CLOSE

5 Surprising Things Joel Stein Now Knows About Masculinity

Joel Stein's new book Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity hit stores yesterday. On Friday, we're going to give away a copy. For now, here are a few things he learned about the world of masculinity while researching the book.

When you put off learning how to be a man for 37 years, a lot of things shock you. Like that real men don’t smile. Or talk. Which made learning from them more difficult. But by watching and listening and focusing on not getting hurt, these are some surprising facts I learned about the world of masculinity.

1. You Cannot Shoot A Turkey You Happen Upon
Part of becoming a man included learning to hunt my own food, but I quickly discovered there’s a hunter’s code you cannot break. It’s considered way beyond bad sportsmanship to kill a turkey you see. That’s not “the game.” The game is to pretend you’re a hot female turkey that wants to have sex with a male turkey by making horny turkey noises and scratching the ground in really slutty ways. It's only when an excited male turkey approaches you for sex that you are then allowed to shoot him in the face. This is far more civil. I am not sure turkeys see it that way.

2. Being Choked Out Doesn’t Involve Choking
While training to go a full round with UFC fighter Randy Couture, I was choked out twice, professionally. I learned that being choked out doesn’t actually involve any choking. Instead, the choker aims to block the chokee’s blood from traveling through the carotid artery, causing the brain to lose oxygen and shut off. This is supposed to be nicer, but I don’t know. Both times, I feigned falling asleep to get out of it. And both times it hurt like hell.

3. The Current Health Care System Doesn’t Work… for Firefighters

During my 24 hours with a house of firefighters in Los Angeles, I only got to go to one fire. And it was at a sushi restaurant. After it closed. Yes, they brought the arson unit in. But mostly they spent all day on ambulance calls. When they take someone to the hospital – and they have to take anyone who calls 911 and asks to go to a hospital no matter how much they actually don’t need to go to a hospital – the firefighters have to wait not only while the person gets checked in, but until they see a doctor. I also learned that firefighters are indeed much better looking than you or me, and I don’t think that’s how we should be selecting our life savers. Restaurant hostesses, sure. People who save our burning homes, no.

4. Lamborghinis Are Hilarious
Part of becoming a man meant driving a Lamborghini Superleggera for three days. Obviously. And what you may not know is a Lamborghini makes anyone who sits in it giggle. Everyone from my three-year old to writer friends couldn’t help giggling when the Lambo took off like a rollercoaster. It’s also the only car - to my knowledge - that comes standard with a fire extinguisher in the back. Though, to increase my manliness, I have now put one in the back of my yellow convertible Mini Cooper, next to the baby seat.

5. The Easiest Way To Get a Break In Boot Camp: Fainting
After less than three hours in army boot camp at Fort Knox, before I had done any physical activity whatsoever, I fainted. Admittedly, it was a Kentucky summer, I had barely slept, people were screaming at me, and no one had told me not to lock my knees. After fainting, however, everyone stopped yelling at me, plus I got to drink a Pedialyte and sit by a refreshing fan. For anyone starting boot camp, I recommend fainting as soon as possible.

Stop by Friday for your chance to win a copy, or order yours right now.

nextArticle.image_alt|e
arrow
video
Bone Broth 101
5669938080001

Whether you drink it on its own or use it as stock, bone broth is the perfect recipe to master this winter. Special thanks to the Institute of Culinary Education

nextArticle.image_alt|e
iStock
arrow
science
Why Can Parrots Talk and Other Birds Can't?
iStock
iStock

If you've ever seen a pirate movie (or had the privilege of listening to this avian-fronted metal band), you're aware that parrots have the gift of human-sounding gab. Their brains—not their beaks—might be behind the birds' ability to produce mock-human voices, the Sci Show's latest video explains below.

While parrots do have articulate tongues, they also appear to be hardwired to mimic other species, and to create new vocalizations. The only other birds that are capable of vocal learning are hummingbirds and songbirds. While examining the brains of these avians, researchers noted that their brains contain clusters of neurons, which they've dubbed song nuclei. Since other birds don't possess song nuclei, they think that these structures probably play a key role in vocal learning.

Parrots might be better at mimicry than hummingbirds and songbirds thanks to a variation in these neurons: a special shell layer that surrounds each one. Birds with larger shell regions appear to be better at imitating other creatures, although it's still unclear why.

Learn more about parrot speech below (after you're done jamming out to Hatebeak).

SECTIONS

arrow
LIVE SMARTER
More from mental floss studios