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31 Temperance Movement Jokes to Zing Drunkards

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Wikimedia Commons

In 1867, John William Kirton wanted to show that you didn't have to drink to be saucy, fun, or extemporaneous. To prove this and to help his teetotalling pals, he put together a book, One Thousand Temperance Anecdotes, Jokes, Riddles, Puns, and Smart Sayings. It was intended to be used by "friends of Temperance, whose hearts and souls are in the work, but whose hands are too full of other matters to enable them, at short notice, to get up a speech or an address."

Included in this volume is a joke section, stuffed with a barrelful of anti-drinking zingers that are so scorchin', they will singe the hair right off the town drunk's ruddy head. I've included the BurnMeter™ to measure how hot these knee-slappers are so you don't have to worry about completely incinerating whoever is on the receiving end.

1. What is Malt? — Why, Maltreated barley!

BurnMeter: 7/10. This one goes out to all the barley lovers out there who like their stuff pure.

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2. What letter is frequently drunk?—T

BurnMeter: 5/10. Not exactly a side-splitter, but they can't all be champs.

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3. Wanted, some of the beer produced “when mischief is brewing.”

BurnMeter: 3/10. Not sure what this one means, but it probably sounds fierce if said with conviction.

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4. Why is there no life in gin? Because it is still-born.

BurnMeter: 9/10. Yeesh, a little dark.

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5. Why is drinking like an old coat? It’s a bad habit.

BurnMeter: 10/10. DAAAAAAAMN!!! *AIRHORN*

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6. Why is a drunkard like a tanner? Because he soaks his hide.

BurnMeter: 8/10. No offense to tanners.

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7. A canter will give you ruddy cheeks, a decanter will give you a ruddy nose.

BurnMeter: 6/10. Funny because it's true.

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8. What kind of ale does a family of children represent? Home brood (brewed).

BurnMeter: 4/10. Parentheses explaining the wordplay are much appreciated.

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9. Why is the letter D a great reformer? Because it makes men mend.

BurnMeter: 3/10. Really makes you think.

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10. Why is a Jewish feast like a brewer in his brewery? Hebrews (he brews) drink there.

BurnMeter: 2/10. Alright, let's go easy with the cultural zings (thanks again for the parenthetical explanation, though).

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11. If a toper and a gallon of whisky were left together, which would be drunk first?

BurnMeter: 8/10. Had to look it up, but a "toper" is a drunkard, so, in that case, suck on that, topers.

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12. Why ought not tee-totallers to drink ox-tail soup? Because it is Whisky.

BurnMeter: 1/10. Let's keep moving, this is a creative space, it's important to get everything out there.

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13. Why is a selfish friend like the letter P? Because, though he is the first in pity, he is the last in help.

BurnMeter: 6/10. Points deducted for not being about alcohol, points added for profundity.

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14. What people have a geographical reason for being drunk? Those who live in the Temperate Zone!

BurnMeter: 7/10. Exclamation point solidifies the funny.

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15. Why must the persons appointed to wind up joint-stock companies invariably be tee-totalers?—Because they are liquid-haters.

BurnMeter: 7/10. Some droll razzing for the smart set. You know who you are.

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16. “Well, my boy, do you know what syntax means?” said a schoolmaster to the child of a teetotaller.
“Yes sir; the duty upon spirits.”

BurnMeter: 9/10. Someone pull the fire alarm, because that schoolmaster just got burned in his own classroom. Exit in an orderly fashion, children.

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17. “Were you ever in Cork, sir?” was asked Foote, the comedian, one day. To which he replied,—
“That though in most cities of note he had been, Yet of Cork ’t was the drawing alone he had seen."

BurnMeter: 3/10. Don't really get it, but the guy's a comedian so it's probably really funny.

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18. “Can you tell me the difference between gravity and gravitation?” said a schoolmaster to his pupil. “Yes, when you are drunk, sir, you lose your gravity, and then your gravitation begins to operate!”

BurnMeter: VOID. Pretty sure the pupil is accusing the schoolmaster of being some sort of sexual predator here. While sick burns are always appreciated, this matter should have been brought to the attention of the proper authorities.

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19. What is a dram?—A dram, generally speaking, is a small quantity taken in large quantities by those who have few grains of sobriety and no scruples of conscience.

BurnMeter: 8/10. Practice this one to yourself a couple hours a night because it's pretty hard to say. But if you have it down pat, it'll be an exhilarating burn and a real show-stopper.

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20. When is a scruple more than a dram? When conscience makes a teetotaller refuse a thimbleful of brandy!

BurnMeter: 5/10. A lesser zing from the scruple/dram collection.

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21. What is the difference between a Rose and a bottle of Port Wine? The one helps to make a nose-gay, and the other a gay nose.

BurnMeter: 3/10. May not translate.

