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Life Lessons From Sharper Image Catalogs

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If you're wondering what happened to The Sharper Image, America's one-stop shop for overpriced junk, this sad tête-à-tête from their website sums it up nicely:

Q. What happened to the Sharper Image retail stores?
A. All Sharper Image retail stores have closed.

After filing for bankruptcy in 2008, the gadget emporium was acquired by a joint venture firm that now operates its website and has nothing to do with the original retailer. In other words, The Sharper Image as you or I know it is dead.

All that remains are old catalogs, and inside each of these is a precious glimpse into a bygone era when we all blissfully teetered on the edge of catastrophic consumer stupidity. The following products were all sold in Sharper Image catalogs from 1987 to 1989 and they each teach us a valuable lesson about what life was like back then.

Man-Sized Dolls Were Your Only Defense Against Rampant Crime

The 1980s were so dangerous, if you didn't have a large man by your side at all times, an 18-wheeler would appear out of nowhere and smash you into smithereens. That scenario serves as catalog copy for Gregory, a "burly six-footer" whose "stern appearance is no accident":

"His rugged cleft chin, square-set jaw, firm expression, and broad shoulders telegraph to criminals that this is a man to avoid." Men want to be this doll, women want to be with this doll.

Some notable features of the $500 mannequin:
-Gregory has no lower legs.
-Gregory can be "changed with cosmetics to any age or race." It should be noted that, in his original state, he looks like a six-foot white baby.
-Like all us real macho men, he is "also available unclothed."
-You can "garb him in sports, casual, or business attire...or put him in a tux for formal occasions." This Gregory didn't get the memo, and showed up to a ritzy new year's celebration in a turtleneck:

Ideally, Piping-Hot Coffee Was Groin Adjacent

The dilemma: You bought great tickets to a San Francisco 49ers game, but you were up all night watching The Pat Sajak Show and need three quarts of coffee to stay awake.

The solution: The Sit N Sip, a seat cushion that stores and insulates three quarts of your favorite hot beverage and dispenses it from a spout placed in between your legs. An invention so simple and elegant, nothing could possibly go wrong to the person using it.

Americans Spent Most of Their Lives Rewinding VHS Tapes

Make that copy of Beaches haul ass with the AutoWinder, a machine that rewinds video cassettes and, uh, looks like a car. The catalog boasts that it "rewinds a two-hour movie in just under four minutes" and "saves your VCR from unnecessary wear and tear." Think of the money you're throwing away by not rewinding your VHS tapes in a tiny plastic car.

Cell Phones Were Important, But Only Because They Made You Look Rich

The Sharper Image was prescient enough to foresee the cellular phone boom, but too status-obsessed to profit on it with anything other than a fake antenna that you put on your car to make people think you were rich.

"Drive to class reunions with this new Phone-E antenna on your car," the catalog's description states, "and even Mr. Most-Likely-To-Succeed will be envious. Everyone will assume you have a cellular phone—the mark of success in the 80s." And if you're worried about someone breaking into your car to steal your rich-person's radio, I know a guy named Gregory who's not to be messed with.

Robots Body Shamed You

Stepping on a scale can be a humiliating experience, but with the Weight Talker II, it's a humiliating experience narrated by a disappointed robot. The scale uses a "pleasant male voice," giving you the terse Ukrainian gymnastics coach you never knew you wanted.

But Getting in Shape Was Easy

"Hello, this is Stetson. No, I can talk, I'm just working out and reading about my stocks. Yes, I too can't wait to see what kind of trouble Alf gets into next. Alright, nice speaking with you, President Reagan."

Toddlers Were Rich Jerks

Little Colby here just had a five martini lunch and he's speeding back to work in his Porsche so he can fire your ass before heading up to the Hamptons.

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Hamilton Broadway
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Food
A Hamilton-Themed Cookbook is Coming
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Hamilton Broadway

Fans of Broadway hit Hamilton will soon be able to dine like the Founding Fathers: As Eater reports, a new Alexander Hamilton-inspired cookbook is slated for release in fall 2017.

Cover art for Laura Kumin's forthcoming cookbook
Amazon

Called The Hamilton Cookbook: Cooking, Eating, and Entertaining in Hamilton’s World, the recipe collection by author Laura Kumin “takes you into Hamilton’s home and to his table, with historical information, recipes, and tips on how you can prepare food and serve the food that our founding fathers enjoyed in their day,” according to the Amazon description. It also recounts Hamilton’s favorite dishes, how he enjoyed them, and which ingredients were used.

Recipes included are cauliflower florets two ways, fried sausages and apples, gingerbread cake, and apple pie. (Cue the "young, scrappy, and hungry" references.) The cookbook’s official release is on November 21—but until then, you can stave off your appetite for all things Hamilton-related by downloading the musical’s new app.

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fun
Never Buy Drawing Paper Again With This Endlessly Reusable Art Notebook
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Art supplies can get pricey when you’re letting your kid’s creativity run wild. But with an endlessly reusable notebook, you never have to worry about running out of paper during that after-school coloring session.

The creators of the erasable Rocketbook Wave have come out with a new version of their signature product meant especially for color drawings. The connected Rocketbook Color notebook allows you to send images drawn on its pages to Google Drive or other cloud services with your phone, then erase the pages by sticking the whole notebook in the microwave. You get a digital copy of your work (one that, with more vibrant colors, might look even better than the original) and get to go on drawing almost immediately after you fill the book.

An animated view of a notebook’s pages changing between different drawings.

There’s no special equipment involved beyond the notebook itself. The Rocketbook Color works with Crayola and other brands’ washable crayons and colored pencils, plus dry-erase markers. The pages are designed to be smudge-proof, so turning the page won’t ruin the art on the other side even if you are using dry-erase markers.

Rocketbook’s marketing is aimed at kids, but adults like to save paper, too. Break away from the adult coloring books and go free-form. If it doesn’t quite work out, you can just erase it forever.

The notebooks are $20 each on Kickstarter.

All images courtesy Rocketbook

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