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Dr. Ruth's Game of Good Sex and Other Absurd Celebrity Video Games

Making a good video game is incredibly difficult. It requires loads of talent, creativity, hard work and time. In contrast, making a bad video game is rather easy. Hand the task off to an intern or, barring that, a hyper 6-year-old, then kick back, drink a half rack of Hamm’s and watch Gossip Girl.

Selling that bad video game, on the other hand, is tough. But it’s nothing a fat endorsement check to a celebrity won’t cure.

1. Steven Seagal is the Final Option

The title of this game is probably the most accurate phrase ever uttered. No matter what life throws at you, Steven Seagal should only be the Final Option in all circumstances. Seagal’s problem solving method relies exclusively on broken necks and crotch punching, which isn’t appropriate for all of life’s tribulations. After all, leaving a pile of spine-severed Gap employees seems a bit extreme just to return a cable knit sweater.

Back in 1993, video game developer TecMagik announced work on a Steven Seagal video game, touting their project as the first celebrity licensed video game. Plus the game would use the images of live actors as digitized sprites, ala Mortal Kombat, for that extra bit of realism. Strangely enough, their licensed action star doesn’t actually appear in the game besides the title screen. He's played by a look-a-like because TecMagik admitted the resolution of their “real life” graphics was so low you couldn’t tell the difference. In fact, the resolution is so low, they could have had Danny DeVito stand in and you wouldn’t know the difference. Actually, the way Steven looks these days you might not know the difference in real life either.

Despite the lack of his physical presence in the game, Seagal involved himself heavily in the production, shaping the game’s story. And what’s that story? Something about saving a woman’s son by walking through a munitions factory and murdering every lab technician and maintenance worker in your way.

That's right, as Steven Seagal you bring swift, yet merciless, death to civilians and wage slaves who patiently wait for you to judo chop them into oblivion. That company must have the most overworked HR department.

Even though Tecmagik crafted 18 levels of Steven Seagal is The Final Option, the game never saw release. Plenty of people seem to have played the unfinished game. You could blame the game’s failure on the economics of the game industry at the time or over-estimating the draw of the ever-puffying (or-as I call it-“The Puffening”) actor. However, I like to think Tecmagik simply couldn’t release the game because, due to undiluted badassery, once you inserted the cartridge, the game would throat punch your Super Nintendo until it exploded.

2. Dr. Ruth's Game of Good Sex

Slap on your Swatches and Snap Bracelets because we’re going back to 1986, the year Geraldo opened Capone’s vault (and found nothing but moonshine), Tom Cruise taught us all about the need for speed ,and a pushy little German lady kept telling the world how to have sex.

If you owned a Commodore 64, you had the opportunity to play Dr. Ruth's Game of Good Sex—perhaps the closest thing to sex avid Commodore 64 users ever achieved. And how saucy did Dr. Ruth’s game get? How about “multiple choice” saucy? Yep, the game with the provocative title (by 80’s standards) proved nothing more than a sex quiz. More people have learned about sex by taking a trip to the farm.

3. Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

“Be Like Mike”: it was the mantra for a generation, whether you watched basketball or not. Everyone wanted to be like Michael Jordan. So naturally a video game allowing you to do exactly that must be a no-brainer. And thus EA’s Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City synthesized exactly what it’s like to “be like Mike” by letting you hurl flaming basketballs at zombies.

Huh?

Any Michael Jordan game could have offered up the ability to smash the glass and hang in the air longer than Baron Harkonnen (Dune reference, you’re welcome). However, the overachievers at EA thought it would make a much more interesting challenge to craft a Michael Jordan game that had very little to do with basketball. Besides murder by basketball, the only basketball-type activity in the game is every now and then a basketball hoop appears and Mike must take a quick break from bludgeoning the undead (or anyone trying to take your picture, really) for a slam dunk.

The combination of a basketball legend with a barely tangentially related to basketball concept made for an offering gamers found easy to refuse. Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City made the Top 10 list of Worst Games in the ever charitable Nintendo Power. Did I forget to mention the zombies have basketballs for heads?

4. Home Improvement

Kids, the most important part of making video games is not the graphics, the game play design or controls. No, all you need for a great game is a licensing deal. And it really doesn’t matter what license you get. Make a Pet Rock game or a 60 Minutes game (Morley Safer and Andy Rooney fight inside a dumpster to the death) or, in this case, Home Improvement. How do you transform a domestic comedy into a fun video game? Have Tim Allen chase dinosaurs with a nail gun. Wait, what? Look kid, it doesn’t have to make sense because making video games is hard and shut up and buy the game. The only one who found anything funny about this version of Home Improvement was Tim Allen, chuckling to himself as he cashed the licensing check.

5. Chuck Norris Kung Fu Superkicks

This game proves that Chuck Norris can’t even take a walk without get hailed by a tickertape parade of blood and broken teeth. Chuck Norris walks toward a distant monastery while incredibly ill-informed thugs try to stand in his way. Said thugs almost spontaneously explode into pink mist. Or at least, they should in a Chuck Norris game. But it turns out Chuck Norris Kung Fu Superkicks is so hard only Chuck Norris could beat it.

The reason for the heightened difficulty was the game actually did something a little revolutionary for the year 1983: it featured fighting combos. Almost a decade before Mortal Kombat, Chuck Norris Kung Fu Superkicks asked gamers to memorize complex joystick warping, button mashing sequences on their Atari 2600. And since Chuck Norris was little more than a loose collection of pixels on the screen, you never knew if you’d landed a combo with success. Of course, none of this matters if you’re Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris loses in a video game, it’s the game that dies.

