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11 Patron Saints for Your Modern-Day Calamities

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There are plenty of saints that cater to modern-day issues if you know where to look. 

1. The Patron Saint of Phantom Cell Phone Vibrations - Gabriel the Archangel

You’ve been there: the panicky moments pawing through your purse or stuffed coat pockets for your vibrating phone, only to finally locate it and realize that you had completely hallucinated the entire thing. To ensure that such a minor irritant never happens again, dial up Gabriel the Archangel, the patron saint of telephones and telecommunications. He’s the saint of these things thanks to his role as messenger from God to humans, which is either way easier or a whole lot harder now that we have text messaging.

2. The Patron Saint of Etsy - St. Luke

Did you get a bad review from a disgruntled buyer? Stiffed by someone whose credit card was rejected after you already dropped their cardboard moose head in the mail? Pray to St. Luke, the patron of craftworkers, which encompasses everything from lace makers to sculptors. If you want to get even more specific, Saint Brieuc is the patron saint of purse makers, the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin answers to the calls of ribbon makers and Celestine V is the patron saint of bookbinders.

3. The Patron Saint of Questionable TV Plots - Clare of Assisi

When you're convinced that the writers of your favorite show are steering the characters in directions they would never really go (looking at you, Ryan Murphy), pray to Clare of Assisi, the patron saint of television writers. Clare is the saint of all things TV-related because she once saw and heard Christmas mass even though it was taking place miles away from the bed she was confined to.

4. The Patron Saint of Cracked iPhone Screens - Clare of Assisi

Likewise, turn to Clare when your iPhone has just landed facedown on the concrete thanks to your toddler’s fit of rage over that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood app you accidentally deleted. Clare’s prowess over all things screen-related may just mean your glass will be intact when you retrieve Siri from the ground.

5. The Patron Saint of Sore Eyes - St. Augustine of Hippo

If, like many of us, you suffer from eye fatigue at the end of a long day of looking at spreadsheets, Word docs and Gawker, look no further than St. Augustine of Hippo, who is (very specifically) the patron saint of pooped peepers.

6. The Patron Saint of Homebrew - St. Augustine of Hippo

Before he “converted from a life of loose living,” old Augie was quite the playboy. It’s said that he finally abandoned his heathen ways by suddenly turning to a similarly hard-partying buddy and announcing, “Unlearned people are taking Heaven by force, while we, with all our knowledge, are so cowardly that we keep rolling around in the mud of our sins!"

If you’re still rolling around in the mud of your sins by concocting delicious homebrewed hop juice, give a shout out to Augustine of Hippo to ensure your next batch is top notch. Just make sure it’s Augustine of Hippo. There are at least a dozen St. Augustines and you really don’t want to mess up your brew.

7. The Patron Saint of Lost Keys - Saint Zita of Lucca

Lost your damn car keys again? Misplaced the key to your desk drawer at work? Or perhaps you’ve found yourself in an embarrassing situation. Say a quick prayer to Zita, who, as a teenager, was entrusted with the keys to the house where she was a maid. Incidentally, Zita is also the patron to servants.

Her corpse is considered incorruptible by the Catholic Church, so pay a visit to Zita the next time you’re in Lucca, Italy.

8. The Patron Saint of Wikipedia - St. Isidore of Seville

If you’re reading something on Wikipedia that you’re pretty sure is completely false, turn to Isidore of Seville for guidance. Not only is he the patron saint of the Internet, he was so-named because of his prolific writings, including a dictionary, an encyclopedia, a history of Goths and a history of the world beginning with creation. We’re pretty sure an archiver like that wouldn’t stand for Wikipedia shenanigans.

9. The Patron Saint of Lost Luggage - St. Anthony of Padua

With the help of Anthony of Padua, you’ll never leave the airport empty-handed again. Anthony’s renown for finding lost things actually happened long after he died: When a relic of his went mysteriously missing, Anthony’s followers prayed that it would be returned safely. A “novice” was then motivated to return the prayer book after receiving visions of an angry Anthony. Quick, everyone start praying for the rescue of Hoggle.

