11 Patron Saints for Your Modern-Day Calamities

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There are plenty of saints that cater to modern-day issues if you know where to look. Here are the patrons of 11 problems you’re sure to encounter in 2013.

1. The Patron Saint of Phantom Cell Phone Vibrations - Gabriel the Archangel

You’ve been there: the panicky moments pawing through your purse or stuffed coat pockets for your vibrating phone, only to finally locate it and realize that you had completely hallucinated the entire thing. To ensure that such a minor irritant never happens again, dial up Gabriel the Archangel, the patron saint of telephones and telecommunications. He’s the saint of these things thanks to his role as messenger from God to humans, which is either way easier or a whole lot harder now that we have text messaging.

2. The Patron Saint of Etsy - St. Luke

Did you get a bad review from a disgruntled buyer? Stiffed by someone whose credit card was rejected after you already dropped their cardboard moose head in the mail? Pray to St. Luke, the patron of craftworkers, which encompasses everything from lace makers to sculptors. If you want to get even more specific, Saint Brieuc is the patron saint of purse makers, the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin answers to the calls of ribbon makers and Celestine V is the patron saint of bookbinders.

3. The Patron Saint of Questionable TV Plots - Clare of Assisi

When you're convinced that the writers of your favorite show are steering the characters in directions they would never really go (looking at you, Ryan Murphy), pray to Clare of Assisi, the patron saint of television writers. Clare is the saint of all things TV-related because she once saw and heard Christmas mass even though it was taking place miles away from the bed she was confined to.

4. The Patron Saint of Cracked iPhone Screens - Clare of Assisi

Likewise, turn to Clare when your iPhone has just landed facedown on the concrete thanks to your toddler’s fit of rage over that Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood app you accidentally deleted. Clare’s prowess over all things screen-related may just mean your glass will be intact when you retrieve Siri from the ground.

5. The Patron Saint of Sore Eyes - St. Augustine of Hippo

If, like many of us, you suffer from eye fatigue at the end of a long day of looking at spreadsheets, Word docs and Gawker, look no further than St. Augustine of Hippo, who is (very specifically) the patron saint of pooped peepers.

6. The Patron Saint of Homebrew - St. Augustine of Hippo

Before he “converted from a life of loose living,” old Augie was quite the playboy. It’s said that he finally abandoned his heathen ways by suddenly turning to a similarly hard-partying buddy and announcing, “Unlearned people are taking Heaven by force, while we, with all our knowledge, are so cowardly that we keep rolling around in the mud of our sins!"

If you’re still rolling around in the mud of your sins by concocting delicious homebrewed hop juice, give a shout out to Augustine of Hippo to ensure your next batch is top notch. Just make sure it’s Augustine of Hippo. There are at least a dozen St. Augustines and you really don’t want to mess up your brew.

7. The Patron Saint of Lost Keys - Saint Zita of Lucca

Lost your damn car keys again? Misplaced the key to your desk drawer at work? Or perhaps you’ve found yourself in an embarrassing situation. Say a quick prayer to Zita, who, as a teenager, was entrusted with the keys to the house where she was a maid. Incidentally, Zita is also the patron to servants.

Her corpse is considered incorruptible by the Catholic Church, so pay a visit to Zita the next time you’re in Lucca, Italy.

8. The Patron Saint of Wikipedia - St. Isidore of Seville

If you’re reading something on Wikipedia that you’re pretty sure is completely false, turn to Isidore of Seville for guidance. Not only is he the patron saint of the Internet, he was so-named because of his prolific writings, including a dictionary, an encyclopedia, a history of Goths and a history of the world beginning with creation. We’re pretty sure an archiver like that wouldn’t stand for Wikipedia shenanigans.

9. The Patron Saint of Lost Luggage - St. Anthony of Padua

With the help of Anthony of Padua, you’ll never leave the airport empty-handed again. Anthony’s renown for finding lost things actually happened long after he died: When a relic of his went mysteriously missing, Anthony’s followers prayed that it would be returned safely. A “novice” was then motivated to return the prayer book after receiving visions of an angry Anthony. Quick, everyone start praying for the rescue of Hoggle.

10. The Patron Saint of Oversleeping - St. Vitus

Do you have the tendency to sleep through your alarm? Or, like me, simply turn it off while you’re still 95 percent asleep? Give a nod to St. Vitus, though his tie to oversleeping is both thin and disturbing. When the teenage convert to Christianity was thrown into a pot of boiling oil as punishment for his religious preference, a rooster was added to the cauldron as part of the sacrifice. The bird has since become a symbol for Vitus, hence his interest in helping you get to work on time.

Vitus is also connected to epidemic dancing.

11. The Patron Saint of Bloggers - St. Expeditus

There are a handful of saints out there who might pay attention to the pleas of a stressed-out blogger. St. Francis de Sales, the patron saint of writers, authors and journalists, would probably lend an ear to your cause. But my personal go-to would be St. Expeditus, the patron of all things procrastination. Legend has it that Expeditus was confronted by a crow (the devil in disguise, of course) the day he decided to convert to Christianity. “Do it tomorrow,” the crow said, “Today you can read a bunch of gossip blogs and watch an obscene amount of HGTV.” But Expeditus would not be deterred, saying, “I’ll be a Christian today!”

November 1, 2013 - 12:53pm
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