5 Fictional Companies Owned by Microsoft

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Microsoft runs an entire corporate empire you might not know about, but are probably hosting somewhere on your computer. They are the companies of Access and SharePoint, of Excel and SQL Server, and comprise all of that sample data included to give you some idea of how the software works.

1. Contoso

According to Businessweek, Sony has a financial services division that mostly sells life insurance policies. This division is worth more than the rest of the company combined. As one analyst put it, “Sony is a life insurance company with a money-losing TV business.”

Clearly, then, a company like Contoso Ltd. is not without precedent. There’s Contoso Bank, with divisions in the United States and Australia, and an arm in Singapore called Asean Bank. Contoso Pharmaceuticals is spread across the United States, with offices in Denver, Chicago (where its IT center is located), Atlantic, Sacramento, and its corporate headquarters in New York City.

The IT department of Contoso Pharmaceuticals alone supports 195,000 users, which suggests a total headcount somewhere in that area, including contractors and interns. (For comparison, Verizon Communications employs a total of 193,900 people; Disney “only” employs 156,000.) It’s hard to estimate how many people fall under the combined corporate empire, but it likely blows United Technologies—which builds both elevators (as Otis) and UH-60 Black Hawk helicopters for the U.S. Army—out of the water.

2. The Volcano Coffee Company

The Volcano Coffee Company is renowned not only for its blends, which continue a legacy “reminiscent” of ancient Mo’a Mana tribal ways, but also for its forward-thinking embrace of technology. Its owners have developed an InterNET Home Page for the World Wide Web. They’ve even accepted sponsorship by way of a rectangular animated Compuserve GIF.

The company’s name derives from a little known botanical fact that coffee plants grow natively only in the volcanic region of South Sea islands. The Volcano Coffee Company wants you to know that the coffee fields “yield the plumpest, most flavor-filled coffee beans in the world.” Coffee mugs are available from the online gift shop for a mere $25, which means 20 years after Volcano set the web standard, nobody’s figured out how to make and sell a cheap mug online.

3. Northwind Traders

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According to its business plan, the mission of Northwind Traders is “to become the premier provider of adventure vacations for 25- to 35- year-old professionals.” And the company seems to be well on its way. It started as a clothing store employing seven people. (Last year, the retail arm of the company earned profits of $200,400 on sales of $1,419,500.) Today, Northwind employs 200 people, with a goal of adding another 420 employees in its first year as a travel agency, and raising the total to 1400 the following year.

Before fully divesting itself of the clothing store, the company intends to raise $83,500 from outside sources, making it the most efficient company in Seattle. Still, before investing, one really ought to consider the area. Because Northwind is located in a technology hub of the nation, one has to wonder how the company plans to make everyone forget about the Internet and companies with William Shatner as their front man, to say nothing of Margie’s Travel, another Microsoft baby.

(Those of you downloading your business school essays from the Internet should be warned that ABN Traders has a suspiciously similar business plan to Northwind, as does Aussie-One Travel Agency, which in a twist has a partnership with Margie’s Travel.)

4. World Wide Importers

Just as its name suggests, World Wide Importers imports things from around the world. The company specifically focuses on clothing, which is then sold to U.S. retailers. World Wide Importers employs 4500 people, which is just about the same number as Groupon. Really. (I have no idea what those people are doing all day.) World Wide Importers has locations in three cities: Chicago, where marketing, research, and HR operate; Boston, for sales, shipping, and inventory; and Denver, for customer service.

5. Blue Yonder Airlines

Frequent flyers should go ahead and bookmark Blue Yonder Airlines. It is “the leading adventure charter airline in the US!” with “the industry’s best safety record.” More importantly, though, it has an on-time-every-time guarantee, which has to be the worst business decision in the history of enterprise, but the best deal a traveler is ever going to find. There’s no hedging here, either. Their guarantee reads: “If we fail to depart or arrive on time, we will pay for your accommodations.” Before you start eyeing a Skyloft at the MGM Grand, however, you should probably take note that Blue Yonder has a 100 percent on-time record.

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January 23, 2013 - 5:00pm
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