10. The Patron Saint of Oversleeping - St. Vitus

Do you have the tendency to sleep through your alarm? Or, like me, simply turn it off while you’re still 95 percent asleep? Give a nod to St. Vitus, though his tie to oversleeping is both thin and disturbing. When the teenage convert to Christianity was thrown into a pot of boiling oil as punishment for his religious preference, a rooster was added to the cauldron as part of the sacrifice. The bird has since become a symbol for Vitus, hence his interest in helping you get to work on time.

Vitus is also connected to epidemic dancing.

11. The Patron Saint of Bloggers - St. Expeditus

There are a handful of saints out there who might pay attention to the pleas of a stressed-out blogger. St. Francis de Sales, the patron saint of writers, authors and journalists, would probably lend an ear to your cause. But my personal go-to would be St. Expeditus, the patron of all things procrastination. Legend has it that Expeditus was confronted by a crow (the devil in disguise, of course) the day he decided to convert to Christianity. “Do it tomorrow,” the crow said, “Today you can read a bunch of gossip blogs and watch an obscene amount of HGTV.” But Expeditus would not be deterred, saying, “I’ll be a Christian today!”

This post originally appeared last year.

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12 Surprising Facts About Bela Lugosi
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On October 20, 1882—135 years ago today—one of the world's most gifted performers was born. In his heyday, Bela Lugosi was hailed as the undisputed king of horror. Eighty-five years after he first donned a vampire’s cape, Lugosi's take on Count Dracula is still widely hailed as the definitive portrayal of the legendary fiend. But who was the man behind the monster?

1. HE WORKED WITH THE NATIONAL THEATER OF HUNGARY.

To the chagrin of his biographers, the details concerning Bela Lugosi’s youth have been clouded in mystery. (In a 1929 interview, he straight-up admitted “for purposes of simplification, I have always thought it better to tell [lies] about the early years of my life.”) That said, we do know that he was born as Béla Ferenc Dezső Blaskó on October 20, 1882 in Lugoj, Hungary (now part of Romania). We also know that his professional stage debut came at some point in either 1901 or 1902. By 1903, Lugosi had begun to find steady work with traveling theater companies, through which he took part in operas, operettas, and stage plays. In 1913, Lugosi caught a major break when the most prestigious performing arts venue in his native country—the Budapest-based National Theater of Hungary—cast him in no less than 34 shows. Most of the characters that he played there were small Shakespearean roles such as Rosencrantz in Hamlet and Sir Walter Herbert in Richard III.

2. HE FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR I.

The so-called war to end all wars put Lugosi’s dramatic aspirations on hold. Although being a member of the National Theater exempted him from military service, he voluntarily enlisted in the Austro-Hungarian Army in 1914. Over the next year and a half, he fought against Russian forces as a lieutenant with the 43rd Royal Hungarian Infantry. While serving in the Carpathian mountains, Lugosi was wounded on three separate occasions. Upon healing from his injuries, he left the armed forces in 1916 and gratefully resumed his work with the National Theater.

3. WHEN HE MADE HIS BROADWAY DEBUT, LUGOSI BARELY KNEW ANY ENGLISH.

In December 1920, Lugosi boarded a cargo boat and emigrated to the United States. Two years later, audiences on the Great White Way got their first look at this charismatic stage veteran. Lugosi was cast as Fernando—a suave, Latin lover—in the 1922 Broadway stage play The Red Poppy. At the time, his grasp of the English language was practically nonexistent. Undaunted, Lugosi went over all of his lines with a tutor. Although he couldn’t comprehend their meaning, the actor managed to memorize and phonetically reproduce every single syllable that he was supposed to deliver on stage.

4. UNIVERSAL DIDN’T WANT TO CAST HIM AS COUNT DRACULA.

The year 1927 saw Bela Lugosi sink his teeth into the role of a lifetime. A play based on the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker had opened in London in 1924. Sensing its potential, Horace Liveright, an American producer, decided to create an U.S. version of the show. Over the summer of 1927, Lugosi was cast as the blood-sucking Count Dracula. For him, the part represented a real challenge. In Lugosi’s own words, “It was a complete change from the usual romantic characters I was playing, but it was a success.” It certainly was. Enhanced by his presence, the American Dracula remained on Broadway for a full year, then spent two years touring the country.

