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To Great Lengths: 7 Historic Cures for Impotence

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We may think of the inability to get or maintain an erection as a problem reserved for the ruggedly handsome 50-year-old millionaires joyously piloting their yachts in the background of Viagra commercials. But there has never been a time or place where men weren’t extremely attached to their penises, and the sexual vitality and youth they represent. For centuries the desire to “Rouse the Venus loitering in the Veins” has driven men to take whatever insane cures were currently popular. Sometimes it was drinking tea made from flowers with big stamens … sometimes it was burning witches. Here are seven historic methods men used to regain a firm grasp on their masculinity.

1. Eating Animal Privates

Here is the first rule for ancient impotency cures, and it applies to nearly the entire planet: If an animal bears a feature that even remotely resembles a reproductive organ, or makes you think of ferocity, or is known for rapid reproduction, or maybe you dreamed about that animal, or maybe you caught a bug and you don’t know what else to do with it … grind that sucker up and eat it. It’ll restore your manhood. Over the millennia pretty much every animal has had its penis, horns, fins, muscle, bones, bladder, or exoskeleton ground into an aphrodisiac. Albertus Magnus was a philosopher and writer in the 1200s, and he would have laughed in the sissy face of Viagra. His method was for real men. “If a wolf’s penis is roasted in an oven, cut into small pieces, and a small portion of this is chewed, the consumer will experience an immediate yen for sexual intercourse.” If catching a wolf and roasting his genitals in your oven doesn’t make you feel like a man, nothing will.  

2. “Congesters” (Penis Pumps)

Frederick Hollick, in his 1850 book The Marriage Guide, described a case brought to him involving a man who had married at 32 in the hopes of curing his life-long impotence. This did not happen, and “the misery of two humans could scarcely be more complete.” So the good doctor stuck the unfortunate penis into his Congester. The Congester was very similar to a modern penis pump: It worked by sucking all the air out of the tube the penis was put into, creating a vacuum that forced blood into the spongy tissue of the phallus. After two weeks of regular applications with The Congester, the newlywed’s manhood was up and running. The really weird thing is urologists still sometimes recommend this for patients who don’t respond to Viagra. Perhaps penis pumps, like sunsets, are something science can’t improve upon.   

3. Flagellation

Oh, the poor French. English speakers put their name in front of anything they want to make sound sordid. French kisses, French letters (condoms), and the French Disease (syphilis). And then the 19th century French cure for impotence. Flagellation. Yes. That means to take a small cat o' nine tails whip, and lightly tickle and spank the privates of the uninspired patient. Dr. Hollick describes it thusly: The Flagellator should be applied “the whole length of the Penis, and on the Pubes, the Perinuem, and inside of the thighs, until the flesh is quite red and smarts.” This causes an influx of blood to the parts that are lacking vitality. And possibly the development of a fetish that will bring endless nights of both satisfaction and mild abrasion burns.  

4. Burning Witches

In 1486, German Inquisitor Heinrich Kramer wrote Malleus Maleficarum (The Hammer of Witches), a treatise on how to recognize witchcraft—as well as a refutation to those gullible enough not to believe that a witch could steal your penis. Don’t kid yourself. Your penis is very important to a witch and the dark forces she wields. You might ask, why isn’t she using her magic to overthrow governments or poison well water? Because those things are nothing compared to the performance of your wedding tackle! She’ll risk her own life, just to take the breeze out of your windsock! People used Kramer’s Hammer to smelt out witches for centuries. As he described, a witch would curse newlywed men with impotence, making them unable to consummate their marriages and causing disharmony in God’s Holy union. Luckily, the early church allowed for marriage annulment on the grounds of magical impotence. The witch who caused it, however, was in trouble. As late as 1718, the Parliament of Bourdeaux executed a witch for this crime. 

5. Splints

Splints! Like for a broken arm! But instead for a droopy penis! Inventors have been applying for new and improved penis splint patents through all of the 20th century; one of the most recent in 2009. Splints have a rigid base on which the penis lays, and two rings attached, one to grasp the member at either end. It is usually strapped to the body around the back or scrotum. Though most men would be sold right at “scrotum strapping,” there were other points to consider. First of all, a splinted penis does not always an erection make, any more than straightening out cooked spaghetti makes it raw again. Also, splints by their very nature have to be made of a hard, unyielding material (spring steel, bronze, or aluminum was recommended in a 1922 patent). This means the couple using the splint would have inhospitable materials thrashing around their privates. Materials that don’t belong down there, unless one is trying to extract a Dark Ages sorcery confession. Even then it’s just awful. 

