11 Tips for Growing the World's Longest Mustache

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Image credit: Guinness World Records

While an everyday ‘stache might gain you a cult following or a cameo on Reno 911, a truly magnificent mustache could catapult you into the Guinness Book of World Records. Here are eleven tips to help you grow the world’s longest mustache, including tricks from the current record holder himself.

1. Never shave—NEVER! Contrary to popular belief, shaving won’t make your ‘stache grow back faster or thicker. Instead, it gives hair a blunt tip, making stubble appear coarser and darker without actually altering its rate of growth.

2. Groom it like a toy poodle. Ram Singh Chauhan holds the honorable distinction of having the longest mustache on record. He recently told BBC News that he spends an hour each day grooming his 'stache. He massages it with coconut-based oil daily and washes it every 10 days.

3. Get an early start. If you want to sprout a truly enviable mustache, it’s imperative to start young. Testosterone levels decrease with age, slowing hair growth in older men. Additionally, young guys’ facial hair is more durable, meaning that a twentysomething’s ‘stache is less prone to breakage.

4. Invest in a quality snood. This handy device consists of a gauze band that fastens around a mustache to help protect it during sleep. When used properly, a snood keeps rowdy mustache hairs from going on a nighttime hell-bound bender while no one’s watching.

5. Eat Clean. Because you’ll be eating for two, your dietary choices are more important than ever. To maximize hair growth, eat a diet filled with protein and healthy fats. To minimize glares from fellow diners at restaurants, avoid spaghetti, barbecue ribs, and tacos. Sloppy Joes are acceptable only if napkins are within handy reach.

6. Take your vitamins. Vitamins won’t turn Mr. Clean into Chewbacca, but they can ensure that hair is growing at maximum speed. Aspiring mustache record-holders should take a daily dose of B-complex vitamins, which should include B-3, B-6, B-12, and biotin. Moreover, take vitamin C to promote further hair growth and vitamin E to encourage blood circulation to hair follicles.

7. Dip it in beer. This advice comes from Steve Parsons of the Handlebar Club via Kurt Soller of Esquire.

8. Join the American Mustache Institute. The organization (whose website even has a .org domain) is “dedicated to protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth of the mustache.” It’s pretty much the facial hair equivalent of the ACLU. The AMI offers support to victims of mustache stereotyping and organizes events for mustached men who wish to be around like-minded individuals.

9. Move to Chicago. According to the AMI’s (very) official behavioral economics report, the Windy City is the most mustache-friendly town in America. Rankings were calculated using a few indicators of mustache positivity, including motorcycles, monster trucks, shooting ranges, pontoon boats, Miller Light, pork rinds, and law enforcement officials per capita.

10. Don’t join the military. The U.S. armed services have some pretty strict standards for facial hair grooming. Mustaches must be confined within two imaginary lines drawn upward from the corners of the mouth. And individual hairs may not be longer than ½ inch, so you won’t be setting any records.

11. No pain, no gain. Chauhan acknowledges that having a 14-foot mustache can be a tad cumbersome. To keep it out of the way, he covers it with cloth matching his outfit and wraps it around his neck. While your ‘stache might become itchy and irritating as it gets longer, the distinction of possessing the world’s longest mustache is well worth a few growing pains.

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July 11, 2012 - 7:44pm
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