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7 Painful NFL Team Music Videos

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In the quaint times before they had Twitter and YouTube at their disposal, NFL teams could only express themselves in one way: through terrible, terrible songs. For a stretch between 1985 and the early 1990s, group songs featuring football teams were at least as popular as the West Coast offense, and each tune had its own music video. The '85 Bears started the trend, and since the NFL is a copycat league, other franchises jumped into the music biz. Here are a few of the finest examples of gridiron crooners.

1. 1985 Bears: "The Super Bowl Shuffle"

Of course, we have to start with the original team rap video. The juggernaut 1985 Chicago Bears recorded their famous tune to let the rest of the league know just how terrific they were, but the proceeds from the song actually went to charity. (That explains Walter Payton's verse about feeding the needy.) Current 49ers coach Mike Singletary also pulls off the feat of looking terrifying while also wearing 80s-style nerd glasses.

How popular was the Shuffle? It actually got a Grammy nomination for Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance—Duo or Group, in the same category as "Word Up" by Cameo and "Kiss" by Prince & The Revolution, who beat out The Monsters of the Midway for the award.

2. 1986 Raiders: "Silver and Black Attack"

Howie Long is a many of many talents: playing killer defense, analyzing games, shilling for Radio Shack"¦the man has covered a lot of bases. Unfortunately, though, he didn't drop rhymes quite as effortlessly as he dropped QBs. Check out this track by the 1986 Oakland Raiders, which features Long, Marcus Allen, and Matt Millen:

3. 1986 Rams: "Ram It"

The Los Angeles Rams may not have always been the most intimidating squad on the field, but when they stepped into the recording studio and morphed into the Rammers, anything was possible. The lyrical content alone of Rammers' mid-80s hit "Ram It" will make listeners forget everything they thought they knew about unintentional comedy.

4. 1985 Seahawks: "Locker Room Rock"

Ever want to see noted ticket scalper and former Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice try to motivate the moribund Seattle Seahawks' fanbase? This little ditty from 1985 should scratch that itch.

5. 1988 Eagles: "Buddy's Watching You"

The 1988 Philadelphia Eagles were under the watchful eye of head coach Buddy Ryan, and they wanted to let everyone know it. What better way than in song form? Elusive quarterback Randall Cunningham turns in a nice verse here, as does the late Reggie White, but the real showstopper is kicker Luis Zendejas' awkward, stilted delivery of his lines about being a nervous kicker.

6. 1988-89 (?) 49ers: "49ers Rap"

The 49ers of the '80s were quite a dynasty, and running back Roger Craig was not afraid to rap about it. Jerry Rice and the rest of his teammates weigh in, too. Rice's dance moves sure don't foreshadow his success on Dancing With the Stars.

[Editor's Note: Can any 49ers fans figure out exactly when this was recorded? Bill Walsh resigned on January 26, 1989, four days after San Francisco won their third Super Bowl. So it couldn't have been after that. So unless it was recorded between winning the title and losing their coach, calling themselves the "Team of the '80s" multiple times seems a bit presumptive. The Redskins had already won two titles and had been to a third Super Bowl that decade. These are the kinds of stupid things that keep me up at night. These things and the knowledge that at one point I owned multiple pairs of Zubaz pants. Keep watching. --Jason]

7. 1991 (?) Dolphins: "Can't Touch Us"

Nothing says "artistic integrity" quite like ripping off MC Hammer. That's what the Miami Dolphins did in this incredible tune by Cory and the Fins from the early "˜90s. It's hard to argue with any video that's got not only a cheesy opening skit, but also gratuitous use of Zubaz and dancing Hooters girls.

