11 Comic Book Superpowers The World Could Do Without

Wikimedia Commons

From rainbow breath to incredible weight gain via donuts.

1. The Power to Eat Things

If you're desperate for heroes with mediocre superpowers, look no further than the Legion of Super-Heroes, the 30th-century superhero squad that started out in 1958. Packed with uninspiring members, the legion featured the likes of Bouncing Boy (who could bounce around like a ball), Chlorophyll Kid (who could make plants grow faster) and Dream Girl (who could tell the future through dreams). But the strangest of all was Matter-Eater Lad, who just ate things. Matter-Eater Lad's finest moment was stopping an indestructible machine from destroying the universe by eating it. The storylines were that good. In 1993, DC Comics decided that the character was too silly for the newer, grittier style of comics, and he was rewritten as the Legion's personal chef, who didn't really get involved in the combat.

2. The Power of Having Eyes on Your Fingers

Batman Wiki

Ten-Eyed Man was a Batman villain with, uh, ten eyes. He was blinded in an accident, but had a sinister doctor attach optic nerves to his fingers. When imprisoned, the police put his hands in a box so he couldn't see. This was very effective in preventing his escape. This super-villain concept was revived with the second Ten-Eyed Man, but he was eventually felled when Batman poured hot oil on his hands, which blinded him.

3. The Power to Talk Loudly

Wikimedia Commons

If Black Bolt told a joke, he'd bring the house down. Of course, if he said anything at all, he'd bring the house down. As King of the Inhumans, a mysterious super race based on the moon, Black Bolt packs a great set of lungs. So great, in fact, that he causes utter destruction with his "quasi-sonic" scream, even with the faintest whisper. As a result, the soft-spoken superhero usually keeps quiet, speaking only when he needs to destroy things. While it might seem like an inconvenient power, old Bolty doesn't seem to mind. When he isn't occupied with superheroics, he quietly rules his kingdom with his wife, Medusa, who no doubt can't believe her luck: a husband who won't talk back! The books have yet to reveal what happens when he gets the hiccups.

4. Detachable Body Parts

Since the 1940s, there have been no less than seven superheroes called Captain Marvel. But the strangest might be the one briefly published by M.F. Publications in 1966. As a robotic superhero, Captain Marvel could will his body parts in different directions, just by yelling the command: "Split!" This allowed him to fight numerous villains in various locations all at once. His feet would separate and karate kick evil-doers, while his left and right hands would be jabbing and punching in different parts of the room. Presumably, he could also use his torso to hip-check villains, Black Knight-style. It was never really made clear how any villain worth their salt could be overcome by a disembodied finger or foot—and since the comic hasn't been published for over 40 years, we'll probably never know. Although robot Captain Marvel is the least famous of the Captains Marvels, he hasn't been forgotten. Some readers view the books as camp classics.

5. Rainbow Breath

DC Wikia

Admittedly, I have no idea what this does, but according to the text—when used with other powers like "X-ray strength", "speed-squared" and "shame-vision"—it's "enough to topple most 21st century Western economies." Maybe, but the Lucky Charmed halitosis still sounds pretty dumb. Rainbow breath is just one of the 1,204 super-powers (including "nuclear poop-vision" and "larynx-freezing vision") that belong to Seth, a monstrous, genetically-engineered hillbilly who fights the influential superhero team The Authority (published by Wildstorm Productions) in 2002. So, how do you take down a force like Seth? The Authority finally beat him by finding his failsafe mechanism and transforming him into seven chickens (yes, seven chickens), all of which were then eaten by his own family.

6. The Power to Stop A Watch

A forgotten character from the Golden Age of comic books, Mister Midnite first appeared in Silver Streak Comics in 1939. While many writers were dreaming up cool powers for new superheroes to cash in on the success of Superman, the brains at little-known Comic House Publishers came up with Mister Midnite (alias "wealthy young sportsman" Neal Carruthers), who possessed a unique power. When he called out "Stop, time!" he could stop time? Well, not exactly. He could only stop clocks. He only lasted two issues, perhaps because his publisher realized that there was only so much you can do with that power. Fortunately, he never had to battle Uri Geller.

