Breaking the traditional romantic comedy mold, Jo Piazza's hilarious debut novel Love Rehab: A Novel in Twelve Steps starts with the breakup. And like many a Kelly Clarkson song, this summer read is inspired by all the crazy things we do in the name of love, and its conclusion. Inspired by her book, Jo assembled this list of real-life break-ups so heartbreaking, they went down in history.
1. When Theseus abandoned Ariadne
Back in the ancient days of yore, Ariadne’s father, the Cretan King Minos, put her in charge of his most prized possession—his labyrinth. Ariadne developed a crush on the Athenian hero Theseus and gave him a thread in order to help him find his way out of the deathly maze to defeat the beastly Minotaur.
Theseus was grateful, but not grateful enough. He later abandoned Ariadne while she slept on the island of Naxos. Talk about leaving a girl out in the cold.
2. When Julius Caesar broke up with Cossutia
Back when Julius Caesar was still an up-and-coming military man, he was engaged to a modest young lass named Cossutia. Historical accounts disagree as to whether the pair actually made it official and tied the knot, but what is known is that Caesar ended the relationship to forge a union better suited to his upwardly mobile agenda and ultimately married the politically well-connected Cornelia Cinnilla, who helped him launch his career as a Roman ruler.
3. When Henry VIII beheaded Anne Boleyn
The ever-fickle King Henry VIII found it difficult to ditch his wife of three years, Anne Boleyn, when she was unable to bear him a son. He had already become infatuated with Anne’s second cousin Jane Seymour. Instead of changing church law to rid himself of his unwanted wife, Hank trumped up treason charges and had Anne beheaded. You could say that is moderately worse than being dumped by Post-it.
4. When Abraham Lincoln un-proposed to Mary Owens
Long before he became president and before he met the spunky Mary Todd, young lawyer Abraham Lincoln found himself in a prickly position with a Kentucky woman named Mary Owens. Mary’s sister Elizabeth had been trying to hook up the pair, despite the fact that they had never met. Lincoln, ever the jokester, told the meddling sibling that he would marry Mary if she moved to Illinois.
He sent a series of letters to Mary to convince her that she wanted nothing to do with him or Illinois-living: “You have not been accustomed to hardship, and it may be more severe than you now imagine,” he wrote.
It might have been easier to avoid proposing (even in jest) in the first place.
5. When Wallis Simpson dumped Ernest Aldrich Simpson
The shipping tycoon Simpson left his first wife to marry the socialite Wallis Spencer. The businessman shouldn’t have been surprised, then, when Wallis stepped out herself and began an affair with Edward the Prince of Wales. Wallis eventually left her husband for Edward, forcing him to choose between the crown and his lady. He famously abdicated his throne on her behalf and the pair spent the rest of their lives being very rich together at fabulous parties around the globe.
6. When Matt Damon left Minnie Driver
Damon and Driver, co-stars in the star-making “Good Will Hunting,” had been seeing each other for seven months when Boston-bred Damon took to Oprah’s couch to tell her national audience that he was single. The news came as a complete surprise to Driver, who became the media’s poster girl for bad breakups—until Jennifer Aniston stole her thunder.
7. When Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston
The most lucrative celebrity split in the history of celebrity splits is none other than the failed union of America’s sweetheart and the sexiest man alive, Brad Pitt.
The perfect tabloid storm kicked off in 2005 when Pitt ditched Aniston for the sultry Angelina Jolie. The daughter of actor Jon Voight and model Marcheline Bertrand, Jolie was the anti-Aniston. She had attended her first wedding, to British actor Jonny Lee Miller, in black rubber boots and a white t-shirt decorated with the groom’s name written in her blood, while thousands of women across the U.S. were asking their hairdressers to give them layers like their favorite Friend’s.
Jolie and Pitt met while filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and rumors of their on-set affair proved true when Aniston filed for divorce from Pitt in March of 2005. One month later, Peter Grossman, photo editor of US Weekly magazine, paid $500,000 for paparazzi pictures of Pitt and Jolie frolicking on a beach in Kenya with Jolie's young son Maddox. In January 2006, Jolie announced that she was pregnant with Pitt’s child. The paychecks for pictures would only get bigger.
After weeks of mailing out this year’s holiday cards, postage might be the last thing you want to think about. But the U.S. Postal Service has just given us a sneak peek at the many iconic people, places, and things that will be commemorated with their own stamps in 2018, and one in particular has us excited to send out a few birthday cards: Mister Rogers.
In celebration of the 50th anniversary of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Fred Rogers’s groundbreaking PBS series that the USPS says “inspired and educated young viewers with warmth, sensitivity, and honesty,” the mail service shared a mockup of what the final stamp may look like. On it, Rogers—decked out in one of his trademark colorful cardigans (all of which were hand-knitted by his mom, by the way)—smiles for the camera alongside King Friday XIII, ruler of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
Though no official release date for Fred’s forever stamp has been given, Mister Rogers is just one of many legendary figures whose visages will grace a piece of postage in 2018. Singer/activist Lena Horne will be the 41st figure to appear as part of the USPS’s Black Heritage series, while former Beatle John Lennon will be the face of the newest Music Icons collection. Sally Ride, the first American woman in space, will also be honored.