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Food
Hate Red M&M's? You Need a Candy Color-Sorting Machine
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iStock

You don’t have to be a demanding rock star to live a life without brown M&M's or purple Skittles—all you need is some engineering know-how and a little bit of free time.

Mechanical engineering student Willem Pennings created a machine that can take small pieces of candy—like M&M's, Skittles, Reese’s Pieces, etc.—and sort them by color into individual piles. All Pennings needs to do is pour the candy into the top funnel; from there, the machine separates the candy—around two pieces per second—and dispenses all of it into smaller bowls at the bottom designated for each variety.

The color identification is performed with an RGB sensor that takes “optical measurements” of candy pieces of equal dimensions. There are limitations, though, as Pennings revealed in a Reddit Q&A: “I wouldn't be able to use this machine for peanut M&M's, since the sizes vary so much.”

The entire building process lasted from May through December 2016, and included the actual conceptualization, 3D printing (which was outsourced), and construction. The entire project was detailed on Pennings’s website and Reddit's DIY page.

With all of the motors, circuitry, and hardware that went into it, Pennings’s machine is likely too ambitious of a task for the average candy aficionado. So until a machine like this hits the open market, you're probably stuck buying bags of single-colored M&M’s in bulk online or sorting all of the candy out yourself the old fashioned way.

To see Pennings’s machine in action, check out the video below:

[h/t Refinery 29]

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Pop Culture
The Strange Hidden Link Between Silent Hill and Kindergarten Cop
Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

by Ryan Lambie

At first glance, Kindergarten Cop and Silent Hill don't seem to have much in common—aside from both being products of the 1990s. At the beginning of the decade came Kindergarten Cop, the hit comedy directed by Ivan Reitman and starring larger-than-life action star Arnold Schwarzenegger. At the decade’s end came Silent Hill, Konami’s best-selling survival horror game that sent shivers down PlayStation owners’ spines.

As pop culture artifacts go, they’re as different as oil and water. Yet eagle-eyed players may have noticed a strange hidden link between the video game and the goofy family comedy.

In Silent Hill, you control Harry Mason, a father hunting for his daughter Cheryl in the eerily deserted town of the title. Needless to say, the things Mason uncovers are strange and very, very gruesome. Early on in the game, Harry stumbles on a school—Midwich Elementary School, to be precise—which might spark a hint of déjà vu as soon as you approach its stone steps. The building’s double doors and distinctive archway appear to have been taken directly from Kindergarten Cop’s Astoria Elementary School.

Could it be a coincidence?

Well, further clues can be found as you venture inside. As well as encountering creepy gray children and other horrors, you’ll notice that its walls are decorated with numerous posters. Some of those posters—including a particularly distinctive one with a dog on it—also decorated the halls of the school in Kindergarten Cop.

Do a bit more hunting, and you’ll eventually find a medicine cabinet clearly modeled on one glimpsed in the movie. Most creepily of all, you’ll even encounter a yellow school bus that looks remarkably similar to the one in the film (though this one has clearly seen better days).

Silent Hill's references to the movie are subtle—certainly subtle enough for them to pass the majority of players by—but far too numerous to be a coincidence. When word of the link between game and film began to emerge in 2012, some even joked that Konami’s Silent Hill was a sequel to Kindergarten Cop. So what’s really going on?

When Silent Hill was in early development back in 1996, director Keiichiro Toyama set out to make a game that was infused with influences from some of his favorite American films and TV shows. “What I am a fan of is occult stuff and UFO stories and so on; that and I had watched a lot of David Lynch films," he told Polygon in 2013. "So it was really a matter of me taking what was on my shelves and taking the more horror-oriented aspects of what I found.”

A scene from 'Silent Hill'
Divine Tokyoska, Flickr

In an interview with IGN much further back, in 2001, a member of Silent Hill’s staff also stated, “We draw our influences from all over—fiction, movies, manga, new and old.”

So while Kindergarten Cop is perhaps the most outlandish movie reference in Silent Hill, it’s by no means the only one. Cafe5to2, another prominent location in the game, is taken straight from Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers.

Elsewhere, you might spot a newspaper headline which references The Silence Of The Lambs (“Bill Skins Fifth”). Look carefully, and you'll also find nods to such films as The Shining, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Psycho, and 12 Monkeys.

Similarly, the town’s streets are all named after respected sci-fi and horror novelists, with Robert Bloch, Dean Koontz, Ray Bradbury, and Richard Matheson among the most obvious. Oh, and Midwich, the name of the school? That’s taken from the classic 1957 novel The Midwich Cuckoos by John Wyndham, twice adapted for the screen as The Village Of The Damned in 1960 and 1995.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Kindergarten Cop'
Universal Pictures

The reference to Kindergarten Cop could, therefore, have been a sly joke on the part of Silent Hill’s creators—because what could be stranger than modeling something in a horror game on a family-friendly comedy? But there could be an even more innocent explanation: that Kindergarten Cop spends so long inside an ordinary American school simply gave Toyama and his team plenty of material to reference when building their game.

Whatever the reasons, the Kindergarten Cop reference ranks highly among the most strange and unexpected film connections in the history of the video game medium. Incidentally, the original movie's exteriors used a real school, John Jacob Astor Elementary in Astoria, Oregon. According to a 1991 article in People Magazine, the school's 400 fourth grade students were paid $35 per day to appear in Kindergarten Cop as extras.

It’s worth pointing out that the school is far less scary a place than the video game location it unwittingly inspired, and to the best of our knowledge, doesn't have an undercover cop named John Kimble serving as a teacher there, either.

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