7. Super-Ventriloquism

Another also-ran from the Golden Age, the Echo's power was to, er, throw his voice. This works well for him in his day job (he's a ventriloquist), but also in his work as an amateur detective, tricking villains by making them think that they're surrounded by cops, when it's really the Echo saying "We've got him covered!"—and making them think that the voice is coming from behind them. Best of all, you never see his lips move! He first appeared in Yankee Comics (1941) and somehow fooled crooks for the next two years. In reality, his name was Jim Carson, though his chemist brother, who helped him fight crime, somehow had the name Dr Doom. (Obviously, not the famous Fantastic Four villain.)

8. Independence Day Powers

Via

In 1966, DC Comics came up with Dial H for Hero, which was about a teenager named Robby Reed who finds a special dial. When he dials H-E-R-O, it transforms him into a superhero—a different one each time. In 1981, the concept was revisited, when two teenagers accidentally found these dials in a haunted house and were magically transformed into adult superheroes. The cleverest part of this idea is that the heroes were invented by the readers themselves. The readers weren't paid any royalties (though they were sent a nifty Dial H for Hero t-shirt), but as the heroes never appeared more than once, they didn't miss out on much.

A pity, as it would have been great to see the further adventures of Balloon Boy, Blazerina, Raggedy Doll and Fuzz Ball (who can bounce around stomping on villains), Lavender Sky-Writer, or the Mighty Moppet (whose baby bottle squirts a liquid to shrink his enemies down to his size). But of the hundreds of dialed-up heroes, few were cooler than the Yankee Doodle Kid, whose super-patriotic powers would leave Captain America to shame. The Kid, one of Robby Reed's heroes from 1966, was a one-man Fourth of July machine, generating fireworks from his eyes, cherry bomb missiles and picture-display illusions from his fingers. Great for defending America against criminals, then celebrating afterwards.

9. The Power to Accurately Imitate Sounds

Wikimedia Commons

Green Arrow and Batman villain Onomatopoeia has the ability to replicate any sound heard around him. He's essentially a tape recorder, but without the charm. Some highlights of Onomatopoeia's powers include sounding like a gun, the snapping of a belt buckle, or the dripping of a faucet.

10. The Power to See in the Dark (While Being Completely Blind in Normal Light)

DC Wikia

Doctor Mid-Nite can see in perfect darkness—Which is cool! Doctor Mid-Nite cannot see anything if there's even the slightest bit of light—Which is not cool. He has to wear special goggles to see in the light, and this accessory is a natural target for enemies who want to gain the upper hand on the poor Doctor.

11. The Power of Squirrels

Marvel Wikia

Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine—some of the coolest superheroes have the abilities of the toughest or most fearsome animals. In 1992, Marvel Comics introduced high-school student Doreen Green, a mutant with the abilities of squirrels. Though this is cooler than it might sound, as Squirrel Girl (what else?) has a semi-prehensile tail, a retractable knuckle spike, enlarged incisors, super-strength and an empathic bond with squirrels. Oh, and she's cute. With her powers, she has singlehandedly defeated Doctor Doom (the villain, not the Echo's brother), and is a valuable member of a team called the Great Lakes Champions. Still, a prehensile tail isn't quite as awesome as spiderwebs.

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Jesse Grant, Getty Images for AMC
5 Bizarre Comic-Con News Stories from Years Past
Jesse Grant, Getty Images for AMC
Jesse Grant, Getty Images for AMC

At its best, San Diego Comic-Con is a friendly place where like-minded people can celebrate their pop culture obsessions, and each other. And no one can make fun of you, no matter how lazy your cosplaying might be. You might think that at its worst, it’s just a series of long lines of costumed fans and small stores crammed into a convention center. But sometimes, throwing together 100,000-plus people from around the world in what feels like a carnival-type atmosphere where anything goes can have less than stellar results. Here are some highlights from past Comic-Con-tastrophes.

1. MAN IN HARRY POTTER T-SHIRT STABS ANOTHER MAN IN THE FACE—WITH A PEN

In 2010, two men waiting for a Comic-Con screening of the Seth Rogen alien comedy Paul got into a very adult argument about whether one of them was sitting too close to the other. Unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion with words, one man stabbed the other in the face with a pen. According to CNN, the attacker was led away wearing handcuffs and a Harry Potter T-shirt. In the aftermath, some Comic-Con attendees dealt with the attack in an oddly fitting way: They cosplayed as the victim, with pens protruding from bloody eye sockets.

