including Denmark on August 2, the Netherlands on August 3, Germany and Austria-Hungary on August 4, and Britain on August 6. Across the Atlantic the U.S. Congress voted to increase the emergency funds available to banks to $1.1 billion—a mind-boggling sum—while the New York Stock Exchange remained closed.

Elsewhere in the New World, Canada, a loyal Dominion of the British Empire, prepared to contribute to the British war effort. The Canadian Royal Naval Reserve and militia were called up, military authorities took control of Montreal and Quebec, both key transportation hubs for troops embarking for Britain, and young men flocked to recruiting offices. One volunteer, Reginald Grant, described the scene: “It was as if a baseball championship series were on; the crowd good-naturedly swayed and jammed as each man struggled to get to the door and signed up before the quota was full… In two hours I was in khaki and in another hour I had bade the folks farewell…”

In Asia, Japan prepared to join the war in support of her British ally—but the real reason was closer to home, as the Japanese eyed German possessions in the Far East including Jiazhou Bay (called Kiaochow Bay by the Germans) in China and island possessions scattered across the Pacific. Meanwhile the German Far East Fleet under Admiral von Spee sailed to raid Allied shipping in the Pacific, while in the western Mediterranean Admiral Souchon, commanding the German battleships Goeben and Breslau, prepared to make a daring dash past British and French fleets for Constantinople. In Africa, the cruiser Konigsberg left Dar es Salaam, the capital of the German colony of Tanganyika (today Tanzania) to raid Allied shipping in the Indian Ocean.

ITV.com

Back in Europe, on August 4, German forces crossed the French border at Mars-La-Tour, and the following day laid siege to Liege, Belgium. One of the bloodiest phases of the Great War, the Battle of the Frontiers, was about to begin.

See the previous installment or all entries.

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35 Movies Roger Ebert Really Hated
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When Roger Ebert hated a film, he didn't mince words. On what would have been the Pulitzer Prize-winning writer's 76th birthday, here are some movies he absolutely loathed (including a couple of surprises) and his dry assessments of their value.

1. ARMAGEDDON (1998) // 1 STAR

“The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out. ... Armageddon reportedly used the services of nine writers. Why did it need any? The dialogue is either shouted one-liners or romantic drivel. ‘It’s gonna blow!’ is used so many times, I wonder if every single writer used it once, and then sat back from his word processor with a contented smile on his face, another day’s work done.”

2. THE BROWN BUNNY (2003) // 0 STARS

"I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny."

When the movie’s director responded by mocking Ebert’s weight, Ebert said, “It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of The Brown Bunny."

3. JASON X (2001) // HALF STAR

"'This sucks on so many levels.' Dialogue from Jason X; rare for a movie to so frankly describe itself. Jason X sucks on the levels of storytelling, character development, suspense, special effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and aptness of thought."

4. MAD DOG TIME (1996) // 0 STARS

"Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching Mad Dog Time is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line  ... Mad Dog Time should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor."

5. THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995) // 1.5 STARS

"Once again, my comprehension began to slip, and finally I wrote down: 'To the degree that I do understand, I don't care.' It was, however, somewhat reassuring at the end of the movie to discover that I had, after all, understood everything I was intended to understand. It was just that there was less to understand than the movie at first suggests."

6. DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO (2005) // ZERO STARS

"[The title character] makes a living prostituting himself. How much he charges I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie. Deuce Bigalow is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes ... Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks."

7. MR. MAGOO (1997) // HALF STAR

“Magoo drives a red Studebaker convertible in Mr. Magoo, a fact I report because I love Studebakers and his was the only thing I liked in the film. Mr. Magoo is transcendently bad. It soars above ordinary badness as the eagle outreaches the fly.”

8. SPICE WORLD (1997) // HALF STAR

"Spice World is obviously intended as a ripoff of A Hard Day's Night which gave The Beatles to the movies ... the huge difference, of course, is that the Beatles were talented—while, let's face it, the Spice Girls could be duplicated by any five women under the age of 30 standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts."

9. GOOD LUCK CHUCK (2007) // 1 STAR

"There is a word for this movie, and that word is: Ick."

