10 Old Sayings We Need to Bring Back

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iStock

Before the Internet, we could not use memes of Willy Wonka or a triumphant baby to express ourselves. Instead, we used proverbs: catchy lines that encapsulate universal truths. Some were introduced to the world by witty writers, and some seemed to emerge fully formed into the collective conscious. Many of them are still with us (I’m not pulling your leg; More than you can swing a cat at), but many more have fallen out of use over the centuries. Here are 10 that should really be brought back.

1. “Bed is the poor man’s Opera.”

Source: Old Italian proverb
Meaning: The man who can’t afford expensive entertainments can still conduct the most passionate of orchestrations in his own bed.
Modern Usage: Something charming to say to your girlfriend when you’ve blown your paycheck on EVE Online Time Codes but are still hoping to get lucky.

2. “Children are certain cares, but uncertain comforts.”

Source: How the Good Wife, 1460
Meaning: You can bet you’re gonna have to change their diapers, but there’s no guarantee they’ll stick around to change yours.
Example of Modern Usage: The proper response to anyone who smiles smugly at a childless woman in her mid-thirties, points to their watch and says, “tick tick tick!”

3. “When cobwebs are plenty kisses are scarce.”

Source: Notes and Queries, 1864
Meaning: Dirty houses are not sexy.
Example of Modern Usage: Something a wife might say in bed as she shoves a body pillow between her sweat-pant clad body and her husband’s. Especially if that husband promised to use the weekend to remove all his old Maxim magazines and dusty weightlifting crap from the guest room, and then didn’t.

4. “He who would pun would pick a pocket."

Source: Alexander Pope, 1729
Meaning: If you’re of such low character the best jokes you can come up are throwbacks from the Brady Bunch Variety Hour, there is nothing you won’t stoop to.
Example of Modern Usage: You can try to silence Uncle Ron’s miserable jokes next Thanksgiving with this bon mot… but he’ll probably just answer back with, “He who would stun would pee on a socket.” And then swipe your wallet.

5. “A friend to all is a friend to none.”

Source: Wadroephe, 1623
Meaning: This is why we hate politicians. They have to morph to please so many different types of people; they appear dishonest and false.
Example of Modern Usage: Your explanation to your friends for why you voted for Nader. He’s not a friend to anyone who guiltlessly emits carbon, so you know you can trust him!

6. “Garlic makes a man wink, drink, and stink.”

Source: Nashe, 1594
Meaning: Garlic inflames your lust, lures you to drunkenness, and makes your entire body smell like over-seasoned meat.
Example of Modern Usage: A joyful Best Man’s toast at a New Jersey wedding reception. Because c’mon, who wouldn’t wish for an awesome life of wink and stink for their best friend?

7. “The gist of a lady’s letter is in her postscript.”

Source: Edgeworth, 1801
Meaning: From your grandma to your girlfriend, all the preceding paragraphs about the health of pets and the obnoxiousness of Cindy from work mean nothing compared to the stuff after the “P.S.”
Modern Usage Example: No matter how cheerful the email, if it’s followed by a P.S. that says, “Oh by the way I noticed you didn’t take the car for an oil change like you said you were going to…”, this was the purpose of the entire correspondence, and you are in peril.

8. “Bachelor’s wives and maid’s children are well taught.”

Source: Heywood, 1546
Meaning: When you don’t have a spouse or a kid, you know everything about maintaining a healthy relationship with spouses and kids.
Modern Usage Example: When your single-and-loving it! friend informs you that you really shouldn’t yell at your 6 year old for trying to force the dog and cat to kiss, and instead use the positive-reinforcement tactics she recently learned in her Intro to Psych class. Invite her to practice those tactics while you go spend an hour or two at Starbucks. Do not show her where you keep your Xanax. She has a lesson to learn.

9. “We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed.”

Source: Unknown
Meaning: Oh, I think you know all too well what this means.
Modern Usage Example: Anytime anyone asks you for anything, ever.

10. “Gluttony kills more than the sword.”

Source: Barclay, 1509
Meaning: Even in 1509, when you had to overtake and slay your food before consuming it, overeating was still hardening arteries, enlarging hearts, and filling graveyards.
Modern Usage Example: Thing you say to anyone who presumes to take the last piece of The Colonel’s fried chicken when it is rightfully yours. Can be accompanied with a friendly jiggle of whichever bit of their body fat you can reach. (We're not responsible for any subsequent injuries.)

This Pop Culture Guide to Proofreading Marks Will Help You Write the Perfect Essay

Pop Culture Lab
Pop Culture Lab

Regardless of your profession, proofreading is an important skill to know. A round of revisions will help you express yourself more clearly and eloquently, and penning a perfectly punctuated letter is an underrated art form. Proofreading marks will help you edit more efficiently, but navigating all those squiggles and dots can feel like learning a foreign language.

Here to help is Pop Chart Labs, which used pop culture references to create a fun guide to proofreading marks. As for the Oxford comma—whose use is hotly debated among punctuation purists—the chart makers rule in favor of it. “The movies Kill Bill, While You Were Sleeping, and 28 Days Later are all punctuated by important comas,” the comma section of the poster reads.

The chart
Pop Chart Lab

“I’m Ron Burgundy?” (an Anchorman reference) falls under the question mark category, and “Nobody puts baby in a corner” (Dirty Dancing) is given as an example of text centering.

“Let Beyonce teach you about flushing left (to the left), Italian stereotypes from The Simpsons illustrate ital-ics, Michael Scott portray the pain of having your edits and/or vasectomies reversed, and all too many Game of Thrones characters demonstrate deletion (warning: SPOILERS),” Pop Chart Lab writes in its description of the poster.

With this chart on your wall, you’ll never miss the mark. The 18-inch-by-24-inch poster costs $29 and is currently available for pre-order on Pop Chart Lab's website. Shipping starts October 3.