6. Don’t Think of Sex!

In the early 19th century, some physicians believed impotence could be caused by overuse of the sexual faculties, especially from “self-abuse.” That the musculature, such as it was, was tired. So they’d put the penis on strict bed rest. Anything that might cause the slightest swell in a man’s nethers was to be avoided. The imagination must be cleansed and blood drawn away from the “apperature” whenever possible. “The local application of cold water has a great affect in allaying the excitable state of the generative organs, and should be had recourse to at least twice a day,” said an entry in The Cyclopaedia of Practical Medicine, published in 1833. The strange thing is this might have worked, though not as intended. It’s the same principle as “don’t think of a white elephant.” You can’t help but think of it. Now, don’t think of Madame’s bountiful décolletage! You’re not allowed. Stop! Oh, you thought of it. Now look what you’ve done.

7. Monkey Testicle Grafts

As medical advancements continued into the 20th century, men of science came to view grounding up animal privates and eating them for virility as horrifically primitive. To truly cure impotence, those privates needed to be surgically grafted onto the patient! Enter Serge Voronoff. In 1920, he performed his first monkey-to-man testicular operation. (Before he had used the testicles of dead criminals for this operation, but as you can imagine, he eventually ran out of dead criminals and resorted to monkeys.) He grafted a thin slice of chimpanzee testicle onto that of a man that suffered waning virility. In reality, the human body rejected the foreign object immediately, leaving a scar that led both the doctor and his patients to believe the graft was successfully in place. Even though this process didn’t work, no one seemed to care. By the 1930s, thousands of wealthy men everywhere where lining up to have monkeyball inserted into their scrotums. Unfortunately with success comes skeptics, and Voronoff’s work was soon unveiled as being utterly deranged. Sad news for the men who had believed themselves cured (good news, though, for the monkeys). 

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13 Fantastic Museums You Can Visit for Free on Saturday
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On Saturday, September 23, museums and cultural institutions across the United States will open their doors to the public for free, as part of Smithsonian magazine’s annual Museum Day Live! event. Hundreds of museums are set to participate, ranging from world-famous institutions in major cities to tiny, local museums in small towns. While the full list of museums can be viewed, and tickets can be reserved, on the Smithsonian website, we’ve collected a small selection of the fantastic museums you can visit for free this Saturday.

1. NEWSEUM // WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Newseum in Washington, D.C. is an entire museum dedicated to the First Amendment. Celebrating freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly and petition, the museum features exhibits on civil rights, the Berlin Wall, and the history of news media in America. Their latest special exhibitions take a look back at the event of September 11, 2001 and go inside the FBI's crime-fighting tactics.

2. INTREPID SEA, AIR & SPACE MUSEUM // NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK

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New York's Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum doesn’t just showcase America’s military and maritime history—it is a piece of that history. The museum itself is one of the Essex-class aircraft carriers built by the United States Navy during World War II. Visitors can explore its massive deck and interior, and view historic airplanes, a real World War II submarine, and a range of interactive exhibits. Normally, a ticket will set you back a whopping $33 (or $19 for New York City residents), but on Saturday, general admission is free with a Museum Day Live! ticket.

3. AUTRY MUSEUM OF THE AMERICAN WEST // LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Perfect for art lovers, history buffs, and cinephiles alike, the Autry Museum of the American West (named for legendary singing cowboy Gene Autry) offers up an eclectic mix of art, historical artifacts from the real American West, and Western film memorabilia and props.

4. MUSEUM OF ARTS AND SCIENCES // DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA

A massive art, science, and history museum located on a 90-acre nature preserve, the Museum of Arts and Sciences features the largest collection of Florida art anywhere in the world, as well as the largest collection of Coca-Cola memorabilia in all of Florida. Its diverse exhibits are alternately awe-inspiring, informative, and quirky, ranging from an exploration of 2000 years of sculpture art to an exhibition of 19th and 20th century advertising posters.

5. INTERNATIONAL MUSEUM OF THE HORSE AT THE KENTUCKY HORSE PARK // LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY

The International Museum of the Horse explores the history of—you guessed it!—the horse. That might sound like a narrow scope, but the museum doesn’t just display horse racing artifacts or teach you about modern horse breeds. Instead, it endeavors to tackle the 50-million-year evolution of the horse and its relationship with humans from ancient times to modern times.