10. FREDDY GOT FINGERED (2001)// 0 STARS

"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."

11. CORKY ROMANO (2001) // HALF STAR

Corky Romano is like a dead zone of comedy. The concept is exhausted, the ideas are tired, the physical gags are routine, the story is labored, the actors look like they can barely contain their doubts about the project.”

12. CHARLIE'S ANGELS (2000) // HALF STAR

Charlie’s Angels is like the trailer for a video game movie, lacking only the video game, and the movie.”

13. MANNEQUIN (1987) // HALF STAR

“A lot of bad movies are fairly throbbing with life. Mannequin is dead. The wake lasts 1 1/2 hours, and then we can leave the theater. Halfway through, I was ready for someone to lead us in reciting the rosary.”

14. EXIT TO EDEN (1994) // HALF STAR

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t get Rosie O’Donnell. I’ve seen her in three or four movies now, and she generally had the same effect on me as fingernails on a blackboard. She’s harsh and abrupt and staccato and doesn’t seem to be having any fun. She looks mean. ...  What were your first thoughts the first time Rosie turned up in the leather dominatrix uniform? Did you maybe have slight misgivings that you were presiding over one of the more misguided film projects of recent years?”

15. HOCUS POCUS (1993) // 1 STAR

“Of the film’s many problems, the greatest may be that all three witches are thoroughly unpleasant. They don’t have personalities; they have behavior patterns and decibel levels. A good movie inspires the audience to subconsciously ask, ‘Give me more!’ The witches in this one inspired my silent cry, ‘Get me out of here!’”

(What can we say? Ebert was occasionally wrong.)

16. TOMMY BOY (1995) // 1 STAR

“No one is funny in Tommy Boy. There are no memorable lines. None of the characters is interesting, except for the enigmatic figure played by Rob Lowe, who seems to have wandered over from Hamlet. Judging by the evidence on the screen, the movie got a green light before a usable screenplay had been prepared, with everybody reassuring themselves that since they were such funny people, inspiration would overcome them.”

17. THE VILLAGE (2004) // 1 STAR

“Eventually the secret of Those, etc., is revealed. It’s a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It’s so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don’t know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we’re back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets.”

18. THE LOVE GURU (2008) // 1 STAR

“Myers has some funny moments, but this film could have been written on toilet walls by callow adolescents. Every reference to a human sex organ or process of defecation is not automatically funny simply because it is naughty, but Myers seems to labor under that delusion. He acts as if he’s getting away with something, but in fact all he’s getting away with is selling tickets to a dreary experience.”

19. SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL (1989) // 0 STARS

“What planet did the makers of this film come from? What assumptions do they have about the purpose and quality of life? I ask because She’s Out of Control is simultaneously so bizarre and so banal that it’s a first: the first movie fabricated entirely from sitcom cliches and plastic lifestyles, without reference to any known plane of reality.”

20. SUMMER SCHOOL (1987) // HALF STAR

“You see it, you leave the theater, and then it evaporates, leaving just a slight residue, something like a vaguely unpleasant taste in the memory.”

21. CLIFFORD (1994) // HALF STAR

“It’s not bad in any usual way. It’s bad in a new way all its own. There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it’s based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe. The movie is so odd, it’s most worth seeing just because we’ll never see anything like it again. I hope.”

22. NORTH (1994) // 0 STARS

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

Alan Zweibel wrote this film, and he got a chance to confront Ebert about the review. In a bathroom.

23. 200 CIGARETTES (1999)// HALF STAR

"Maybe another 200 cigarettes would have helped; coughing would be better than some of this dialogue."

24. DEATH TO SMOOCHY (2002) // HALF STAR

"In all the annals of the movies, few films have been this odd, inexplicable and unpleasant."

25. SAVING SILVERMAN (2001) // HALF STAR

"Saving Silverman is so bad in so many different ways that perhaps you should see it, as an example of the lowest slopes of the bell-shaped curve."

He included a critique of Neil Diamond, who makes a guest appearance in the movie: "As for Neil Diamond, Saving Silverman is his first appearance in a fiction film since The Jazz Singer (1980), and one can only marvel that he waited 20 years to appear in a second film, and found one even worse than his first one."