Bonus Baseball Clip: 1986 Dodgers: "The Baseball Boogie"

Making music videos seemed like so much fun that the 1986 Los Angeles Dodgers, also known as the Baseball Boogie Bunch, apparently couldn't resist joining in. Before I saw this, Orel Hershiser was at the top of my list of "Guys I Can't Picture as Music Video Background Dancers," but the proof is right here (though Orel did make an appearance in the 1991 support-the-troops anthem "Voices That Care"). Unfortunately, the Dodgers didn't play much better than they boogied; they finished the 1986 season with a 73-89 record, good for fifth place in the NL West. Keep your eyes peeled for Mike Scioscia and current Dodgers first base coach Mariano Duncan.

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iStock // Ekaterina Minaeva
Man Buys Two Metric Tons of LEGO Bricks; Sorts Them Via Machine Learning
May 21, 2017
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iStock // Ekaterina Minaeva

Jacques Mattheij made a small, but awesome, mistake. He went on eBay one evening and bid on a bunch of bulk LEGO brick auctions, then went to sleep. Upon waking, he discovered that he was the high bidder on many, and was now the proud owner of two tons of LEGO bricks. (This is about 4400 pounds.) He wrote, "[L]esson 1: if you win almost all bids you are bidding too high."

Mattheij had noticed that bulk, unsorted bricks sell for something like €10/kilogram, whereas sets are roughly €40/kg and rare parts go for up to €100/kg. Much of the value of the bricks is in their sorting. If he could reduce the entropy of these bins of unsorted bricks, he could make a tidy profit. While many people do this work by hand, the problem is enormous—just the kind of challenge for a computer. Mattheij writes:

There are 38000+ shapes and there are 100+ possible shades of color (you can roughly tell how old someone is by asking them what lego colors they remember from their youth).

In the following months, Mattheij built a proof-of-concept sorting system using, of course, LEGO. He broke the problem down into a series of sub-problems (including "feeding LEGO reliably from a hopper is surprisingly hard," one of those facts of nature that will stymie even the best system design). After tinkering with the prototype at length, he expanded the system to a surprisingly complex system of conveyer belts (powered by a home treadmill), various pieces of cabinetry, and "copious quantities of crazy glue."

Here's a video showing the current system running at low speed:

The key part of the system was running the bricks past a camera paired with a computer running a neural net-based image classifier. That allows the computer (when sufficiently trained on brick images) to recognize bricks and thus categorize them by color, shape, or other parameters. Remember that as bricks pass by, they can be in any orientation, can be dirty, can even be stuck to other pieces. So having a flexible software system is key to recognizing—in a fraction of a second—what a given brick is, in order to sort it out. When a match is found, a jet of compressed air pops the piece off the conveyer belt and into a waiting bin.

After much experimentation, Mattheij rewrote the software (several times in fact) to accomplish a variety of basic tasks. At its core, the system takes images from a webcam and feeds them to a neural network to do the classification. Of course, the neural net needs to be "trained" by showing it lots of images, and telling it what those images represent. Mattheij's breakthrough was allowing the machine to effectively train itself, with guidance: Running pieces through allows the system to take its own photos, make a guess, and build on that guess. As long as Mattheij corrects the incorrect guesses, he ends up with a decent (and self-reinforcing) corpus of training data. As the machine continues running, it can rack up more training, allowing it to recognize a broad variety of pieces on the fly.

Here's another video, focusing on how the pieces move on conveyer belts (running at slow speed so puny humans can follow). You can also see the air jets in action:

In an email interview, Mattheij told Mental Floss that the system currently sorts LEGO bricks into more than 50 categories. It can also be run in a color-sorting mode to bin the parts across 12 color groups. (Thus at present you'd likely do a two-pass sort on the bricks: once for shape, then a separate pass for color.) He continues to refine the system, with a focus on making its recognition abilities faster. At some point down the line, he plans to make the software portion open source. You're on your own as far as building conveyer belts, bins, and so forth.

Check out Mattheij's writeup in two parts for more information. It starts with an overview of the story, followed up with a deep dive on the software. He's also tweeting about the project (among other things). And if you look around a bit, you'll find bulk LEGO brick auctions online—it's definitely a thing!

