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11 Crazy Bigfoot Conspiracy Theories

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Whether or not you believe in Bigfoot, chances are you live pretty close to somebody who does: Sasquatch sightings have been reported in every state but Hawaii over the course of several centuries. In the process, a number of bizarre theories have been put forth to explain how the mysterious beasts came to be, reproduce, and constantly evade us.

1. A DNA Test Proved That Bigfoot is a Part-Human Hybrid… And Deserves U.S. Citizenship!

Texas veterinarian Melba S. Ketchum claimed last November to have proved via sasquatch DNA sample that the legendary apes are partially human. She even went so far as to insist that the Government recognize them as “an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights."

2. The Government Secretly Removed Burnt Sasquatch Corpses from Mount St. Helens after the 1980 Eruption.

Following the disaster, a few witnesses reported seeing federal helicopters carrying off the charred remains of several sasquatches from the area. Prior to the eruption, Mount St. Helens had already been a hot spot for supposed “ape-men” sightings since the 1920s. In fact, so many of these stories were recorded that a nearby gorge was eventually named “Ape Canyon.”

3. Bigfoot is Really a Caveman.

In 2007, Vancouver Island resident Robert Wilson claimed to have seen “what I thought was a bear. I drove down and saw what I could only describe as a large, hairy man who looked cave man-like… with sort of Neanderthal features. As big as a bear, easily.” Expanding on his claim, a 2011 History Channel documentary proposed that “[the] sasquatch might not be a giant ape at all, but could be a species of prehistoric human.” You can see the segment in question at this video’s 55-minute mark.

4. Bigfoot is Really an Alien.

Two conspiracies for the price of one! In 1973, Pennsylvanian UFO researcher Stan Gordon noticed an increase in sightings of sasquatches entering and exiting the extraterrestrial vessels. Fascinated by the possibility that the mysterious primates may actually hail from another planet, Gordon quickly set up a “UFO-Bigfoot Hotline” which still runs to this day.

5. Bigfoot is Really a Giant Ground Sloth.

While most “experts” believe the sasquatch to be some form of shaggy primate, a few have opined that these beasts are actually surviving giant ground sloths. For more on these fascinating prehistoric mammals, do go here.

6. Sasquatches Occasionally Sodomize Domestic Cows.

Animal-on-animal bestiality is far from uncommon. Accordingly, more than a few farmers claim to have witnessed male Bigfeet (which is the plural of Bigfoot) getting intimate with some unfortunate bovines. (Where’s Gary Larson when you need him?)

7. Sasquatches Appear in the Bible.

A few modern creationists have argued that the giants briefly mentioned in the book of Genesis were actually early Bigfeet.

8. 10 percent of Sasquatches Might be Gay.

Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman recalls having once “lightheartedly wondered aloud if 10 percent of the Bigfoot population, matching the figures we have on Homo sapiens, might be gay.” Days later, he was shocked to discover a slew of angry e-mails denouncing him for calling “Bigfoot a homosexual.” You can visit Coleman’s official website here.

9. Sasquatches Bury Their Dead.

One of the most jarring questions for cryptozoologists is “If sasquatches are real, why don’t we ever find their bodies?” Many believers argue that, not unlike modern elephants, the elusive apes actually bury their dead. For a lengthy list of purported “sightings" of Bigfoot burials in progress, check this out.

10. The Government Captured A Live Sasquatch in 1999.

In 1999, a number of simultaneous fires ravaged Battle Mountain, Nevada. An injured bigfoot was supposedly spotted in the carnage before being whisked away by Government officials for treatment. A brief summary of the alleged event is available at the Sierra Tahoe Bigfoot Research Blog.

11. Bigfoot Calls have been Documented and can be Easily Mimicked.

Believers feel that Bigfoot calls are diverse and distinctive, as evidenced in Animal Planet’s Finding Bigfoot series.

Here’s another in which the program’s host, James “Bobo” Fay, shows off his sasquatch roar to a confused Conan O’Brien.

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From Snoopy to Shark Bait: The Top Slang Word in Each State
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There’s a minute, and then there’s a hot minute. Defined as “a longish amount of time,” this unit of time is familiar to Alabamians but may stir up confusion beyond the state’s borders.

It’s Louisianans, though, who feel the “most misunderstood,” according to the results of a survey regarding regional slang by PlayNJ. Of the Louisiana residents surveyed, 72 percent said their fellow Americans from other states—even neighboring ones—have a hard time grasping their lingo. Some learned the hard way that ordering a burger “dressed” (with lettuce, tomato, pickles, and mayo) isn’t universally understood, nor is the phrase “to pass a good time” (instead of “to have” a good time).

After surveying 2000 people (with proportional numbers from each state), PlayNJ created a map showing the top slang word in each state. Many are words that are unlikely to be understood beyond state lines, but others—like California’s bomb (something you really like) and New York’s deadass (to be completely serious)—have spread well beyond their respective borders thanks to memes and internet culture.

Hawaiians are also known for their distinctive slang words, with 71 percent reporting that words like shaka (hello) and poho (waste of time) are frequently misunderstood. Shark bait, one of the state’s more colorful terms, refers to tourists who are so pale that they attract sharks.

Check out the full list below and test your knowledge of regional slang words with PlayNJ’s online quiz.

A chart showing the top slang words in each state
PlayNJ
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20 States With the Highest Rates of Skin Cancer
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They don’t call it the Sunshine State for nothing. Floridians get to soak up the sun year-round, but that exposure to harmful UV rays also comes with consequences. Prevention magazine reported that Florida has the highest rate of skin cancer in the U.S., according to a survey by Blue Cross Blue Shield (BCBS).

BCBS surveyed 9 million of its insured members who had been diagnosed with skin cancer between 2014 and 2016 and found that Florida had the highest rate of skin cancer at 7.1 percent. People living in eastern states tend to be more prone to skin cancer, and diagnoses are more common among women.

Here are the 20 states with the highest rates of skin cancer:

1. Florida: 7.1 percent
2. Washington, D.C.: 5.8 percent
3. Connecticut: 5.6 percent
4. Maryland: 5.3 percent
5. Rhode Island: 5.3 percent
6. Vermont: 5.3 percent
7. North Carolina: 5.2 percent
8. New York: 5 percent
9. Massachusetts: 5 percent
10. Colorado: 5 percent
11. Arizona: 5 percent
12. Virginia: 5 percent
13. Delaware: 4.8 percent
14. Kentucky: 4.7 percent
15. Alabama: 4.7 percent
16. New Jersey: 4.7 percent
17. Georgia: 4.7 percent
18. West Virginia: 4.5 percent
19. Tennessee: 4.5 percent
20. South Carolina: 4.4 percent

It may come as a surprise that sunny California doesn’t make the top 20, and Hawaii is the state with the lowest rate of skin cancer at 1.8 percent. Prevention magazine explains that this could be due to the large population of senior citizens in Florida and the fact that the risk of melanoma, a rare but deadly type of skin cancer, increases with age. People living in regions with higher altitudes also face a greater risk of skin cancer due to the thinner atmosphere and greater exposure to UV radiation, which explains why Colorado is in the top 10.

The good news is that the technology used to detect skin cancer is improving, and researchers hope that AI can soon be incorporated into more skin cancer screenings. To reduce your risk, be sure to wear SPF 30+ sunscreen when you know you’ll be spending time outside, and don’t forget to reapply it every two hours. 

[h/t Prevention]

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