Impressed by its box office prowess, Universal decided to adapt the show into a major motion picture in 1930. Horror fans might be surprised to learn that when the studio began the process of casting this movie’s vampiric villain, Lugosi was not their first choice. At the time, Lugosi was still a relative unknown, which made director Tod Browning more than a little hesitant to offer him the job. A number of established actors were all considered before the man who’d played Dracula on Broadway was tapped to immortalize his biting performance on film.

5. MOST OF HIS DRACULA-RELATED FAN MAIL CAME FROM WOMEN.

The recent Twilight phenomenon is not without historical precedent. Lugosi estimated that, while he was playing the Count on Broadway, more than 97 percent of the fan letters he received were penned by female admirers. A 1932 Universal press book quotes him as saying, “When I was on the stage in Dracula, my audiences were composed mostly of women.” Moreover, Lugosi contended that most of the men who’d attended his show had merely been dragged there by female companions.   

6. HE TURNED DOWN THE ROLE OF FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.

Released in 1931, Dracula quickly became one of the year's biggest hits for Universal (some film historians even argue that the movie single-handedly rescued the ailing studio from bankruptcy). Furthermore, its astronomical success transformed Lugosi into a household name for the first time in his career. Regrettably for him, though, he’d soon miss the chance to star in another smash. Pleased by Dracula’s box office showing, Universal green-lit a new cinematic adaptation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Lugosi seemed like the natural choice to play the monster, but because the poor brute had few lines and would be caked in layers of thick makeup, the actor rejected the job offer. As far as Lugosi was concerned, the character was better suited for some “half-wit extra” than a serious actor. Once the superstar tossed Frankenstein aside, the part was given to a little-known actor named Boris Karloff.

Moviegoers eventually did get to see Lugosi play the bolt-necked corpse in the 1943 cult classic Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man. According to some sources, he strongly detested the guttural scream that the script forced him to emit at regular intervals. “That yell is the worst thing about the part. You feel like a big jerk every time you do it!” Lugosi allegedly complained.

7. LUGOSI’S RELATIONSHIP WITH BORIS KARLOFF WAS MORE CORDIAL THAN IT’S USUALLY MADE OUT TO BE.

It’s often reported that the two horror icons were embittered rivals. In reality, however, Karloff and Lugosi seemed to have harbored some mutual respect—and perhaps even affection for one another. The dynamic duo co-starred in five films together, the first of which was 1934’s The Black Cat; Karloff claimed that, on set, Lugosi was “Suspicious of tricks, fearful of what he regarded as scene stealing. Later on, when he realized I didn’t go in for such nonsense, we became friends.” During one of their later collaborations, Lugosi told the press “we laughed over my sad mistake and his good fortune as Frankenstein is concerned.”

That being said, Lugosi probably didn’t appreciate the fact that in every single film which featured both actors, Karloff got top billing. Also, he once privately remarked, “If it hadn’t been for Boris Karloff, I could have had a corner on the horror market.”

8. HE LOVED SOCCER.

In 1935, Lugosi was named Honorary President of the Los Angeles Soccer League. An avid fan, he was regularly seen at Loyola Stadium, where he’d occasionally kick off the first ball during games held there. Also, on top of donating funds to certain Hungarian teams, Lugosi helped finance the Los Angeles Magyar soccer club. When the team won a state championship in 1935, one newspaper wrote that the players were “headed back to Dracula’s castle with the state cup.” [PDF]

9. HE WAS A HARDCORE STAMP COLLECTOR.

Lugosi's fourth wife, Lillian Arch, claimed that Lugosi maintained a collection of more than 150,000 stamps. Once, on a 1944 trip to Boston, he told the press that he intended to visit all 18 of the city's resident philately dealers. “Stamp collecting,” Lugosi declared, “is a hobby which may cost you as much as 10 percent of your investment. You can always sell your stamps with not more than a 10 percent loss. Sometimes, you can even make money.” Fittingly enough, the image of Lugosi’s iconic Dracula appeared on a commemorative stamp issued by the post office in 1997.

