Dolls aren’t just for playing house, you know. Mired as they are, deep in The Uncanny Valley between human and object, a doll can serve people in ways no other thing can. Below, we offer some horrifying ways your creepy doll can help you cope with the pitfalls of life.
1. Offering Childbirth Instruction
Midwife Mannequins were used in ancient Japan to aid with childbirth. Now they can also be used to fuel your nightmares.
2. Litmus Testing for Terror
The middle one is isn’t creepy enough—the big one is too creepy. Ah…the little one. My nightmares are going to be perfect!
3. As a Date That Can’t Ignore Your Calls
It’s all cuteness and light until little Johnny grows up and can only form a meaningful relationship with a Japanese body pillow.
4. Helping You Spoil Everything Good and Pure About Walnut Grove
Oh Nellie Oleson…you horrid girl. You have so much! Just leave poor Laura Ingalls alone.
5. A Drinking Buddy.
For a while, anyway. Dolly can’t handle her gin.
6. Tiny Henchmen
“If you were to ask me about how I’m amassing a silent army of damned souls to do my bidding, I would have no idea what you were talking about.”
7. For Mocking Your Baby
“You think this is cute? You think I’m OK with this? I AM NOT A THING, Mother.”
8. A Cathartic Representation of the Suffocating Mores of Polite Society
Dolly understands how sick you are of smiling and signing office birthday cards for people you don’t know.
9. To Give Advice (not always good).
“Oh no Mr. Winkles, we mustn’t. Who would clean up the mess?”
10. To Learn About How Suffering Can Be Fun!
“Marybel, the Doll That Gets Well.” Because what little girl doesn’t want their dolly to have a shattered femur and be covered in sores?
11. For Messing With Mom’s Head
“What doll? No one else sees a doll. You must be crazy.”
12. For Classic Black Magic
With each passing year, the meanest girl in the grade went missing, and Judy’s doll collection grew.
13. To Allow You to Express Love in Ways That Might Otherwise be Inappropriate
Sometimes you love something so much you just have to smash it.
14. Learning to cope with the ever-present Ginger.
Not even ginger dolls have souls. That’s why they must eat yours.
15. To Make Any Ensemble a Little More Awful
Until she got her dolly, Dorothy had serious concerns that her she wasn’t actualizing her potential as devil-spawn.
16. As an Accomplice in Unspeakable Things, Because They Never Tattle