Liquid Ass, Inflatable Toast, and Other Strange Items Available Now on Amazon.com

You can buy just about everything on Amazon.com these days: books, toys, gardening tools, $40,000 personal isolation chambers. Anything! In fact, the variety of buying options on Amazon is so great -- and so strange -- that I'm fairly certain some of its listings are fake, planted by prank-happy internet trolls, the descriptions to many of which include instructions like "DO NOT PURCHASE!" -- and they are hilarious.

Parent-Child Testing Product

I have no idea what the parent-child testing product, which retails for exactly $10,035.98, is supposed to do, or what the horrible alien spacesuit costume is used for, or where whoever planted this listing found that picture (I'd love to know).

Granted, the price seems pretty steep -- until you realize it's a five-pack. The best part might be the customer reviews, though. Here's a dissatisfied buyer:

Product is not as described, box contained a radio playing a haunting tune and now we're haunted by the ghost of a 43 year old man who wants to devour the souls of all children.

And here's a very satisfied customer. "The Old Grottomaster" wrote this five-star review:

I placed this intriguing figure in my Grotto and *peace* has prevailed ever since! Neither creatures of this world such as roaches, chiggers, cicadas, moles, ospidillos, Tasmanian devils, hornets, fleas, lice, millipedes, nor any of the otherworld (a *big* issue in my Grotto!) such as hob-goblins, orks, trolls, leprauchauns, or wood elves have plagued me since I did so.

Below, there is one discussion forum, written by a baffled Amazon-er.

Inflatable toast

The product description reads as follows: "Toast is great, but it's hard to keep in your pocket. So what do you do when you crave the warm comfort of toast but don't want to deal with the crumbs? You pull out your Inflatable Toast, blow it up and admire its realistic toasty goodness! Each soft vinyl slice of toast is 6" (15.2 cm) tall and has a standard inflation valve."

A reviewer writes: "I have used many different types of inflatable toast an I can say without question that this is the best inflatable toast out there. The toast inflates quickly and with ease..this is important when I am pressed for time and need inflatable toast at a moments notice."

Poop Freeze

This one sounds so real that it almost might be. But somehow I doubt it.

I even found a "commercial" for Poop Freeze on YouTube. Notice the purchase screen at the end, suspiciously absent of 800 numbers or websites where you can order a can.

But that's not all Amazon has to offer! Customers who purchased these items also viewed a six-pack of spotted dick, a spray-can of liquid ass, and the UFO Detector. What happens if you actually buy any of these items? Honestly, I wasn't brave enough to find out!

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Ernest Hemingway’s Guide to Life, In 20 Quotes
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Though he made his living as a writer, Ernest Hemingway was just as famous for his lust for adventure. Whether he was running with the bulls in Pamplona, fishing for marlin in Bimini, throwing back rum cocktails in Havana, or hanging out with his six-toed cats in Key West, the Nobel and Pulitzer Prize-winning author never did anything halfway. And he used his adventures as fodder for the unparalleled collection of novels, short stories, and nonfiction books he left behind, The Sun Also Rises, A Farewell to Arms, Death in the Afternoon, For Whom the Bell Tolls, and The Old Man and the Sea among them.

On what would be his 119th birthday—he was born in Oak Park, Illinois on July 21, 1899—here are 20 memorable quotes that offer a keen perspective into Hemingway’s way of life.

ON THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING

"I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen."

ON TRUST

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them."

ON DECIDING WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT

"I never had to choose a subject—my subject rather chose me."

ON TRAVEL

"Never go on trips with anyone you do not love."


Ernest Hemingway Photograph Collection, John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum, Boston. [1], Public Domain, Wikimedia Commons

ON THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN INTELLIGENCE AND HAPPINESS

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."

ON TRUTH

"There's no one thing that is true. They're all true."

ON THE DOWNSIDE OF PEOPLE

"The only thing that could spoil a day was people. People were always the limiters of happiness, except for the very few that were as good as spring itself."

ON SUFFERING FOR YOUR ART

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

ON TAKING ACTION

"Never mistake motion for action."

ON GETTING WORDS OUT

"I wake up in the morning and my mind starts making sentences, and I have to get rid of them fast—talk them or write them down."


Photograph by Mary Hemingway, in the Ernest Hemingway Photograph Collection, John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum, Boston., Public Domain, Wikimedia Commons

ON THE BENEFITS OF SLEEP

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

ON FINDING STRENGTH 

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."

ON THE TRUE NATURE OF WICKEDNESS

"All things truly wicked start from innocence."

ON WRITING WHAT YOU KNOW

"If a writer knows enough about what he is writing about, he may omit things that he knows. The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one ninth of it being above water."

ON THE DEFINITION OF COURAGE

"Courage is grace under pressure."

ON THE PAINFULNESS OF BEING FUNNY

"A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book."


By Ernest Hemingway Photograph Collection, John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum, Boston. - JFK Library, Public Domain, Wikimedia Commons

ON KEEPING PROMISES

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."

ON GOOD VS. EVIL

"About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after."

ON REACHING FOR THE UNATTAINABLE

"For a true writer, each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. Then sometimes, with great luck, he will succeed."

ON HAPPY ENDINGS

"There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it."

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