Grant Lamos IV/Getty Images for the 2015 Tribeca Film Festival
With his meme-worthy eyes, tireless work schedule, and penchant for playing lovable losers, Steve Buscemi is arguably the king of character actors. Moving seamlessly between big-budget films and shoestring independent projects, he’s appeared in well over 100 movies in the past 30 years. But if you think he’s anything like the oddballs and villains he regularly plays—well, you don’t know Buscemi. In celebration of the Brooklyn native's 60th birthday, here are 15 things you might not have known about the Golden Globe-winning actor.
1. HE WAS BORN ON A FRIDAY THE 13TH.
It only seems appropriate that Buscemi, who dies on screen so frequently, would be born on such a foreboding date. Growing up in Brooklyn and Valley Stream, New York, Buscemi also experienced plenty of real-life misfortune. As a kid, he was hit by a bus and by a car (in separate incidents). On the plus side, he used the money from the legal settlement following the bus accident to attend the Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute in New York City.
2. HE WAS A NEW YORK CITY FIREFIGHTER.
As a teenager, Buscemi worked a series of odd jobs: ice cream truck driver, mover, gas station attendant. He even sold newspapers in the toll lane of the Triborough Bridge. When Buscemi turned 18, his father, a sanitation worker, encouraged his son to take the civil service exam and become a New York City firefighter. Four years later, in 1980, the future star became a member of Engine Co. 55, located in New York City's Little Italy district. While he answered emergency calls during the day, at night Buscemi played improv clubs and auditioned for acting roles.
After four years working for the FDNY, Buscemi landed one of the lead roles in Bill Sherwood’s Parting Glances (1986), a drama set during the early days of AIDS in New York. Buscemi took a three-month leave of absence during filming, and afterwards decided not to return.
3. HE FORMED A COMEDY DUO WITH SONS OF ANARCHY’S MARK BOONE, JR.
For a brief while, Buscemi tried his hand at stand-up comedy (he bombed). In 1984, he met fellow aspiring actor Mark Boone, Jr., and the two began performing together. Part improv, part scripted comedy, the two would often carry out power struggles that pitted thin-man Buscemi against the larger Boone. The New York Timescalled their act “theater in the absurdist vein.”
4. HE DID NOT AUDITION FOR THE ROLE OF GEORGE COSTANZA.
Like any hard-working actor, Buscemi has had his share of failed auditions. His tryout for Alan Parker’s Fame lasted less than 30 seconds. In the late ‘80s, Martin Scorsese brought him in four different times to read for The Last Temptation of Christ. (Buscemi ended up reading every apostle’s part before being turned away.) He also auditioned for the part of Seinfeld’s George Costanza—at least according to numerous sources, including Jason Alexander himself. But it turns out this tidbit—fueled, no doubt, by the thought of a very twitchy, bug-eyed Costanza—isn’t true. On a recent episode of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Buscemi addressed the rumor in his typical good-natured way: “I never did [the audition] and I don’t know how to correct it because I don’t know how the Internet works.”
5. TREES LOUNGE WAS BASICALLY HIS LIFE AT 19.
After gaining momentum with roles in Mystery Train, Reservoir Dogs, Barton Fink, and other films, Buscemi took a turn behind the camera with 1996’s Trees Lounge. The movie, which he also wrote, follows a bumbling layabout named Tommy who spends most of his time at the title bar in the town where he grew up. It’s a classic flick for Buscemi fans and, according to the actor, it was pretty much his life as a teenager living on Long Island. “I was truly directionless, living with my parents,” Buscemi said in an interview. “I was driving an ice-cream truck and working at a gas station… The drinking age was 18 then, so I spent every night hanging out with my friends in bars, drinking.”
6. HE IS FULLY AWARE THAT HIS CHARACTERS OFTEN DIE.
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc.
He’s been shot numerous times, stabbed with an ice pick, riddled with throwing knives, tossed off a balcony, and fed to a wood chipper. Yes, Buscemi’s characters have died a variety of deaths, and the actor isn’t without a sense of humor about the whole matter. He’ll often joke in interviews that he’s living longer and longer as the years go by. Before the 2005 release of The Island, in which the aforementioned balcony-tossing occurs (and into a glass bar no less), Buscemi said he was happy his character lived almost a third of the way through the movie. Buscemi admitted that he will actually read ahead in any script he receives to see when and how he dies.
7. HE HAS A FAVORITE DEATH—AND IT ISN’T FARGO.
For connoisseurs of Buscemi's movie deaths, the demise of Fargo’s Carl Showalter by way of axe then wood chipper is the crème de la crème. But when asked about his own favorite onscreen death, Buscemi references another Coen brothers film: The Big Lebowski. In that movie his character, Donny Kerabatsos, succumbs to a heart attack. It’s a surprise for viewers, and so out-of-the-blue that Buscemi can’t help but be tickled at the randomness of it. “They thought, ‘Well, Buscemi’s in it, so we’ve gotta kill him,'" the actor said in an appearance on The Daily Show.