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22. Why is wine made up for the British market like a deserter from the army? Because it is always brandied (branded) before it is sent off.

BurnMeter: 7/10. Again, the parenthetical explanation helps considerably.

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23. Why is a ship which has to encounter rough weather before it reaches its destination, like a certain wine which is usually adulterated with logwood and other similar matters? Because it goes through a vast deal before it comes into Port.

BurnMeter: 6/10. A little verbose, but it eventually gets to Funnytown.

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24. What portion of the trimming of a lady’s dress resembles East India sherry of the best quality? That which goes round the Cape.

BurnMeter: 1/10. Not sure how this pro-sherry joke got in here, but be sure to avoid it (the zinger and the sherry).

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25. Mrs. Partington, on hearing that in California gold was found in quartz, wanted to know if any had yet been discovered in gallons. She thought when they came to finding it by the hogshead, she would go out there herself.

BurnMeter: 6/10. If you are doing this in the presence of someone whose name really is Mrs. Partington, then the BurnMeter goes up to 9.

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26. Archbishop Wately once asked—“If the Devil lost his tail, where would he go for a fresh one?”
“To a gin-shop, for they retail all kinds of spirits!

BurnMeter: 8/10. Lots of layers to this joke, knee-slapper to let stew.

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27. A wag hearing that in 1830 the brewers consumed 700,000 quarters of barley less than were used in 1779, and yet made a million barrels more of beer, asked, very pertinently, “which had grown smaller—the barrels or the beer?”

BurnMeter: 5/10. Good, but this joke works best if you are put in a situation where someone is rattling off brewery production stats from 1830. That way, the response will appear to be organic.

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28. Why is alcohol like a clothes-brush? Because it is celebrated for destroying the coats of the stomach.

BurnMeter: 10/10. BOOM! *EXTENDED AIRHORN*

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29. Why is a toper, who hesitates to take the pledge, like a sceptical Hindoo? Because he does not know whether to give up the Jug-or-not.

BurnMeter: 2/10. Okay, pump the brakes on this one. Let's slow it down.

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30. Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Because she is constantly using the Glass.

BurnMeter: 9/10. Two zings in one, this burn is double trouble.

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31. Why do not printers succeed in business as well as brewers? Because the printer works for the head, and the brewer for the stomach. For twenty men who have a stomach, only one has a brain.

BurnMeter: 6/10. Not so much a joke, but rather the printer of 'One Thousand Temperance Anecdotes, Jokes, Riddles, Puns, and Smart Sayings' trying to rationalize his financial troubles. Still pretty sizzlin' though.

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11 Common Misconceptions About Beer
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If beer only conjures up images of frat boys pounding cans of the cheap stuff or doughy sports fans reveling in the alcoholic refreshment before, during, and after a big game, think again. Beer has come a long way, baby, and many of the preconceived notions about the beverage are decidedly unfair, as evidenced by the following 11 fabrications.

1. BEER SHOULD BE SERVED ICE COLD.

All of those neon ice cold beer signs are actually bad news for beer drinkers. To properly enjoy their beer, it should be served at 44 degrees Fahrenheit (with a little leeway depending on the type of beer you’re drinking—a barrel-aged Stout, for example, should be served only lightly chilled). The reason is that taste buds become dead to the taste of the drink when it is served any colder, which means you’re not really tasting anything or getting the most enjoyment out of your beer.

2. FROSTED BEER MUGS KEEP IT CLASSY.

Piggybacking on the falsehood that beer should be guzzled cold, it also shouldn’t be served in a frosted beer mug. Would you serve wine in a frosted glass? No. An intensely cold beer mug will also numb your senses to the taste of the beer.

3. ALL DARK BEERS ARE HEAVY.

If you’ve been avoiding dark beers because you fear their intensity, you’ve been sorely misguided. “People naturally assume they are heavier,” says Hallie Beaune, a rep for Allagash Brewing Company and author of The Naked Pint: An Unadulterated Guide to Craft Beer. “I think it’s that connection to Guinness, which promotes itself as creamy and almost like a meal, that’s the feeling they give in their commercials. For a lot of people that’s the first dark beer they’ve had so they assume they’re all similar when, really, dark beers are just dark because of the roast level of the malt that’s used in the beer.”

4. GUINNESS IS INHERENTLY FROTHY.

Sure, Guinness is served all creamy and delicious-looking, but Beaune explains it has less to do with the beer itself and everything to do with the tap most stouts use, which has more nitrogen than the standard tap (generally a mix of nitrogen and CO2). To deliver all that frothiness, a stout faucet, which has a long, narrow spout, is used.

