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A Brief History of 8 Epic Breakups

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Getty Images/Erin McCarthy

Breaking the traditional romantic comedy mold, Jo Piazza's hilarious debut novel Love Rehab: A Novel in Twelve Steps starts with the breakup. And like many a Kelly Clarkson song, this summer read is inspired by all the crazy things we do in the name of love, and its conclusion. Inspired by her book, Jo assembled this list of real-life break-ups so heartbreaking, they went down in history.

1. When Theseus abandoned Ariadne

Back in the ancient days of yore, Ariadne’s father, the Cretan King Minos, put her in charge of his most prized possession—his labyrinth. Ariadne developed a crush on the Athenian hero Theseus and gave him a thread in order to help him find his way out of the deathly maze to defeat the beastly Minotaur.

Theseus was grateful, but not grateful enough. He later abandoned Ariadne while she slept on the island of Naxos. Talk about leaving a girl out in the cold. 

2. When Julius Caesar broke up with Cossutia

Back when Julius Caesar was still an up-and-coming military man, he was engaged to a modest young lass named Cossutia. Historical accounts disagree as to whether the pair actually made it official and tied the knot, but what is known is that Caesar ended the relationship to forge a union better suited to his upwardly mobile agenda and ultimately married the politically well-connected Cornelia Cinnilla, who helped him launch his career as a Roman ruler.

3. When Henry VIII beheaded Anne Boleyn

The ever-fickle King Henry VIII found it difficult to ditch his wife of three years, Anne Boleyn, when she was unable to bear him a son. He had already become infatuated with Anne’s second cousin Jane Seymour. Instead of changing church law to rid himself of his unwanted wife, Hank trumped up treason charges and had Anne beheaded. You could say that is moderately worse than being dumped by Post-it.

4. When Abraham Lincoln un-proposed to Mary Owens

Long before he became president and before he met the spunky Mary Todd, young lawyer Abraham Lincoln found himself in a prickly position with a Kentucky woman named Mary Owens. Mary’s sister Elizabeth had been trying to hook up the pair, despite the fact that they had never met. Lincoln, ever the jokester, told the meddling sibling that he would marry Mary if she moved to Illinois.

He sent a series of letters to Mary to convince her that she wanted nothing to do with him or Illinois-living: “You have not been accustomed to hardship, and it may be more severe than you now imagine,” he wrote.

It might have been easier to avoid proposing (even in jest) in the first place.

5. When Wallis Simpson dumped Ernest Aldrich Simpson

The shipping tycoon Simpson left his first wife to marry the socialite Wallis Spencer. The businessman shouldn’t have been surprised, then, when Wallis stepped out herself and began an affair with Edward the Prince of Wales. Wallis eventually left her husband for Edward, forcing him to choose between the crown and his lady. He famously abdicated his throne on her behalf and the pair spent the rest of their lives being very rich together at fabulous parties around the globe.

6. When Matt Damon left Minnie Driver

Damon and Driver, co-stars in the star-making “Good Will Hunting,” had been seeing each other for seven months when Boston-bred Damon took to Oprah’s couch to tell her national audience that he was single. The news came as a complete surprise to Driver, who became the media’s poster girl for bad breakups—until Jennifer Aniston stole her thunder.

7. When Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston

The most lucrative celebrity split in the history of celebrity splits is none other than the failed union of America’s sweetheart and the sexiest man alive, Brad Pitt.

The perfect tabloid storm kicked off in 2005 when Pitt ditched Aniston for the sultry Angelina Jolie. The daughter of actor Jon Voight and model Marcheline Bertrand, Jolie was the anti-Aniston. She had attended her first wedding, to British actor Jonny Lee Miller, in black rubber boots and a white t-shirt decorated with the groom’s name written in her blood, while thousands of women across the U.S. were asking their hairdressers to give them layers like their favorite Friend’s.

Jolie and Pitt met while filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and rumors of their on-set affair proved true when Aniston filed for divorce from Pitt in March of 2005. One month later, Peter Grossman, photo editor of US Weekly magazine, paid $500,000 for paparazzi pictures of Pitt and Jolie frolicking on a beach in Kenya with Jolie's young son Maddox. In January 2006, Jolie announced that she was pregnant with Pitt’s child. The paychecks for pictures would only get bigger.

8. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren

Little did former nanny turned mom of two Elin Nordegren know, when she attacked her golfer husband Tiger Woods with a golf club, that it would become the marital spat heard round the world.  It was soon revealed that Woods had cheated on the beautiful Swede with at least ten mistresses. Maybe she should have used the 9-iron.

Jo Piazza is the author of Love Rehab: A Novel in 12 Steps. You can get the book here.

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Art
Get Crazy With the Official Bob Ross Coloring Book
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If you watched Bob Ross's classic series The Joy of Painting for hours on end but didn’t come away a terribly capable artist, you can still enjoy replicating the amazing public television personality’s work. You can now pretend you’re painting along with the late, great PBS star using a brand-new adult coloring book based on his art.

The Bob Ross Coloring Book (Universe) is the first authorized coloring book based on Ross’s artistic archive. Ross, who would have turned 75 later this year, was all about giving his fans the confidence to pursue art even without extensive training. “There’s an artist hidden at the bottom of every single one of us,” the gentle genius said. So what better way to honor his memory than to relax with his coloring book?

Here’s a sneak peek of some of the Ross landscapes you can recreate, all while flipping through some of his best quotes and timeless tidbits of wisdom.