15 Facts About Talk Like A Pirate Day

iStock
iStock

Ahoy, me hearties! As many of you know, September 19 is International Talk Like A Pirate Day, an annual phenomenon that’s taken the world by storm, having been observed by every continent, the International Space Station, and even the Oval Office since it first made headlines back in 2002. So let’s hoist the Jolly Roger, break out the rum, and take a look back at the holiday’s timber-shivering history.

1. IT WAS ORIGINALLY CONCEIVED OF ON D-DAY.

Talk Like a Pirate Day creators John Baur and Mark Summer (who’ve since acquired the nicknames “Ol’ Chumbucket” and “Cap’n Slappy,” respectively) created the holiday while playing racquetball on June 6, 1995—the 51st anniversary of the invasion of Normandy. Out of respect to the battle’s veterans, a new observance date was quickly sought.

2. SEPTEMBER 19TH ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE BIRTHDAY OF THE CO-CREATOR'S EX-WIFE.

“[September 19th was] the only date we could readily recall that wasn’t already taken up with Christmas or the Super Bowl or something,” the pair later claimed. Summers claims to harbor no ill will toward his former spouse, who has since stated, “I’ve never been prouder to be his ex-wife!

3. PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING HUMORIST DAVE BARRY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR POPULARIZING THE HOLIDAY.

Dave Barry was so smitten with the holiday after having been introduced to it via email in early 2002 that he dedicated an entire column to its publicity that September, turning an inside joke into a global sensation. He later went on to make a cameo appearance in one of Baur and Summers’s buccaneer-themed music videos in 2011 (look for him in the video above at the 3:25 mark).

4. REAL PIRATES SPOKE A WIDE VARIETY OF DIALECTS.

Despite some extensive “English-to-Pirate” dictionaries that have cropped up all over the Internet the idea that all pirates shared a common accent regardless of national origin is historically absurd, as National Geographic pointed out in 2011.

5. ACTOR ROBERT NEWTON IS HAILED AS THE “PATRON SAINT” OF TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY.

So where did the modern “pirate dialect” come from? Summers and Baur credit actor Robert Newton's performance in Treasure Island (1950) and have accordingly dubbed him the “patron saint” of their holiday. Tasked with breathing life into the scheming buccaneer, Newton simply exaggerated his native West Country accent and the rest is history.

6. BAUR'S FAMILY WAS FEATURED ON A PIRATE-THEMED EPISODE OF WIFE SWAP.

The reality show’s highly-anticipated 2006 season premiere pitted the Baurs (in full pillaging regalia) against a family which, according to John’s wife Tori (a.k.a. “Mad Sally”), “behaved as though ‘fun’ was something that had to be pre-packaged for their protection.”

7. BAUR WAS ALSO ON JEOPARDY!

Baur was described to the audience as “a writer and pirate from Oregon” in his 2008 appearance. “I didn’t win,” Baur said, “but the introduction made Alex blink.”

8. TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY HAS BECOME A CORNERSTORE OF THE PASTAFARIAN MOVEMENT.

Bobby Henderson, founder of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, cited Earth’s dwindling pirate population as the clear source of global warming in his 2005 open letter to the Kansas school board which established the religion. Since then, Talk Like A Pirate Day has been observed by devout Pastafarians worldwide. 

9. A FLORIDA MAYOR ONCE IGNITED A LOCAL CONTROVERSY FOR MAKING AN OFFICIAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY PROCLAMATION.

In 2012, Lake Worth, Florida Mayor Pam Triolo lightheartedly urged her constituents to embrace the holiday last year, writing, “The City … is known to possess a spirit of independence, high spirits, and swashbuckling, all traits of a good pirate.” Her actions were criticized by the city’s former commissioner, Jo-Ann Golden, who took offense to the association with murderous seamen.

10. DAY OF THE THE NINJA WAS CREATED IN RESPONSE TO TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY.

Not to be outdone by their hated rivals, the pro-ninja community was quick to execute the first annual Day of the Ninja on December 5, 2002. For Summers and Baur’s take on the warring factions, see the clip above.

11. ASTRONAUTS ONCE CELEBRATED TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY ABOARD THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

In a 2012 interview, Summers recalled being “informed that the astronauts on the International Space Station were awakened to ‘A Pirate’s Life For Me' and joined in the pirate talk from space.”

12. PRESIDENT OBAMA ONCE CELEBRATED WITH A COSTUMED BUCCANEER IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

In 2012, Barack Obama tweeted this image on Talk Like a Pirate Day with the caption “Arr you in?”

13. A CONGRESSMAN LATER USED THE HOLIDAY TO SLAM OBAMA'S TAX PLAN.

In 2011, Florida’s 12th congressional district representative Dennis Ross used the festivity as a political punchline after Obama made a speech detailing his tax plan, tweeting, “It is TALK like a pirate day … not ACT like one. Watch ye purses and bury yr loot, the taxman cometh.”

14. IT'S AN OFFICIAL HOLIDAY IN THE STATE OF MICHIGAN.

On June 4, 2013, state senator Roger Kahn’s proposal to grant Talk Like A Pirate Day official acknowledgement from the Michigan government was formally adopted, to the chagrin of some dissenting landlubbers. 

15. TALK LIKE A PIRATE, GET A FREE DEEP FRIED TWINKIE.

Rejoice, sweet-toothed scallywags: There's free grub to be had on Talk Like a Pirate Day. Talk like a pirate at your local Long John Silver's, and you'll get a free deep fried Twinkie. Dress like a pirate and you'll get a free Fish N' Fry. (Though you'll want to make sure your local restaurant is participating before putting on your best eye patch.)

This story originally ran in 2013.

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