Having never had a beard or mustache of my own (just some largish mutton chops during high school -- a mistake), I can only look on with slightly grossed-out wonder at people who have so much of it that they can enter, and win, facial hair contests. So look on with me, gentle readers, and let us gape in wonderment and gag in our mouths a little too, at EPIK BEARDS! like this one, which features a working beard door.

"That's what 1,600 toothpicks in one beard looks like." (Cue maniacal laughter.)

If you've ever wanted to see seven weeks of beard-growing happen in two minutes, here's your chance!

You might be a pedophile if ... you have a beard like this. FYI!

To be allowed to join the Handlebar Mustache Club, you must have "a hirsute appendage of the upper lip with graspable extremities."

This guy has a pretty epik beard, but it's nothing compared to the seven-foot-long, six-in-thick snake-cord-ball of dred that lives on top of his head. Holy lord a mussy.

An Indian man may have the world's longest mustache -- twelve feet, according to the good people at Guinness Book.

This Chinese man is one of the hairiest people on Earth -- he even has hair on his eyelids.