10. LUGOSI ALMOST DIDN’T APPEAR IN ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN—BECAUSE THE STUDIO THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

The role of Count Dracula in this 1948 blockbuster was nearly given to Ian Keith—who was considered for the same role in the 1931 Dracula movie. Being a good sport, Lugosi helped promote the horror-comedy by making a special guest appearance on The Abbott and Costello Show. While playing himself in one memorable sketch, the famed actor claimed to eat rattlesnake burgers for dinner and “shrouded wheat” for breakfast.

11. A CHIROPRACTOR FILLED IN FOR HIM IN PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.

Toward the end of his life, Lugosi worked on three ultra-low-budget science fiction pictures with Ed Wood, a man who’s been posthumously embraced as the worst director of all time. In the 1953 transvestite picture Glen or Glenda?, Lugosi plays a cryptic narrator who offers such random and unsolicited bits of advice as “Beware of the big, green dragon who sits on your doorstep.” Then came 1955’s Bride of the Monster, in which Lugosi played a mad scientist who ends up doing battle with a (suspiciously limp) giant octopus.

Before long, Wood had cooked up around half a dozen concepts for new films, all starring Lugosi. At some point in the spring of 1956, the director shot some quick footage of the actor wandering around a suburban neighborhood, clad in a baggy cloak. This proved to be the last time that the star would ever appear on film. Lugosi died of a heart attack on August 16, 1956;  he was 73 years old.

Three years after Lugosi's passing, this footage was spliced into a cult classic that Wood came to regard as his “pride and joy.” Plan 9 From Outer Space tells the twisted tale of extraterrestrial environmentalists who turn newly-deceased human beings into murderous zombies. Since Lugosi could obviously no longer play his character, Wood hired a stand-in for some additional scenes. Unfortunately, the man who was given this job—California chiropractor Tom Mason—was several inches taller than Lugosi. In an attempt to hide the height difference, Wood instructed Mason to constantly hunch over. Also, Mason always kept his face hidden behind a cloak.

12. HE WAS BURIED IN HIS DRACULA CAPE.

Although Lugosi resented the years of typecasting that followed his breakout performance in Dracula, he asked to be laid to rest wearing the Count’s signature garment. Lugosi was buried under a simple tombstone at California's Holy Cross Cemetery.

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How to Carve a Pumpkin—And Not Injure Yourself in the Process
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Wielding a sharp knife with slippery hands around open flames and nearby children doesn't sound like the best idea—but that's exactly what millions of Halloween celebrations entail. While pumpkin carving is a fun tradition, it can also bring the risk of serious hand injuries. According to the American Society for Surgery of the Hand (ASSH), some wounds sustained from pumpkin misadventure can result in surgery and months of rehabilitation.

Fortunately, there are easy ways to minimize trauma. Both ASSH and CTV News have compiled safety tips for pumpkin carvers intended to reduce the chances of a trip to the emergency room.

First, it's recommended that carvers tackle their design with knives made specifically for carving. Kitchen knives are sharp and provide a poor grip when trying to puncture tough pumpkin skin: Pumpkin carving knives have slip-resistant handles and aren't quite as sharp, while kitchen knives can get wedged in, requiring force to pull them out.

Carvers should also keep the pumpkin intact while carving, cleaning out the insides later. Why? Once a pumpkin has been gutted, you’re likely to stick your free hand inside to brace it, opening yourself up to an inadvertent stab from your knife hand. When you do open it up, it's better to cut from the bottom: That way, the pumpkin can be lowered over a light source rather than risk a burn dropping one in from the top.

Most importantly, parents would be wise to never let their kids assist in carving without supervision, and should always work in a brightly-lit area. Adults should handle the knife, while children can draw patterns and scoop out innards. According to Consumer Reports, kids ages 10 to 14 tend to suffer the most Halloween-related accidents, so keeping carving duties to ages 14 and above is a safe bet.

If all else fails and your carving has gone awry, have a first aid kit handy and apply pressure to any wound to staunch bleeding. With some common sense, however, it's unlikely your Halloween celebration will turn into a blood sacrifice.

[h/t CTV News]

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