26. THE JAZZ SINGER (1980) // 1 STAR

From rogerebert.com:

"Diamond's whole presence in this movie is offensively narcissistic. His songs are melodramatic, interchangeable, self-aggrandizing groans and anguished shouts, backed protectively by expensive and cloying instrumentation. His dramatic presence also looks over-protected, as if nobody was willing to risk offending him by asking him to seem involved, caring and engaged.

"Diamond plays the whole movie looking at people's third shirt buttons, as if he can't be bothered to meet their eyes and relate with them. It's strange about the Diamond performance: It's not just that he can't act. It's that he sends out creepy vibes. He seems self-absorbed, closed off, grandiose, out of touch with his immediate surroundings."

27. ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE (1994) // 1 STAR

"Most of the people look as if they would rather be in other movies. The movie basically has one joke, which is Ace Ventura's weird nerdy strangeness. If you laugh at this joke, chances are you laugh at Jerry Lewis, too, and I can sympathize with you even if I can't understand you. I found the movie a long, unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot. Kids might like it. Real little kids."

28. STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT (1992) // HALF STAR

"Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! is one of those movies so dimwitted, so utterly lacking in even the smallest morsel of redeeming value, that you stare at the screen in stunned disbelief. It is moronic beyond comprehension, an exercise in desperation during which even Sylvester Stallone, a repository of self-confidence, seems to be disheartened."

29. THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (2005) // 1 STAR

"Of course you don't have to be smart to get into The Dukes of Hazzard. But people like Willie Nelson and Burt Reynolds should have been smart enough to stay out of it. Here is a lame-brained, outdated wheeze about a couple of good ol' boys who roar around the back roads of the South in the General Lee, their beloved 1969 Dodge Charger. As it happens, I also drove a 1969 Dodge Charger. You could have told them apart because mine did not have a Confederate flag painted on the roof."

30. GODZILLA (1998) // 1.5 STARS

"Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica. It's a rebuke to the faith that the building represents. Cannes touchingly adheres to a belief that film can be intelligent, moving and grand. Godzilla is a big, ugly, ungainly device to give teenagers the impression they are seeing a movie."

31. THE BUCKET LIST (2007) // 1 STAR

"The Bucket List is a movie about two old codgers who are nothing like people, both suffering from cancer that is nothing like cancer, and setting off on adventures that are nothing like possible. I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens."

32. DIRTY LOVE (2005) // 0 STAR

"I would like to say more, but—no, I wouldn't. I would not like to say more. I would like to say less. On the basis of Dirty Love, I am not certain that anyone involved has ever seen a movie, or knows what one is."

33. BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000) // HALF STAR

"This movie is awful in so many different ways. Even the opening titles are cheesy. Sci-fi epics usually begin with a stab at impressive titles, but this one just displays green letters on the screen in a type font that came with my Macintosh. Then the movie's subtitle unscrolls from left to right in the kind of 'effect' you see in home movies."

34. THE FLINTSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS (2000) // HALF STAR

"This is an ideal first movie for infants, who can enjoy the bright colors on the screen and wave their tiny hands to the music."

35. PINK FLAMINGOS (1972) // 0 STARS

"John Waters' Pink Flamingos has been restored for its 25th anniversary revival, and with any luck at all that means I won't have to see it again for another 25 years. If I haven't retired by then, I will. ... Note: I am not giving a star rating to Pink Flamingos because stars simply seem not to apply. It should be considered not as a film but as a fact, or perhaps as an object."

Reviews via RogerEbert.com.

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10 Big Facts About Last Action Hero
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Last Action Hero was a funky disaster. What began its life as an homage to the absurdity of '80s action movies called Extremely Violent became more or less a live-action cartoon starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action movie character who learns he’s an action movie character before saving the real world. There are golden tickets that let people and fictional beings cross over from one world to the next, a slew of intentional errors to remind us that we’re watching a movie, and an animated police detective cat voiced by Danny DeVito. Somewhere in the filmmaking process, it devolved into a spoof in the envelope of a love letter.

