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10 of Shakespeare's Best Dirty Jokes

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By Kalli Damschen, Baylor University 

William Shakespeare is widely regarded as one of the greatest writers of all time, and his plays have entertained, inspired, and instructed for centuries. One thing your high school English teacher probably didn’t mention, however: Many of Shakespeare’s iconic plays feature risqué humor, with crude jokes hidden throughout his works. Here are 11 of the bard’s best dirty jokes.

1. Twelfth Night: Act 1, Scene 3

SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
and spin it off.

In this scene, Sir Toby Belch and Sir Andrew are discussing Andrew’s hair, which is apparently flat and lifeless. While Toby uses the image of a woman spinning yarn from flax, the line is a rather unfortunate double entendre. Essentially, Sir Toby is telling Andrew that he hopes a woman takes him “between her legs” and that he contracts syphilis, a disease which causes hair loss.

2. Twelfth Night: Act 2, Scene 5

MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
great P's.

Later in Twelfth Night, a character named Malvolio receives a letter that he believes is from his boss, Olivia. As Malvolio observes the penmanship, Shakespeare explains why he thinks the letter was written by Olivia and sneaks in a lewd pun. The line would be read, “her very C’s, her U’s, ‘n’ her T’s,” and an Elizabethan audience would quickly realize what he was spelling. He adds an extra punch line with “and thus she makes her great P’s.” Shakespeare: A literary master of both dramatic characterization and toilet humor.

3. Hamlet: Act 2, Scene 2

HAMLET
Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favors?
GUILDENSTERN
Faith, her privates we.
HAMLET
In the secret parts of Fortune?

When Hamlet asks Guildenstern and Rosencrantz how they’re doing, they say they’re indifferent. They’re neither at the top of Fate, nor the “soles of her shoes.” Hamlet then jokingly asks if they live about Fate’s waist, “in the middle of her favors.” Guildenstern agrees that they’re around “her privates,” in the (ahem) “secret parts” of Fate.
Shakespeare certainly knows how to spice up the small talk.

4. Hamlet: Act 3, Scene 2

HAMLET
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head upon your lap?
OPHELIA
Ay, my lord.
HAMLET
Do you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That’s a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.

By this scene, Hamlet’s going cuckoo for cocoa puffs after his murdered father’s ghost appears, and he apparently decides to deal with it by harassing his would-be girlfriend. His words become especially obscene when one knows that “nothing” was Elizabethan slang for a woman’s lady bits. Shakespeare also sneaks in a pun with the word “country”—just drop off the last syllable, and you’ll see what he was going for.

5. A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Act 5, Scene 1

PYRAMUS
O kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!
THISBE
I kiss the wall's hole, not your lips at all.

This scene features a play within the play, and characters are acting as lovers Pyramus and Thisbe. Perhaps more importantly, another person is filling the role of the wall. Kissing “the wall’s” hole … well, that is something Thisbe most certainly does not want to do.

6. The Taming of the Shrew: Act 2, Scene 1

PETRUCHIO
Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.
KATHARINA
In his tongue.
PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?
KATHARINA
Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO
What, with my tongue in your tail?

C’mon. This one isn’t even subtle.

7. Othello: Act 1, Scene 1

IAGO
I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.

Iago is informing another character, Brabantio, that his daughter has married Othello, a Moor. Iago is far from pleased with this turn of events, and so uses this unusually colorful and eccentric image to tell Brabantio. As a result of this scene, “the beast with two backs” came to be a fairly common euphemism for sex.

8. Titus Andronicus: Act 4, Scene 2

CHIRON
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON
Villain, I have done thy mother.

Chiron confronts Aaron, his mother’s lover, whom he believes is responsible for ruining his mother. Aaron’s witty response is perhaps the earliest “your mom” joke in history.

9. Henry V: Act 2, Scene 1

PISTOL
Pistol’s cock is up,
And flashing fire will follow.

The word “cock” may not have developed its current slang meaning until a decade or two after Henry V was written, so this might not have been an intentional pun. Either way, it was too good to exclude. With the possible double meaning and such vivid imagery, Shakespeare himself would have approved of this joke, unintentional or not.

10. Much Ado About Nothing: Act 5, Scene 2

BENEDICK
I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be
buried in thy eyes.

In Elizabethan slang, “to die” was a euphemism for sexual climax, so Benedick telling his lover, Beatrice, that he will “die” in her lap has less-than-chaste implications. It should also be noted that the title of the play itself is a dirty pun; remember, “nothing” was an Elizabethan euphemism for a woman’s lady parts. Oh, Shakespeare, you naughty thing.

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technology
Man Buys Two Metric Tons of LEGO Bricks; Sorts Them Via Machine Learning
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Jacques Mattheij made a small, but awesome, mistake. He went on eBay one evening and bid on a bunch of bulk LEGO brick auctions, then went to sleep. Upon waking, he discovered that he was the high bidder on many, and was now the proud owner of two tons of LEGO bricks. (This is about 4400 pounds.) He wrote, "[L]esson 1: if you win almost all bids you are bidding too high."

