18 Outlandish Uses of Real and Fake Body Parts on Etsy

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Etsy

For millennia, artists have been using the human body as a source of inspiration. Many of the creative minds selling through Etsy continue the tradition. Here are some of the more innovative uses of the human body, actual and symbolic, available for purchase on Etsy. 

1. Universal Man Alien Planter

A single houseplant can be a soothing addition to any room. If you’re completely bereft of vision and joie de vivre, that is. Now, a houseplant erupting from a green man’s stomach, that is some serious home décor. 

2. Authentic 1945 Human Bone Dust

I’ve been burned by cut-rate human bone dust purchases before. My serums come out flat and my enchantments hardly ever last more than a day. This is the real deal. The village’s well water is going to stay poisoned this time. 

3. Yelling Doll Head Planter

“Yeow! I am Jimmy Jack, a new yelling doll head planter.” Jimmy Jack’s desperate screams that no one will ever hear is a cathartic addition to any office cubicle. 

4. Kicking Sexy Legs and Pirate Bookmarks

Arr, she’s a saucy wench sure enough. But no one escapes the Dread Pirate Norton’s Anthology of English Literature. 

5. Embroidery with Human Hair

Joking aside, hair art used to be a real thing, a way to remember loved ones before photographs were readily available. Of all the crafts on this list, this is one of the prettiest uses of human refuse that I’ve ever seen. 

6. Human Teeth Earrings

I don’t want to talk about these. It might upset the artists. I don’t want to be jewelry.

7. Baby Hand Soap

Here is the thing about soap. It dissolves. As you use this, the little fingers are going to start to melt off and the forearm will shrivel. Soon you’ll be left with just these tragic little limbs, grasping at the emptiness of infinity in your shower. 

8. Baby Leg Salt Shakers

If Etsy is any indication, humanity has an unquenchable desire to accessorize their homes with baby parts. I imagine this is a reflection of our primitive brain’s desire to ensure the continuation of the species. I’m sure it has nothing to do with us being ghouls.  

9. Glow in the Dark Intestine Earrings

Hey, teachers wear school-themed bracelets. Nurses wear medical-themed necklaces. There is no reason why proctologists can’t show pride in their work, too. Big twisted slick colon pride! That glows in the dark!

10. Crawling Baby Ring

Overly Attached Girlfriend accessorizes.  

11. "Who Nose" Hand Carved Olive Wood Statue

You’ll want to look at it sideways. Sideways it looks like a huge nose, with an eyeball, which is just great. Don’t look at it front-on. Front-on it looks like a different body part, and … somehow gets way more creepy.

12. Placenta Print

Let us be fair. It’s got a certain beauty. It does look like a Tree of Life, and it is a unique way to preserve the memory of your child’s entrance into the world. But it’s also art made from uterine expulsion. Which this particular artist will then grind up for clients to eat. Are you Mom enough for this? Sissy epidural lovin’ hospital birthers need not apply.

13. Cervix Brooch

Look at that little cutie! If I’d known my cervix was that adorable I’d have had it photographed and silkscreened on a T-shirt long ago! 

14. Happy Uterus

You can order it with or without flow. I find the flow depiction grossly inadequate. For one thing it should come with tiny windup cramp gnomes that punch and bite it. And a hidden audio box that plays the sound of a woman crying over a Hallmark commercial.

15. Creepy Toe Necklace

Worn in memory of frostbite survivors and stub victims everywhere. 

16. Gene the Spleen

Before I found this listing, I didn’t know what a spleen actually did. I still don’t know exactly what function a plush version of a spleen might serve. But I do know this: I love Gene the Spleen. Every moment I live apart from Gene the Spleen is an eternity of emptiness, wherein I feel neither lean nor clean.    

17. Ear Earrings

Do you sometimes get confused about which jewelry is supposed to hang off which body part? Your troubles are over.

18. Booby Ear Muffs

Give these to Grandma. Tell her you made them yourself. That they represent the bubeyz, a traditional Christmas cake. Then take pictures. Lots and lots of Christmas pictures. Because you have the coolest Nanna ever. 

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May 21, 2013 - 8:00pm
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