It was a hard-charging flop that’s earned back some cult appeal for audacity, with all of its fun-loving potential on screen next to all the eyebrow-raising nonsense. Here are 10 facts about the action movie too insane to succeed.

1. THE PRODUCTION ITSELF GOT META EARLY ON.

Original screenwriters Zak Penn and Adam Leff wrote what would become Last Action Hero as a film that would work both as an adrenaline-fueled action ride and as a goof on adrenaline-fueled action, but the sources they drew inspiration from soon invaded the project. Action icon Jack Slater’s name was originally Arno Slater as a nod to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who then took the role of Arno Slater. Penn and Leff studied all of Shane Black’s scripts (the Lethal Weapon movies and The Last Boy Scout) to get the satirical rhythm right, but then Black was hired to rewrite their script. They also used Die Hard and other John McTiernan-directed movies as a baseline for the movie’s style, and then McTiernan was hired to direct their movie. Their comedic love letter was taken over by titans of the very genre they were mocking, who were then put in charge of mocking themselves.

2. IT WAS INSPIRED BY THE SIMPSONS.

Beyond the Schwarzeneggerific action flicks, Penn and Leff launched the project because of an unlikely source: Matt Groening’s irreverent cartoon. “The weird thing is that The Simpsons inspired it in the first place,” Penn said. “We thought, ‘if this show can destroy genres even as it embraces them, why can’t we do it in live action?’” By the time Last Action Hero hit theaters, The Simpsons was already spoofing Schwarzenegger and his action movies with muscle-headed Rainier Wolfcastle, the star of far too many McBain movies, and the show that gave Penn and Leff the creative license to write their film later roasted Last Action Hero directly. In “The Boy Who Knew Too Much,” Bart Simpson tells Wolfcastle his last movie sucked, Wolfcastle admits there were script problems, and Chief Wiggum quips, “I’ll say. Magic ticket my ass, McBain!”

3. CARRIE FISHER, WILLIAM GOLDMAN, AND LARRY FERGUSON ALL DID REWRITES.

Penn and Leff were replaced by Black and David Arnott, who were replaced by novelist and Oscar winner William Goldman (The Princess Bride, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid). Goldman earned a hefty $1 million fee which, according to Black, was to provide a safety net for producers. If it flopped, they could claim they did everything they could, including hiring a world-class writer to whip the screenplay into shape. Turns out they’d need all the excuses they could marshal. With Schwarzenegger and the studio still unhappy with the script, they called in other voices to polish the dialogue, including Carrie Fisher and Larry Ferguson, who was fresh off of The Hunt For Red October. The studio then tried to rehire Black to punch up some action sequences, but he refused. “It just made people breathe easier throwing money at this enormous behemoth,” Black said. The multitude of writers was a major reason the movie ended up so disjointed.

4. THE SCHEDULE DOOMED THE MOVIE FROM THE OUTSET.

Regardless of any problems finding the right script (rewrites are common on all big movies), the movie had almost zero chance because there simply wasn’t enough time to make it. From the greenlight to Columbia Pictures’s expected release date of June 18, 1993, McTiernan and company had a bit over nine months to put together a wannabe blockbuster with a massive budget, lots of explosions, and a ton of VFX.

Robert Greenberg, who was hired to do the CGI, said, “I don’t think a production of this scope has been pulled together on such a short schedule,” echoing a sentiment McTiernan (and others) would have later while explaining its failure.

As the project barreled toward a release date that the studio refused to change (even after a disastrous public feedback screening they claimed was “absolutely sensational”), the crew was working 18-hour days, six days a week. It got so bad they had to bring in a masseuse, and the final cut was done mere days before they had to ship prints to theaters. Last Action Hero was also released a week after Jurassic Park, which was … not so good for it.

5. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER GOT AC/DC TO WRITE A SONG FOR IT.

Last Action Hero was the first movie Schwarzenegger executive produced, and he had approval on every detail—right down to the marketing. Knowing that Jack Slater would need an explosive, memorable anthem, Schwarzenegger personally sought out AC/DC, but instead of asking for the rights to one of their hits, he asked them to write something new. Thus, “Big Gun” was born. It’s an uncomplicated, face-melting rock song and the most memorable element of the entire movie. With all the other miscalculations over the movie’s tone, the production schedule, and the release date, at least Schwarzenegger got this one right.

