18 Metaphors and Analogies Found in Actual Student Papers (Or Not—But They're Still Hilarious)

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iStock

Okay, so we can't be 100 percent positive that these are from "actual" student papers. [Update: They are not.]

1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free.

2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

5. He was as tall as a 6-foot, 3-inch tree.

6. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

7. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy! comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

8. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

9. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

10. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

11. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

12. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

13. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.

15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

16. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

17. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

18. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

[These metaphors and similes came from the Washington Post Style Invitational Bad Simile and Metaphor Contest.]

Now You Can Wear Your Favorite Dunkin' Coffee Flavor as Nail Polish

Dunkin'
Dunkin'

Dunkin'—the coffee chain formerly known as Dunkin' Donuts—is getting into the beauty business. For a limited time, nail polish inspired by Dunkin's flavored coffees will be available at select nail salons across the country.

The nail polish line includes eight freshly brewed shades. Three pay homage to Dunkin's new signature lattes—cocoa mocha, caramel craze, and blueberry crisp—and three are inspired by the seasonal Baskin-Robbins ice cream-flavored coffees: butter pecan, pistachio almond fudge, and banana split. Nail polishes in Dunkin's iconic pink and orange color palette are also available.

The collection is a collaboration between Dunkin' and the vegan-friendly nail polish company Lauren B. Beauty. While supplies last, the products will be available at certain nail salons in 10 cities where Dunkin' operates, including Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, and Boston. Each purchase of the branded nail polish comes with a $3 Dunkin' gift card. To see if a salon in your area is participating, check out the map below.

Dunkin' isn't the first fast food chain to release its own nail polish line. In 2016, KFC released edible "finger-licking" nail polish that, yes, tasted like chicken.

Australian Family Walking Dog Named Lucky Discovers $24,000 Gold Nugget

iStock.com/scyther5
iStock.com/scyther5

An Australian dog named Lucky has lived up to his name. As the Bendigo Advertiser reports, a family from Bendigo in Victoria were walking their pet on May 12 when they literally stumbled upon a hunk of rock resembling gold on the ground. Experts have confirmed that the 20-ounce nugget is indeed gold, and in its intact state it's worth an estimated $24,000.

A father and his two daughters—who wish to remain anonymous—were taking their dog Lucky for a morning walk when one of the girls hit something with her foot. She noticed it wasn't an ordinary rock, and asked her Dad if it might be gold. He suspected it was and took their find to a nearby supermarket to weigh it on the deli scale.

Weighing over a pound, the gold nugget could earn the family a small fortune if they wish to sell it. The father says he does plan to find a buyer eventually; he had been struggling financially, and he told the Bendigo Advertiser the lucky event "couldn't be better timing."

The family has decided to keep the location of the discovery a secret. They plan to go for more walks in the area in hopes of striking gold twice.

[h/t Bendigo Advertiser]

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