2. MEMORABILIA THIEVES INVADE NEW YORK

Since its founding in 2006, New York Comic Con has attracted a few sticky-fingered attendees. In 2010, a man stole several rare comics from vendor Matt Nelson, co-founder of Texas’s Worldwide Comics. Just one of those, Whiz Comics No. 1, was worth $11,000, according to the New York Post. A few years later, in 2014, someone stole a $2000 “Dunny” action figure, which artist Jon-Paul Kaiser had painted during the event for Clutter magazine. And those are just the incidents that involved police; lower-scale cases of toys and comics disappearing from booths are an increasingly frustrating epidemic, according to some. “Comic Con theft is an issue we all sort of ignore,” collector Tracy Isenhour wrote on the blog of his company, Needless Essentials, in 2015. “I am here to tell you no more. It’s time for this garbage to stop."

3. CATWOMAN SAVES THE DAY


John Sciulli/Getty Images for Xbox

Adrianne Curry, winner of the first cycle of America’s Next Top Model, has made a career of chasing viral fame. Ironically, it was at Comic-Con in 2014 that Curry did something truly worthy of attention—though there wasn’t a camera in sight. Dressed as Catwoman, she was posing with fans alongside her friend Alicia Marie, who was dressed as Tigra. According to a Facebook post Marie wrote at the time, a fan tried to shove his hands into her bikini bottoms. She screamed, the man ran off, and Curry jumped to action. She “literally took off after dude WITH her Catwoman whip and chased him down, beat his a**,” Marie wrote. “Punched him across the face with the butt of her whip—he had zombie blood on his face—got on her costume.”

4. MAN POSES AS FUGITIVE-SEEKING INVESTIGATOR TO GET INTO VIP ROOM

The lines at Comic-Con are legendary, so one Utah man came up with a novel way to try and skip them altogether. In 2015, Jonathon M. Wall tried to get into Salt Lake Comic Con’s exclusive VIP enclave (normally a $10,000 ticket) by claiming he was an agent with the Air Force Office of Special Investigations, and needed to get into the VIP room “to catch a fugitive,” according to The San Diego Union Tribune. Not only does that story not even come close to making sense, it also adds up to impersonating a federal agent, a crime to which Wall pleaded guilty in April of 2016 and which carried a sentence of up to three years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Just a few months later, prosecutors announced that they were planning to reduce his crime from a felony to a misdemeanor.

5. MAN WALKS 645 MILES TO COMIC-CON, DRESSED AS A STORMTROOPER, TO HONOR HIS LATE WIFE


Michael Buckner/Getty Images for Disney

In 2015, Kevin Doyle walked 645 miles along the California coast to honor his late wife, Eileen. Doyle had met Eileen relatively late in life, when he was in his 50s, and they bonded over their shared love of Star Wars (he even proposed to her while dressed as Darth Vader). However, she died of cancer barely a year after they were married. Adrift and lonely, Doyle decided to honor her memory and their love of Star Wars by walking to Comic-Con—from San Francisco. “I feel like I’m so much better in the healing process than if I’d stayed home,” he told The San Diego Union Tribune.

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Marvel Entertainment
10 Facts About Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian
Marvel Entertainment
Marvel Entertainment

Nearly every sword-wielding fantasy hero from the 20th century owes a tip of their horned helmet to Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian. Set in the fictional Hyborian Age, after the destruction of Atlantis but before our general recorded history, Conan's stories have depicted him as everything from a cunning thief to a noble king and all types of scoundrel in between. But beneath that blood-soaked sword and shield is a character that struck a nerve with generations of fantasy fans, spawning adaptations in comics, video games, movies, TV shows, and cartoons in the eight decades since he first appeared in the December 1932 issue of Weird Tales. So thank Crom, because here are 10 facts about Conan the Barbarian.

1. THE FIRST OFFICIAL CONAN STORY WAS A KULL REWRITE.

Conan wasn’t the only barbarian on Robert E. Howard’s resume. In 1929, the writer created Kull the Conqueror, a more “introspective” brand of savage that gained enough interest to eventually find his way onto the big screen in 1997. The two characters share more than just a common creator and a general disdain for shirts, though: the first Conan story to get published, “The Phoenix on the Sword,” was actually a rewrite of an earlier rejected Kull tale titled “By This Axe I Rule!” For this new take on the plot, Howard introduced supernatural elements and more action. The end result was more suited to what Weird Tales wanted, and it became the foundation for future Conan tales.

