Life Lessons From Sharper Image Catalogs

If you're wondering what happened to The Sharper Image, America's one-stop shop for overpriced junk, this sad tête-à-tête from their website sums it up nicely:

Q. What happened to the Sharper Image retail stores?
A. All Sharper Image retail stores have closed.

After filing for bankruptcy in 2008, the gadget emporium was acquired by a joint venture firm that now operates its website and has nothing to do with the original retailer. In other words, The Sharper Image as you or I know it is dead.

All that remains are old catalogs, and inside each of these is a precious glimpse into a bygone era when we all blissfully teetered on the edge of catastrophic consumer stupidity. The following products were all sold in Sharper Image catalogs from 1987 to 1989 and they each teach us a valuable lesson about what life was like back then.

Man-Sized Dolls Were Your Only Defense Against Rampant Crime

The 1980s were so dangerous, if you didn't have a large man by your side at all times, an 18-wheeler would appear out of nowhere and smash you into smithereens. That scenario serves as catalog copy for Gregory, a "burly six-footer" whose "stern appearance is no accident":

"His rugged cleft chin, square-set jaw, firm expression, and broad shoulders telegraph to criminals that this is a man to avoid." Men want to be this doll, women want to be with this doll.

Some notable features of the $500 mannequin:
-Gregory has no lower legs.
-Gregory can be "changed with cosmetics to any age or race." It should be noted that, in his original state, he looks like a six-foot white baby.
-Like all us real macho men, he is "also available unclothed."
-You can "garb him in sports, casual, or business attire...or put him in a tux for formal occasions." This Gregory didn't get the memo, and showed up to a ritzy new year's celebration in a turtleneck:

Ideally, Piping-Hot Coffee Was Groin Adjacent

The dilemma: You bought great tickets to a San Francisco 49ers game, but you were up all night watching The Pat Sajak Show and need three quarts of coffee to stay awake.

The solution: The Sit N Sip, a seat cushion that stores and insulates three quarts of your favorite hot beverage and dispenses it from a spout placed in between your legs. An invention so simple and elegant, nothing could possibly go wrong to the person using it.

Americans Spent Most of Their Lives Rewinding VHS Tapes

Make that copy of Beaches haul ass with the AutoWinder, a machine that rewinds video cassettes and, uh, looks like a car. The catalog boasts that it "rewinds a two-hour movie in just under four minutes" and "saves your VCR from unnecessary wear and tear." Think of the money you're throwing away by not rewinding your VHS tapes in a tiny plastic car.

Cell Phones Were Important, But Only Because They Made You Look Rich

The Sharper Image was prescient enough to foresee the cellular phone boom, but too status-obsessed to profit on it with anything other than a fake antenna that you put on your car to make people think you were rich.

"Drive to class reunions with this new Phone-E antenna on your car," the catalog's description states, "and even Mr. Most-Likely-To-Succeed will be envious. Everyone will assume you have a cellular phone—the mark of success in the 80s." And if you're worried about someone breaking into your car to steal your rich-person's radio, I know a guy named Gregory who's not to be messed with.

Robots Body Shamed You

Stepping on a scale can be a humiliating experience, but with the Weight Talker II, it's a humiliating experience narrated by a disappointed robot. The scale uses a "pleasant male voice," giving you the terse Ukrainian gymnastics coach you never knew you wanted.

But Getting in Shape Was Easy

"Hello, this is Stetson. No, I can talk, I'm just working out and reading about my stocks. Yes, I too can't wait to see what kind of trouble Alf gets into next. Alright, nice speaking with you, President Reagan."

Toddlers Were Rich Jerks

Little Colby here just had a five martini lunch and he's speeding back to work in his Porsche so he can fire your ass before heading up to the Hamptons.

fun

Nickelback Responds to Once Upon a Deadpool Trailer Shout-Out

Mike Windle, Getty Images for iHeartMedia
Mike Windle, Getty Images for iHeartMedia

Fans of the Merc With a Mouth were curious when it was announced that a PG-13 version of Deadpool 2 would be coming to theaters. Many people assumed it would likely just be a severely edited version of the original film that cut out some of the most R-rated jokes so that younger audiences could enjoy it, too. Those people were wrong.

While the redux, which has been dubbed Once Upon a Deadpool, is essentially the same film (albeit with less vulgarity), this time around it's being told in the style of The Princess Bride. Yep, the film features Deadpool telling his story to an all-grown-up Fred Savage, who starred in the 1987 Rob Reiner classic.

The new add-on to Deadpool 2 opens up a lot of opportunity for comedic banter between the two, and a new trailer confirms just that. The clip shows an argument between Deadpool and Fred, where they have a disagreement about the talent of the rock band Nickelback.

When Fred calls Nickelback “over-produced, formulaic ear garbage,” Deadpool takes it personally and reminds the former child actor of the band’s many impressive achievements.

After Fred apologizes, it hilariously becomes evident that he, too, is indeed a fan. And the two break out in song with Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me.”

Deadpool fans and even Nickelback haters loved the teaser—and the band took notice, too.

For the record, Nickelback's divisiveness as a band has been such a hot-button topic that, in 2016, a Finnish researcher actually conducted a study on why the Canadian rockers engender so much hate. Her conclusion? They're too safe, a little boring, and just too damn popular.

Once Upon a Deadpool will arrive in theaters for a limited run on December 12, 2018.

Ralphie's House From A Christmas Story Is Available to Rent

Jimmy Emerson, DVM, Flickr // CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
Jimmy Emerson, DVM, Flickr // CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

From Chinese restaurant Christmas dinners to receiving embarrassing gifts from an aunt, many viewers can relate to Ralphie Parker's holiday experience in 1983's A Christmas Story. Now fans of the beloved film—which is celebrating its 35th anniversary—can live it firsthand: As WLWT5 reports, the Parker house from A Christmas Story is available to rent on a nightly basis.

Located in the Tremont neighborhood of Cleveland, Ohio, the iconic childhood home of the movie's narrator is open to the public year-round. During the day, guests can take a guided tour of the house where Ralphie almost shot his eye out. The interior is decorated to match the movie's 1940s setting, complete with a leg lamp in the living room window.

At night, the building's private third floor is available for guests to rent out. The loft, which includes a bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom, can accommodate six people at a time. Rates start at $395 per night, though the price varies depending on the time of year.

Whether you're spending the night at Ralphie's or just visiting for a tour, your trip also includes admission to the Christmas Story Museum across the street. There you'll find original memorabilia from the film, including Randy's snowsuit, the chalkboard from Miss Shields's classroom, and the Parker family's car.

To book your stay, head over to the house and museum's website.

Interior of home from A Christmas Story.
A Christmas Story House & Museum

[h/t WLWT5]

SECTIONS

arrow
LIVE SMARTER