6. THE PEGGY NOTEBAERT NATURE MUSEUM // CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

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The 160-year-old Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum is pulling out all the stops for this year’s Museum Day Live! In addition to their vast exhibits of animal specimens and cultural artifacts, the museum will be hosting a live animal feeding and a butterfly release throughout the day.

7. OGDEN MUSEUM OF SOUTHERN ART // NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA

The Ogden Museum of Southern Art aims to teach visitors about the rich culture and diverse visual arts of the American South. Right now, visitors can view a collection of William Eggleston's photographs and check out the museum's 10th annual invitational exhibition of ceramic teacups and teapots.

8. BALTIMORE MUSEUM OF INDUSTRY // BALTIMORE, MARYLAND

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Located in a 19th century oyster cannery on the Baltimore waterfront, the Baltimore Museum of Industry tells the story of American manufacturing from garment making to video game design. Visitors this weekend can meet video game designers and create custom games at the museum’s interactive “Video Game Wizards” exhibit.

9. SYLVAN HEIGHTS BIRD PARK // SCOTLAND NECK, NORTH CAROLINA

You can meet 2000 birds from around the world this weekend at the 18-acre Sylvan Heights Bird Park. Visitors to the massive garden can walk through aviaries displaying birds from every continent except Antarctica, including ducks, geese, swans, and exotic birds from all over the world.

10. DELTA BLUES MUSEUM // CLARKSDALE, MISSISSIPPI

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Visitors to the Delta Blues Museum can learn about the unique American musical art form in “the land where blues began,” with audiovisual exhibits centered on blues and rock legend Don Nix, as well as Paramount Records illustrator Anthony Mostrom.

11. NATIONAL MUSEUM OF NUCLEAR SCIENCE & HISTORY // ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO

America’s only congressionally chartered museum dedicated to the story of the Atomic Age, the National Museum of Nuclear Science & History features exhibits on everything from nuclear medicine to representations of atomic power in pop culture. Adult visitors to the museum will delight in its impressively nuanced take on nuclear technology, while kids will love the museum’s outdoor airplane exhibit and hands-on science activities at Little Albert’s Lab.

12. MUSEUM OF THE MOUNTAIN MAN // PINEDALE, WYOMING

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Dedicated to the mountain men who explored and settled Wyoming in the 19th century, the Museum of the Mountain Man brings American folklore and legends to life. The museum features exhibits on the Rocky Mountain fur trade and tells the story of American folk legend and famed mountain man Hugh Glass (the man Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar playing in 2015's The Revenant).

13. BESH BA GOWAH ARCHAEOLOGICAL PARK AND MUSEUM // GLOBE, ARIZONA

Arizona’s Besh Ba Gowah Archaeological Park and Museum lets visitors connect with history firsthand. The museum is home to the ruins and artifacts of the Salado Indians who inhabited Arizona from the 13th century through the 15th century, and even lets visitors wander through an 800-year-old Salado pueblo.

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‘American Gothic’ Became Famous Because Many People Saw It as a Joke
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In 1930, Iowan artist Grant Wood painted a simple portrait of a farmer and his wife (really his dentist and sister) standing solemnly in front of an all-American farmhouse. American Gothic has since inspired endless parodies and is regarded as one of the country’s most iconic works of art. But when it first came out, few people would have guessed it would become the classic it is today. Vox explains the painting’s unexpected path to fame in the latest installment of the new video series Overrated.

According to host Phil Edwards, American Gothic made a muted splash when it first hit the art scene. The work was awarded a third-place bronze medal in a contest at the Chicago Art Institute. When Wood sold the painting to the museum later on, he received just $300 for it. But the piece’s momentum didn’t stop there. It turned out that American Gothic’s debut at a time when urban and rural ideals were clashing helped it become the defining image of the era. The painting had something for everyone: Metropolitans like Gertrude Stein saw it as a satire of simple farm life in Middle America. Actual farmers and their families, on the other hand, welcomed it as celebration of their lifestyle and work ethic at a time when the Great Depression made it hard to take pride in anything.

Wood didn’t do much to clear up the work’s true meaning. He stated, "There is satire in it, but only as there is satire in any realistic statement. These are types of people I have known all my life. I tried to characterize them truthfully—to make them more like themselves than they were in actual life."

Rather than suffering from its ambiguity, American Gothic has been immortalized by it. The country has changed a lot in the past century, but the painting’s dual roles as a straight masterpiece and a format for skewering American culture still endure today.

Get the full story from Vox below.

[h/t Vox]

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