Mattheij had noticed that bulk, unsorted bricks sell for something like €10/kilogram, whereas sets are roughly €40/kg and rare parts go for up to €100/kg. Much of the value of the bricks is in their sorting. If he could reduce the entropy of these bins of unsorted bricks, he could make a tidy profit. While many people do this work by hand, the problem is enormous—just the kind of challenge for a computer. Mattheij writes:

There are 38000+ shapes and there are 100+ possible shades of color (you can roughly tell how old someone is by asking them what lego colors they remember from their youth).

In the following months, Mattheij built a proof-of-concept sorting system using, of course, LEGO. He broke the problem down into a series of sub-problems (including "feeding LEGO reliably from a hopper is surprisingly hard," one of those facts of nature that will stymie even the best system design). After tinkering with the prototype at length, he expanded the system to a surprisingly complex system of conveyer belts (powered by a home treadmill), various pieces of cabinetry, and "copious quantities of crazy glue."

Here's a video showing the current system running at low speed:

The key part of the system was running the bricks past a camera paired with a computer running a neural net-based image classifier. That allows the computer (when sufficiently trained on brick images) to recognize bricks and thus categorize them by color, shape, or other parameters. Remember that as bricks pass by, they can be in any orientation, can be dirty, can even be stuck to other pieces. So having a flexible software system is key to recognizing—in a fraction of a second—what a given brick is, in order to sort it out. When a match is found, a jet of compressed air pops the piece off the conveyer belt and into a waiting bin.

After much experimentation, Mattheij rewrote the software (several times in fact) to accomplish a variety of basic tasks. At its core, the system takes images from a webcam and feeds them to a neural network to do the classification. Of course, the neural net needs to be "trained" by showing it lots of images, and telling it what those images represent. Mattheij's breakthrough was allowing the machine to effectively train itself, with guidance: Running pieces through allows the system to take its own photos, make a guess, and build on that guess. As long as Mattheij corrects the incorrect guesses, he ends up with a decent (and self-reinforcing) corpus of training data. As the machine continues running, it can rack up more training, allowing it to recognize a broad variety of pieces on the fly.

Here's another video, focusing on how the pieces move on conveyer belts (running at slow speed so puny humans can follow). You can also see the air jets in action:

In an email interview, Mattheij told Mental Floss that the system currently sorts LEGO bricks into more than 50 categories. It can also be run in a color-sorting mode to bin the parts across 12 color groups. (Thus at present you'd likely do a two-pass sort on the bricks: once for shape, then a separate pass for color.) He continues to refine the system, with a focus on making its recognition abilities faster. At some point down the line, he plans to make the software portion open source. You're on your own as far as building conveyer belts, bins, and so forth.

Check out Mattheij's writeup in two parts for more information. It starts with an overview of the story, followed up with a deep dive on the software. He's also tweeting about the project (among other things). And if you look around a bit, you'll find bulk LEGO brick auctions online—it's definitely a thing!

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Health
One Bite From This Tick Can Make You Allergic to Meat
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We like to believe that there’s no such thing as a bad organism, that every creature must have its place in the world. But ticks are really making that difficult. As if Lyme disease wasn't bad enough, scientists say some ticks carry a pathogen that causes a sudden and dangerous allergy to meat. Yes, meat.

The Lone Star tick (Amblyomma americanum) mostly looks like your average tick, with a tiny head and a big fat behind, except the adult female has a Texas-shaped spot on its back—thus the name.

Unlike other American ticks, the Lone Star feeds on humans at every stage of its life cycle. Even the larvae want our blood. You can’t get Lyme disease from the Lone Star tick, but you can get something even more mysterious: the inability to safely consume a bacon cheeseburger.

"The weird thing about [this reaction] is it can occur within three to 10 or 12 hours, so patients have no idea what prompted their allergic reactions," allergist Ronald Saff, of the Florida State University College of Medicine, told Business Insider.

What prompted them was STARI, or southern tick-associated rash illness. People with STARI may develop a circular rash like the one commonly seen in Lyme disease. They may feel achy, fatigued, and fevered. And their next meal could make them very, very sick.

Saff now sees at least one patient per week with STARI and a sensitivity to galactose-alpha-1, 3-galactose—more commonly known as alpha-gal—a sugar molecule found in mammal tissue like pork, beef, and lamb. Several hours after eating, patients’ immune systems overreact to alpha-gal, with symptoms ranging from an itchy rash to throat swelling.

Even worse, the more times a person is bitten, the more likely it becomes that they will develop this dangerous allergy.

The tick’s range currently covers the southern, eastern, and south-central U.S., but even that is changing. "We expect with warming temperatures, the tick is going to slowly make its way northward and westward and cause more problems than they're already causing," Saff said. We've already seen that occur with the deer ticks that cause Lyme disease, and 2017 is projected to be an especially bad year.

There’s so much we don’t understand about alpha-gal sensitivity. Scientists don’t know why it happens, how to treat it, or if it's permanent. All they can do is advise us to be vigilant and follow basic tick-avoidance practices.

[h/t Business Insider]

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