An black-and-white outline of a Bob ross painting of a mountain valley

A black-and-white outline of a Bob Ross painting shows a house nestled among trees.

A black-and-white outline of a Bob Ross painting shows a farm scene.

And remember, even if you color outside the lines, it’s still a work of art. As Ross said, “We don’t make mistakes. We just have happy accidents.”

You can find The Bob Ross Coloring Book for about $14 on Amazon. Oh, and if you need even more Ross in your life, there’s now a Bob Ross wall calendar, too.

All images courtesy of Rizzoli.

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entertainment
8 Movies That Almost Starred Keanu Reeves
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He may not have the natural ease of Al Pacino, the classical training of Anthony Hopkins, the timeless cool of Jack Nicholson, or the raw versatility of Gary Oldman, but Keanu Reeves has been around long enough to have worked alongside each of those actors. Yet instead of Oscar nods, the actor whose first name means “cool breeze over the mountains” in Hawaiian has a handful of Razzie nominations.

While critical acclaim has mostly eluded Reeves during his 30-plus years in Hollywood, his movies have made nearly $2 billion at the box office. Whether because of his own choosiness or the decisions of studio powers-that-be, that tally could be much, much higher. To celebrate The Chosen One’s 53rd birthday, here are eight movies that almost starred Keanu Reeves.

1. X-MEN (2000)

In Hollywood’s version of the X-Men universe, Hugh Jackman is the definitive Wolverine. But Jackman himself was a last-minute replacement (for Dougray Scott) and other, bigger (in 2000) names were considered for the hirsute superhero—including Reeves. Ultimately, it was the studio that decided to go in a different direction, much to Reeves’ disappointment. “I always wanted to play Wolverine,” the actor told Moviefone in 2014. “But I didn't get that. And they have a great Wolverine now. I always wanted to play The Dark Knight. But I didn't get that one. They've had some great Batmans. So now I'm just enjoying them as an audience.”

2. PLATOON (1986)

For an action star, Reeves isn’t a huge fan of violence, which is why he passed on playing the lead in Oliver Stone’s Oscar-winning Vietnam classic. “Keanu turned it down because of the violence,” Stone told Entertainment Weekly in 2011. “He didn’t want to do violence.”

3. THE FLY II (1989)

Few people would likely mistake Reeves for the son of Jeff Goldblum, but producers were anxious to see him play the next generation of Goldblum’s insectile role in the sequel to The Fly. But Reeves wasn’t having any of it. Why? Simple: “I didn't like the script,” he told Movieline in 1990.

4. SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL (1997)

Speaking of sequels (and bad scripts): Reeves was ready to reprise his role as Jack Traven in Jan de Bont’s second go at the series … then he read it. “When I was offered Speed 2, Jan came to Chicago and so did Sandra, and they said, ‘You’ve got to do this,’” Reeves recalled to The Telegraph. “And I said, 'I read the script and I can’t. It’s called Speed, and it’s on a cruise ship.” (He's got a point.)

Even when the studio dangled a $12 million paycheck in front of him, Reeves said no. “I told [William Mechanic, then-head of Fox], ‘If I do this film, I will not come back up. You guys will send me to the bottom of the ocean and I will not make it back up again.’ I really felt like I was fighting for my life.”

5. HEAT (1995)

Reeves’ refusal to cave on Speed 2 didn’t sit well in Hollywood circles. And it didn't help that he also passed on playing Chris Shiherlis (Val Kilmer’s role) in Michael Mann’s Heat in order to spend a month playing Hamlet at Canada’s Manitoba Theatre Centre. From that point on, Reeves told The Telegraph that it’s been a struggle for him to book any studio movies. “That’s a good old Hollywood story! That was a whole, 'Hey, kid, this is what happens in Hollywood: I said no to the number two and I never worked with the studio again!’”

6. BOWFINGER (1999)

By the time Frank Oz’s Bowfinger rolled around, Eddie Murphy was pretty much the go-to guy for any dual role part, but the movie wasn’t always intended to play that way. Steve Martin, who both starred in and wrote the movie, had actually penned the part of Kit Ramsey for Reeves (whom he had worked with a decade earlier in Parenthood).

“When Steve gave me the script for Bowfinger, it wasn't written for Eddie Murphy,” producer Brian Grazer explained. “It was written for a white action star. It was written for Keanu Reeves, literally. I said, 'Why does it have to be an action star?' He said, 'That's the joke.' I said: 'What if it were Eddie Murphy, and Eddie Murphy played two characters? That could be really funny.' He said: 'You know, that'd be great—that'd be brilliant. Let's do that.' He processed it in about a minute, and he made a creative sea change.”

7. WATCHMEN (2009)

A year before Zack Snyder’s Watchmen hit theaters, Reeves confirmed to MTV what many had speculated: that he had turned down the chance to play Dr. Manhattan in the highly anticipated adaptation. But it wasn’t because of lack of interest on Reeves’ part; it just “didn't work out.” Still, he made it as far as a set visit: “They were shooting in Vancouver while we were filming so I went over to the set to say, 'hi.' They showed me some stuff and it looks amazing! I can’t wait. It’s going to be so killer, man!”

8. TROPIC THUNDER (2008)

By the time Ben Stiller’s Tropic Thunder made its way into theaters in the summer of 2008, the meta-comedy had been more than a decade in the making. So it’s understandable that the final product veered from Stiller’s original plan for the film, which included Reeves playing the role of Tugg Speedman (Stiller’s eventual part). Initially, Stiller had planned to cast himself as smarmy agent Rick Peck (Matthew McConaughey picked up the slack).

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