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The Late Movies: White People Rapping Poorly

The Tumblr White People Rapping Poorly is devoted to cataloging, you guessed it: bad raps by white people. It's off the hook...um...y'all. Their mission statement: "Science has show that for every Eminem, there are approximately 598,467 white people that try to rap but can't. This is devoted to bringing you the best of the worst."

Blazin Hazen

A classic. Sort of.

Denny Blaze writes: "I'm just a middle class guy who's trying to express myself through my rap music. Once you watch my video, you'll just be BLAZED! This is THE ORIGINAL FULL LENGTH VIDEO including an MTV message!!!!"

Cookin' With Gas

The video's poster writes: "An educational rap video on the natural gas cooking safety that I performed in. What a crazy awful mullet!" Note: contains at least one non-white person rapping. The quality of said rapping is unaffected.

Liberal Democrats Rap

Actual lyrics: "Get the Lib Dems / in the house by the Thames / and the country'll be all right / so you can sleep tight." The video's posters do include this note: "DISCLAIMER: This video should be taken with a tongue in cheek approach."

BioRap (DNA Replication and Protein Synthesis with a Beat)

The site's author writes:

This, without exaggeration, is the worst thing I have ever posted here. It is everything that this site is based on rolled into one. Terrible topic, awful rapping, [expletive] video, and the cherry on top: Splicing in random clips of black guys rapping to give it some semblance of street cred. I normally don't explicitly ask people to reblog things, but if you haven't, this is the one. The world needs to know about this so that it never happens again.

Twilight Rap

Spoiler alert: this video kinda ruins the plot of Twilight. And these girls' street cred.

Math Teacher Raps Run This Town (Jay-Z) - Quadratic Equation / Formula

Points for effort, I guess. The site's author writes:

There's a bunch of videos of math teachers taking equations and problems and making them into raps. They're all terrible, and I suggest if you have some time look at the related videos if you want to cry about the current state of humanity....

Tufts Rap (Featuring Harry Potter References)

Laura Potel wanted to go to Tufts. Let's hope this rap helped.

MC Frontalot: A White Person Rapping Properly

My favorite nerdcore rapper shows us how it's done. (Warning: contains some NSFW language.)

Lots More

Check out White People Rapping Poorly or their Twitter feed for all the bad rap you can handle.

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Bleat Along to Classic Holiday Tunes With This Goat Christmas Album
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Feeling a little Grinchy this month? The Sweden branch of ActionAid, an international charity dedicated to fighting global poverty, wants to goat—errr ... goad—you into the Christmas spirit with their animal-focused holiday album: All I Want for Christmas is a Goat.

Fittingly, it features the shriek-filled vocal stylings of a group of festive farm animals bleating out classics like “Jingle Bells,” “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and “O Come All Ye Faithful.” The recording may sound like a silly novelty release, but there's a serious cause behind it: It’s intended to remind listeners how the animals benefit impoverished communities. Goats can live in arid nations that are too dry for farming, and they provide their owners with milk and wool. In fact, the only thing they can't seem to do is, well, sing. 

You can purchase All I Want for Christmas is a Goat on iTunes and Spotify, or listen to a few songs from its eight-track selection below.

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What Are the 12 Days of Christmas?
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Everyone knows to expect a partridge in a pear tree from your true love on the first day of Christmas ... But when is the first day of Christmas?

You'd think that the 12 days of Christmas would lead up to the big day—that's how countdowns work, as any year-end list would illustrate—but in Western Christianity, "Christmas" actually begins on December 25th and ends on January 5th. According to liturgy, the 12 days signify the time in between the birth of Christ and the night before Epiphany, which is the day the Magi visited bearing gifts. This is also called "Twelfth Night." (Epiphany is marked in most Western Christian traditions as happening on January 6th, and in some countries, the 12 days begin on December 26th.)

As for the ubiquitous song, it is said to be French in origin and was first printed in England in 1780. Rumors spread that it was a coded guide for Catholics who had to study their faith in secret in 16th-century England when Catholicism was against the law. According to the Christian Resource Institute, the legend is that "The 'true love' mentioned in the song is not an earthly suitor, but refers to God Himself. The 'me' who receives the presents refers to every baptized person who is part of the Christian Faith. Each of the 'days' represents some aspect of the Christian Faith that was important for children to learn."

In debunking that story, Snopes excerpted a 1998 email that lists what each object in the song supposedly symbolizes:

2 Turtle Doves = the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

There is pretty much no historical evidence pointing to the song's secret history, although the arguments for the legend are compelling. In all likelihood, the song's "code" was invented retroactively.

Hidden meaning or not, one thing is definitely certain: You have "The Twelve Days of Christmas" stuck in your head right now.

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