Amenities Available at the Original "Big Rock Candy Mountain"

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The song "Big Rock Candy Mountain" describes a hobo's paradise, featuring all the things a good hobo needs -- from lakes of whiskey to cigarette trees and lax law enforcement. I have compiled a list of the amenities available at the original Big Rock Candy Mountain below. Please contact our booking department for details regarding lodging; bindles are optional but strongly encouraged.

Featuring:

1. Crystal fountain
2. Land suitable for agriculture or recreation
3. Currency grows from bushes
4. Ample outdoor sleeping space
5. Empty boxcars abound
6. Daily sunshine
7. Birds, bees, and cigarette trees
8. Lemonade springs (incl. singing bluebirds)
9. Police officers sport prosthetic legs
10. Bulldogs whose jaws have been fitted with rubber teeth
11. Hens that lay soft-boiled eggs
12. Trees bear an abundance of fruit
13. Barns full of hay
14. No snow, fog, or wind (climate "fair and bright")
15. Socks never require changing
16. Streams of alcohol
17. Railroad brakemen are respectful towards hobos
18. Railroad police are blind
19. Lake of stew
20. Lake of whiskey too
21. Canoes available (for recreation in aforementioned lakes)
22. Jails feature shoddy tin construction
23. Penal system is excessively lenient
24. Shovels have handles of adequate length (or do not exist at all)
25. No axes, saws, or picks may be found
26. It is socially acceptable to sleep all day
27. Encouraging work is punishable by hanging

Certain PR personnel have incorrectly described the Big Rock Candy Mountain as featuring literal candy (e.g. peppermint trees and lakes of soda pop). These employees have been fired. The management apologizes for any confusion; the Big Rock Candy Mountain is intended for hobos only, not children. (The Littlest Hobo may visit, as long as he is not accompanied by non-hobos.)

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October 20, 2010 - 8:18am
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