6. THEY HIRED A CHEAPER VERSION OF ALAN RICKMAN.

Charles Dance in 'Last Action Hero' (1993)
Columbia Pictures

Just as Schwarzenegger was the model for the beefy, gun-toting hero, the villainous Benedict was based on Alan Rickman’s steely Hans Gruber from McTiernan’s Die Hard. The young boy (played by Austin O’Brien) who travels into the world of Jack Slater’s movies even breaks the fourth wall by referring to Benedict as Rickman at one point in the script. So, naturally, the production tried to bring Rickman on board, but he turned them down. They hired Charles Dance for the role instead, and when Dance discovered he was a less expensive second choice, he showed up to set wearing a shirt proclaiming, “I’m cheaper than Alan Rickman!” which almost definitely fit with the meta vibe of the production.

7. THERE WAS AN OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF CAMEOS IN IT.

Schwarzenegger also called in a lot of favors from co-stars and connections he’d made while ascending to the very top of global Hollywood stardom. Sharon Stone shows up as her Basic Instinct character alongside Robert Patrick as a Terminator 2 T-1000 in a background shot. Schwarzenegger’s then-wife Maria Shriver appears as herself, Danny DeVito voices the police cat, and Joan Plowright plays a teacher showing a class her real-life late husband Laurence Olivier’s version of Hamlet (“You might remember him as Zeus in Clash of the Titans”). Plus, Leeza Gibbons played herself doing celebrity interviews, Tina Turner plays the mayor of Los Angeles, and Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jim Belushi, and Chevy Chase are in the audience for the premiere of Jack Slater IV. Tony Danza, MC Hammer, Little Richard, and James Cameron also pop up. There are even more, but the best is Ian McKellen playing Death, emerging from the screen from Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal.

8. THERE IS ALSO AN OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF REFERENCES TO OTHER MOVIES.

References are to be expected with any spoof, but Last Action Hero smothers you with them. IMDB lists 68 references, which means there’s a reference to another movie every two minutes. They range from King Kong to The Wizard of Oz to Serpico to E.T., but of course the bulk of the callbacks evoke movies from Schwarzenegger, Black, and McTiernan. There are nods to Commando, The Running Man, Die Hard, Total Recall, Raw Deal, and an advertisement for Terminator 2 (with Sylvester Stallone starring instead of Schwarzenegger). But the sharpest homage comes after Frank’s (Art Carney) house blows up when a black cop says with resignation, “Two days to retirement,” referencing Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon.

9. IT WAS BOTH ART CARNEY'S AND TORU TANAKA’S FINAL FILM.

Carney got his start in radio in the late 1930s before becoming a star on The Honeymooners and winning an Oscar for Harry and Tonto in 1974. In Last Action Hero, he plays Jack Slater’s favorite second cousin, whose death he’s avenging in Jack Slater IV because he’d avenged all his closer relatives in previous films. It was his last movie, and his last line was, “I’m outta here.”

It was also the last credited appearance for Toru Tanaka (a.k.a. pro wrestling’s Professor Tanaka), who appeared in action movies in bodyguard and warrior roles. His inclusion in Last Action Hero as “Tough Asian Man” might also be considered a callback to The Running Man in which (spoiler!) Schwarzenegger also fights and kills his character.

10. IT WAS THE FIRST MOVIE TO BE ADVERTISED ON A NASA ROCKET.

The advertising campaign for Last Action Hero was boisterous to say the least. There was the four-story-tall Jack Slater/Schwarzenegger inflatable at the Cannes Film Festival (which they also erected in Times Square), but they went even bigger by painting the movie’s logo on an unmanned NASA rocket. The first attempt at space-based advertising reportedly cost $500,000 and literally didn’t take off. As with everything else in this doomed project, the COMET rocket that was set to launch in May to promote the June release of the movie was delayed for technical reasons and didn’t head for the stars until after the movie had flopped.

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