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16 Practical Uses for Really Creepy Dolls

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Dolls aren’t just for playing house, you know. Mired as they are, deep in The Uncanny Valley between human and object, a doll can serve people in ways no other thing can. Below, we offer some horrifying ways your creepy doll can help you cope with the pitfalls of life.

1. Offering Childbirth Instruction

Midwife Mannequins were used in ancient Japan to aid with childbirth. Now they can also be used to fuel your nightmares.

2. Litmus Testing for Terror

The middle one is isn’t creepy enough—the big one is too creepy. Ah…the little one. My nightmares are going to be perfect!

3. As a Date That Can’t Ignore Your Calls

It’s all cuteness and light until little Johnny grows up and can only form a meaningful relationship with a Japanese body pillow.

4. Helping You Spoil Everything Good and Pure About Walnut Grove

Oh Nellie Oleson…you horrid girl. You have so much! Just leave poor Laura Ingalls alone.

5. A Drinking Buddy.

For a while, anyway. Dolly can’t handle her gin.

6. Tiny Henchmen

“If you were to ask me about how I’m amassing a silent army of damned souls to do my bidding, I would have no idea what you were talking about.”

7. For Mocking Your Baby

“You think this is cute? You think I’m OK with this? I AM NOT A THING, Mother.”

8. A Cathartic Representation of the Suffocating Mores of Polite Society

Dolly understands how sick you are of smiling and signing office birthday cards for people you don’t know.

9. To Give Advice (not always good).

“Oh no Mr. Winkles, we mustn’t. Who would clean up the mess?”

10. To Learn About How Suffering Can Be Fun!

“Marybel, the Doll That Gets Well.” Because what little girl doesn’t want their dolly to have a shattered femur and be covered in sores?

11. For Messing With Mom’s Head

“What doll? No one else sees a doll. You must be crazy.”

12. For Classic Black Magic

With each passing year, the meanest girl in the grade went missing, and Judy’s doll collection grew.

13. To Allow You to Express Love in Ways That Might Otherwise be Inappropriate

Sometimes you love something so much you just have to smash it.

14. Learning to cope with the ever-present Ginger.

Not even ginger dolls have souls. That’s why they must eat yours.

15. To Make Any Ensemble a Little More Awful

Until she got her dolly, Dorothy had serious concerns that her she wasn’t actualizing her potential as devil-spawn.

16. As an Accomplice in Unspeakable Things, Because They Never Tattle


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iStock // Ekaterina Minaeva
Man Buys Two Metric Tons of LEGO Bricks; Sorts Them Via Machine Learning
May 21, 2017
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iStock // Ekaterina Minaeva

Jacques Mattheij made a small, but awesome, mistake. He went on eBay one evening and bid on a bunch of bulk LEGO brick auctions, then went to sleep. Upon waking, he discovered that he was the high bidder on many, and was now the proud owner of two tons of LEGO bricks. (This is about 4400 pounds.) He wrote, "[L]esson 1: if you win almost all bids you are bidding too high."

Mattheij had noticed that bulk, unsorted bricks sell for something like €10/kilogram, whereas sets are roughly €40/kg and rare parts go for up to €100/kg. Much of the value of the bricks is in their sorting. If he could reduce the entropy of these bins of unsorted bricks, he could make a tidy profit. While many people do this work by hand, the problem is enormous—just the kind of challenge for a computer. Mattheij writes:

There are 38000+ shapes and there are 100+ possible shades of color (you can roughly tell how old someone is by asking them what lego colors they remember from their youth).

In the following months, Mattheij built a proof-of-concept sorting system using, of course, LEGO. He broke the problem down into a series of sub-problems (including "feeding LEGO reliably from a hopper is surprisingly hard," one of those facts of nature that will stymie even the best system design). After tinkering with the prototype at length, he expanded the system to a surprisingly complex system of conveyer belts (powered by a home treadmill), various pieces of cabinetry, and "copious quantities of crazy glue."

Here's a video showing the current system running at low speed:

The key part of the system was running the bricks past a camera paired with a computer running a neural net-based image classifier. That allows the computer (when sufficiently trained on brick images) to recognize bricks and thus categorize them by color, shape, or other parameters. Remember that as bricks pass by, they can be in any orientation, can be dirty, can even be stuck to other pieces. So having a flexible software system is key to recognizing—in a fraction of a second—what a given brick is, in order to sort it out. When a match is found, a jet of compressed air pops the piece off the conveyer belt and into a waiting bin.

After much experimentation, Mattheij rewrote the software (several times in fact) to accomplish a variety of basic tasks. At its core, the system takes images from a webcam and feeds them to a neural network to do the classification. Of course, the neural net needs to be "trained" by showing it lots of images, and telling it what those images represent. Mattheij's breakthrough was allowing the machine to effectively train itself, with guidance: Running pieces through allows the system to take its own photos, make a guess, and build on that guess. As long as Mattheij corrects the incorrect guesses, he ends up with a decent (and self-reinforcing) corpus of training data. As the machine continues running, it can rack up more training, allowing it to recognize a broad variety of pieces on the fly.

Here's another video, focusing on how the pieces move on conveyer belts (running at slow speed so puny humans can follow). You can also see the air jets in action:

In an email interview, Mattheij told Mental Floss that the system currently sorts LEGO bricks into more than 50 categories. It can also be run in a color-sorting mode to bin the parts across 12 color groups. (Thus at present you'd likely do a two-pass sort on the bricks: once for shape, then a separate pass for color.) He continues to refine the system, with a focus on making its recognition abilities faster. At some point down the line, he plans to make the software portion open source. You're on your own as far as building conveyer belts, bins, and so forth.

Check out Mattheij's writeup in two parts for more information. It starts with an overview of the story, followed up with a deep dive on the software. He's also tweeting about the project (among other things). And if you look around a bit, you'll find bulk LEGO brick auctions online—it's definitely a thing!

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Opening Ceremony
These $425 Jeans Can Turn Into Jorts
May 19, 2017
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Opening Ceremony

Modular clothing used to consist of something simple, like a reversible jacket. Today, it’s a $425 pair of detachable jeans.

Apparel retailer Opening Ceremony recently debuted a pair of “2 in 1 Y/Project” trousers that look fairly peculiar. The legs are held to the crotch by a pair of loops, creating a disjointed C-3PO effect. Undo the loops and you can now remove the legs entirely, leaving a pair of jean shorts in their wake. The result goes from this:


Opening Ceremony

To this:


Opening Ceremony

The company also offers a slightly different cut with button tabs in black for $460. If these aren’t audacious enough for you, the Y/Project line includes jumpsuits with removable legs and garter-equipped jeans.

[h/t Mashable]