8. HIS CHARACTER IN CON AIR WAS WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY FOR HIM.
In Con Air, the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced action movie filled with muscled-up prisoners, Buscemi played the most dangerous con of them all. His Garland Greene—a serial killer whose exploits “make the Manson family look like the Partridge family,” according to one character—enters the film strapped to a chair, Hannibal Lecter mask affixed to his face. Screenwriter Scott Rosenberg, a friend of Buscemi’s, wrote the part with him in mind, and was tickled when Buscemi accepted the role. To this day, fans will still serenade the actor with “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.”
9. HIS CHARACTER IN DESPERADO IS NAMED AFTER HIM.
Although he inevitably dies (courtesy of Danny Trejo’s throwing knives), Buscemi commands the opening of Desperado, Robert Rodriguez’s stylish revenge movie, regaling bar patrons with the story of the title gunslinger, played by Antonio Banderas. Because his character’s name is never mentioned, Rodriguez decided to have some fun and name him "Buscemi" in the credits.
10. HE WON’T FIX HIS TEETH.
Buscemi’s crooked smile has helped him portray lowlifes and losers throughout his career. Dentists have offered to fix the actor’s teeth, but he always turns them down, knowing how valuable those chompers are to the Buscemi brand. In a guest starring role on The Simpsons, Buscemi poked fun at the matter after a dentist offers to straighten his character’s teeth: “You’re going to kill my livelihood if you do that!”
11. THERE’S SOME CONFUSION OVER HOW TO PRONOUNCE HIS LAST NAME.
Many people pronounce his last name “Boo-shemmy,” but it turns out Buscemi himself pronounces it “Boo-semmy.” In interviews, Buscemi says he’s following his father’s pronunciation, and says he doesn’t begrudge anyone who says it differently. It turns out, though, that his fans have it right—or at least mostly right. On a trip to Sicily to visit family, Buscemi recounted recently on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, he noticed everyone saying “Boo-SHAY-me.”
12. HE GOT STABBED IN A BAR FIGHT.
On April 12th, 2001, while filming Domestic Disturbance in Wilmington, North Carolina, Buscemi, co-star Vince Vaughn, and screenwriter Scott Rosenberg went out for late night drinks at the Firebelly Lounge. After Vaughn traded insults with another patron (whose girlfriend had apparently been flirting with Vaughn), the two stepped outside, and a brief scuffle ensued before the two were separated. Buscemi, who was among the crowd that had gathered, was then confronted by a man who, after a brief exchange, attacked the actor with a pocketknife. Buscemi suffered stab wounds to his face, throat, and hands, and had to return to New York to recuperate. His attacker, Timothy Fogerty, was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. In typical good-guy fashion, Buscemi declined to press additional charges and instead insisted Fogerty enter a substance abuse program.
13. HE REJOINED HIS FIRE ENGINE IN THE WAKE OF 9/11.
After the horrific attack on New York City’s Twin Towers on September 11, Buscemi—like many Americans—was desperate to help. Although it had been nearly 20 years since he had strapped on his fireman’s gear, the actor reunited with his Engine 55 brethren and for days scoured the towers’ debris for survivors. Buscemi didn’t want his actions publicized; when people asked to take his picture, he declined. It took more than 10 years, in fact, before word got out, thanks to a Facebook post from Engine 55. “Brother Steve worked 12-hour shifts alongside other firefighters digging and sifting through the rubble,” the post read. “This guy is a badass!”
14. HE NARRATES THE AUDIO TOUR AT EASTERN STATE PENITENTIARY.
People who take a tour of the historic Philadelphia prison may notice a familiar voice coming through their listening device. So how did Buscemi end up lending his talents to such a seemingly obscure place? It turns out Eastern State is a popular location for film and photo shoots. Scenes from Terry Gilliam's 12 Monkeys were filmed there, as were album covers for artists like Tina Turner. In 2000, Buscemi scouted the penitentiary for a film project. The location didn’t work out, but the actor fell in love with the history and grand architecture of the 190-year-old prison. When officials asked for his help to celebrate the prison’s tenth year running tours, he agreed.
15. HE DIDN’T BELIEVE TERENCE WINTER WHEN HE OFFERED HIM THE LEAD IN BOARDWALK EMPIRE.
After years of playing disposable villains and losers on the periphery, Buscemi had grown accustomed to being passed over for leading roles. So when Boardwalk Empire creator Terence Winter offered him the part of corrupt politician Enoch “Nucky” Thompson in the award-winning HBO series, Buscemi offered his usual reply. “When Terry did call me and he said that he and Marty [Scorsese] wanted me to play this role, my response was, ‘Terry, I know you’re looking at other actors, and I just appreciate that my name is being thrown in,’" Buscemi recalled. "He said, ‘No, Steve, I just said we want you.’ It still didn’t sink in.” Eventually, of course, reality did sink in, and Buscemi went on to win a Golden Globe and Emmy Award across the show’s five seasons.