2. BUT A “PROTO-CONAN” STORY PRECEDED IT.

A few months before Conan made his debut in Weird Tales, Howard wrote a story called "People of the Dark" for Strange Tales of Mystery and Terror about a man named John O’Brien who seemed to relive his past life as a brutish, black-haired warrior named … Conan of the reavers. Reave is a word from Old English meaning to raid or plunder, which is obviously in the same ballpark as barbarian. And in the story, there is also a reference to Crom, the fictional god of the Hyborian age that later became a staple of the Conan mythology. This isn't the barbarian as we know him, and it's certainly not an official Conan tale, but the early ideas were there.

3. ROBERT E. HOWARD NEVER INTENDED TO WRITE THESE STORIES IN ORDER.

Howard was meticulous in his world-building for Conan, which was highlighted by his 8600-word history on the Hyborian Age the character lived in. But the one area the creator had no interest in was linearity. Conan’s first story depicted him already as a king; subsequent stories, though, would shift back and forth, chronicling his early days as both a thief and a youthful adventurer.

There’s good reason for that, as Howard himself once explained: “In writing these yarns I've always felt less as creating them than as if I were simply chronicling his adventures as he told them to me. That's why they skip about so much, without following a regular order. The average adventurer, telling tales of a wild life at random, seldom follows any ordered plan, but narrates episodes widely separated by space and years, as they occur to him.”

4. THERE ARE NUMEROUS CONNECTIONS TO THE H.P. LOVECRAFT MYTHOS.

For fans of the pulp magazines of the early 20th century, one of the only names bigger than Robert E. Howard was H.P. Lovecraft. The two weren’t competitors, though—rather, they were close friends and correspondents. They’d often mail each other drafts of their stories, discuss the themes of their work, and generally talk shop. And as Lovecraft’s own mythology was growing, it seems like their work began to bleed together.

In “The Phoenix on the Sword,” Howard made reference to “vast shadowy outlines of the Nameless Old Ones,” which could be seen as a reference to the ancient, godlike “Old Ones” from the Lovecraft mythos. In the book The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian, editor Patrice Louinet even wrote that Howard’s earlier draft for the story name-dropped Lovecraft’s actual Old Ones, most notably Cthulhu.

In Lovecraft’s “The Shadow of Time,” he describes a character named Crom-Ya as a “Cimmerian chieftain,” which is a reference to Conan's homeland and god. These examples just scratch the surface of names, places, and concepts that the duo’s work share. Whether you want to read it all as a fun homage or an early attempt at a shared universe is up to you.

5. SEVERAL OF HOWARD’S STORIES WERE REWRITTEN AS CONAN STORIES POSTHUMOUSLY.

Howard was only 30 when he died, so there aren’t as many completed Conan stories out in the world as you’d imagine—and there are even less that were finished and officially printed. Despite that, the character’s popularity has only grown since the 1930s, and publishers looked for a way to print more of Howard’s Conan decades after his death. Over the years, writers and editors have gone back into Howard’s manuscripts for unfinished tales to doctor up and rewrite for publication, like "The Snout in the Dark," which was a fragment that was reworked by writers Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp. There were also times when Howard’s non-Conan drafts were repurposed as Conan stories by publishers, including all of the stories in 1955's Tales of Conan collection from Gnome Press.

6. FRANK FRAZETTA’S CONAN PAINTINGS REGULARLY SELL FOR SEVEN FIGURES.

Chances are, the image of Conan you have in your head right now owes a lot to artist Frank Frazetta: His version of the famous barbarian—complete with rippling muscles, pulsating veins, and copious amounts of sword swinging—would come to define the character for generations. But the look that people most associate with Conan didn’t come about until the character’s stories were reprinted decades after Robert E. Howard’s death.