5. DRINKING BEER FROM THE BOTTLE IS THE BEST WAY TO ENJOY IT.

Sure, a bottle may look more refined than a can, but it’s still not the appropriate vessel. “Drinking beer from the bottle is another no-no, mostly because what you taste comes from your olfactory senses from your nose, so if you take a sip of something from that kind of bottle your nose isn’t participating at all,” says Beaune. “It’s too small for you to get a whiff of the beer. Just like if you were drinking red wine out of a wine bottle, you wouldn’t really be able to evaluate that wine.”

6. YOU CAN STORE BEER ANYWHERE.

Think again! All beer should be stored in a refrigerator. It responds best to cold, dark storage.

7. "SKUNKY" IS JUST A CUTE WORD FOR BEER GONE BAD.

There is actually a reason why seemingly rancid beer is termed "skunky." “Light can hurt beer—they call it lightstruck,” says Beaune. “The light interacts with the hops in beer (the four ingredients in beer are malt, water, hops and yeast), and it can actually have this chemical reaction that creates a smell that’s the same as a skunk gives off, which is why you hear about skunky beer.”

8. ALL BEER BOTTLES ARE CREATED EQUAL.

Darker bottles are important. Clear or green bottles may be pretty, but they’re not doing much to protect your beer from light. Dark beer bottles work best to help retain its intended flavor.

9. CANNED BEER MEANS CHEAP BEER.

Cans are actually a great way to protect beer, but in the old days they would often give the beverage an aluminum taste. “Most of the cans the craft breweries are using nowadays have a water-based liner so the beer isn’t actually touching the aluminum,” says Beaune. “It can be really good for beer. Cans heat up and cool down very quickly, too, so you obviously want to keep them cold.”

10. BEER IS MUCH SIMPLER THAN WINE.

You’ve got your four ingredients—malt, yeast, water and hops—what could be more basic than that? Manipulating those ingredients in various ways will give you different varieties, but breweries are doing some really cool stuff by adding flavors you’d never dream would work so well in beer. “A lot of the flavor in beer comes from the malt or the hops or yeast, but then there’s all of this freedom in beer,” says Beaune. “We did a beer at Allagash called Farm to Face, which is a pretty tart and sour beer. We added fresh peaches to it from a local farm. You can’t do that with wine—you can’t add peaches. People add everything you can imagine to beer like pineapple, coconut, every fruit—there are no rules. That’s one of the fun things about beer, it’s a lot like cooking, you can add rosemary, you can add whatever you want. Everybody experiments. It keeps the beer world really interesting.”

11. BEER WILL GIVE YOU A BEER BELLY, BUT COCKTAILS WON'T.

Sure, anything in excess will contribute to weight gain, but beer is hardly the most calorie-laden drink you’ll find in a bar. Much of the flack beer gets (i.e. the “beer belly”) goes back to the fallacy that beer is particularly heavy. “Most glasses of wine are pretty high in alcohol and a lot of cocktails are way higher in calories,” says Beaune. “If you drink a margarita that’s one of the highest calorie things you can drink.”

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Spain's Famous Blue Wine Is Coming to America
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Gïk

Last year, a Spanish startup caused a stir when it introduced its electric-blue wine to markets in Europe. Now, after receiving preorders for more than 30,000 bottles from American customers, the eye-catching beverage is finally ready to make its way to the U.S., Eater reports.

The bright blue drink, dubbed Gïk, is the creation of six young entrepreneurs with no previous experience in the winemaking industry. They collaborated with University of the Basque Country and the food research department of the Basque Government to make the product.

Gïk is made from a blend of red and white grapes with a non-calorie sweetener added in. Though the color resembles something you'd find in the cleaning supplies aisle, the ingredients that create the effect are all natural. A pigment found in grape skin and indigo from the Isatis tinctoria plant (commonly known as woad) are responsible for the wine's alarming hue.

The shade—which according to co-founder Aritz López represents "movement, innovation, fluidity, change, and infinity"—is intended to appeal to Millennial buyers. With an alcohol content percentage of 11.5, Gïk is comparable to a white zinfandel or prosecco, and a pack of three bottles retails for $48.

The Basque region of Spain is traditionally known for its sparkling, acidic wine, but Gïk was designed to stand out from the current options. In 2016, López told Eater that his team felt the Spanish wine scene was "missing a little revolution," so they set out to create something innovative. But it turned out to be a little too innovative for the company's own good: According to Spanish law, only red or white wine can be sold in local markets, and Gïk was fined €3000 (about $3600) for violating the rule. Following the controversy, they were forced to drop the "wine" label and start branding the concoction as "99% wine and 1% grape must."

Standards are less strict in the U.S., and when bottles reach markets stateside they will be flying under the wine banner once again. Gïk will make its U.S. debut in stores in Miami, Boston, and Texas before hopefully expanding to retailers in New York, New Jersey, Michigan, Washington, California, and Nevada. And while they may have the blue wine market cornered, there's at least one blue-hued beer brand out there Gïk will be competing with.

[h/t Eater]

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