“In 1966, Lancer Books published new paperbacks of Robert E. Howard's Conan series and hired my grandfather to do the cover art,” Sara Frazetta, Frazetta's granddaughter owner and operator of Frazetta Girls, tells Mental Floss. You could argue that Frazetta’s powerful covers were what drew most people to Conan during the '60s and '70s, and in recent years the collector’s market seems to validate that opinion. In 2012, the original painting for his Lancer version of Conan the Conqueror sold at auction for $1,000,000. Later, his Conan the Destroyer went for $1.5 million.

Still, despite all of Frazetta’s accomplishments, his granddaughter said there was one thing he always wanted: “His only regret was that he wished Robert E. Howard was alive so he could have seen what he did with his character.”

7. CONAN’S FIRST MARVEL COMIC WAS ALMOST CANCELED AFTER SEVEN ISSUES.

The cover to Marvel's Conan the Barbarian #21
Marvel Entertainment

Conan’s origins as a pulp magazine hero made him a natural fit for the medium’s logical evolution: the comic book. And in 1970, the character got his first high-profile comic launch when Marvel’s Conan The Barbarian hit shelves, courtesy of writer Roy Thomas and artist Barry Windsor-Smith.

Though now it’s hailed as one of the company’s highlights from the ‘70s, the book was nearly canceled after a mere seven issues. The problem is that while the debut issue sold well, each of the next six dropped in sales, leading Marvel’s then editor-in-chief, Stan Lee, to pull the book from production after the seventh issue hit stands.

Thomas pled his case, and Lee agreed to give Conan one last shot. But this time instead of the book coming out every month, it would be every two months. The plan worked, and soon sales were again on the rise and the book would stay in publication until 1993, again as a monthly. This success gave way to the Savage Sword of Conan, an oversized black-and-white spinoff magazine from Marvel that was aimed at adult audiences. It, too, was met with immense success, lasting from 1974 to 1995.

8. OLIVER STONE WROTE A FOUR-HOUR, POST-APOCALYPTIC CONAN MOVIE.

John Milius’s 1982 Conan movie is a classic of the sword and sorcery genre, but its original script from Oliver Stone didn’t resemble the final product at all. In fact, it barely resembled anything related to Conan. Stone’s Conan would have been set on a post-apocalyptic Earth, where the barbarian would do battle against a host of mutant pigs, insects, and hyenas. Not only that, but it would have also been just one part of a 12-film saga that would be modeled on the release schedule of the James Bond series.

The original producers were set to move ahead with Stone’s script with Stone co-directing alongside an up-and-coming special effects expert named Ridley Scott, but they were turned down by all of their prospects. With no co-director and a movie that would likely be too ambitious to ever actually get finished, they sold the rights to producer Dino De Laurentiis, who helped bring in Milius.

9. BARACK OBAMA IS A FAN (AND WAS TURNED INTO A BARBARIAN HIMSELF).

When President Barack Obama sent out a mass email in 2015 to the members of Organizing for Action, he was looking to get people to offer up stories about how they got involved within their community—their origin stories, if you will. In this mass email, the former Commander-in-Chief detailed his own origin, with a shout out to a certain barbarian:

“I grew up loving comic books. Back in the day, I was pretty into Conan the Barbarian and Spiderman.

Anyone who reads comics can tell you, every main character has an origin story—the fateful and usually unexpected sequence of events that made them who they are.”

This bit of trivia was first made public in 2008 in a Daily Telegraph article on 50 facts about the president. That led to Devil’s Due Publishing immortalizing the POTUS in the 2009 comic series Barack the Barbarian, which had him decked out in his signature loincloth doing battle against everyone from Sarah Palin to Dick Cheney.

10. J.R.R. TOLKIEN WAS ALSO A CONAN DEVOTEE.

The father of 20th century fantasy may always be J.R.R. Tolkien, but Howard is a close second in many fans' eyes. Though Tolkien’s work has found its way into more scholarly literary circles, Howard’s can sometimes get categorized as low-brow. Quality recognizes quality, however, and during a conversation with Tolkien, writer L. Sprague de Camp—who himself edited and touched-up numerous Conan stories—said The Lord of the Rings author admitted that he “rather liked” Howard’s Conan stories during a conversation with him. He didn’t expand upon it, nor was de Camp sure which Conan tale he actually read (though it was likely “Shadows in the Moonlight”), but the seal of approval from Tolkien himself goes a long way toward validation.

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