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Sponsor Content: BarkBox
8 Common Dog Behaviors, Decoded
May 25, 2017
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Dogs are a lot more complicated than we give them credit for. As a result, sometimes things get lost in translation. We’ve yet to invent a dog-to-English translator, but there are certain behaviors you can learn to read in order to better understand what your dog is trying to tell you. The more tuned-in you are to your dog’s emotions, the better you’ll be able to respond—whether that means giving her some space or welcoming a wet, slobbery kiss. 

1. What you’ll see: Your dog is standing with his legs and body relaxed and tail low. His ears are up, but not pointed forward. His mouth is slightly open, he’s panting lightly, and his tongue is loose. His eyes? Soft or maybe slightly squinty from getting his smile on.

What it means: “Hey there, friend!” Your pup is in a calm, relaxed state. He’s open to mingling, which means you can feel comfortable letting friends say hi.

2. What you’ll see: Your dog is standing with her body leaning forward. Her ears are erect and angled forward—or have at least perked up if they’re floppy—and her mouth is closed. Her tail might be sticking out horizontally or sticking straight up and wagging slightly.

What it means: “Hark! Who goes there?!” Something caught your pup’s attention and now she’s on high alert, trying to discern whether or not the person, animal, or situation is a threat. She’ll likely stay on guard until she feels safe or becomes distracted.

3. What you’ll see: Your dog is standing, leaning slightly forward. His body and legs are tense, and his hackles—those hairs along his back and neck—are raised. His tail is stiff and twitching, not swooping playfully. His mouth is open, teeth are exposed, and he may be snarling, snapping, or barking excessively.

What it means: “Don’t mess with me!” This dog is asserting his social dominance and letting others know that he might attack if they don’t defer accordingly. A dog in this stance could be either offensively aggressive or defensively aggressive. If you encounter a dog in this state, play it safe and back away slowly without making eye contact.

4. What you’ll see: As another dog approaches, your dog lies down on his back with his tail tucked in between his legs. His paws are tucked in too, his ears are flat, and he isn’t making direct eye contact with the other dog standing over him.

What it means: “I come in peace!” Your pooch is displaying signs of submission to a more dominant dog, conveying total surrender to avoid physical confrontation. Other, less obvious, signs of submission include ears that are flattened back against the head, an avoidance of eye contact, a tongue flick, and bared teeth. Yup—a dog might bare his teeth while still being submissive, but they’ll likely be clenched together, the lips opened horizontally rather than curled up to show the front canines. A submissive dog will also slink backward or inward rather than forward, which would indicate more aggressive behavior.

5. What you’ll see: Your dog is crouching with her back hunched, tail tucked, and the corner of her mouth pulled back with lips slightly curled. Her shoulders, or hackles, are raised and her ears are flattened. She’s avoiding eye contact.

What it means: “I’m scared, but will fight you if I have to.” This dog’s fight or flight instincts have been activated. It’s best to keep your distance from a dog in this emotional state because she could attack if she feels cornered.

6. What you’ll see: You’re staring at your dog, holding eye contact. Your dog looks away from you, tentatively looks back, then looks away again. After some time, he licks his chops and yawns.

What it means: “I don’t know what’s going on and it’s weirding me out.” Your dog doesn’t know what to make of the situation, but rather than nipping or barking, he’ll stick to behaviors he knows are OK, like yawning, licking his chops, or shaking as if he’s wet. You’ll want to intervene by removing whatever it is causing him discomfort—such as an overly grabby child—and giving him some space to relax.

7. What you’ll see: Your dog has her front paws bent and lowered onto the ground with her rear in the air. Her body is relaxed, loose, and wiggly, and her tail is up and wagging from side to side. She might also let out a high-pitched or impatient bark.

What it means: “What’s the hold up? Let’s play!” This classic stance, known to dog trainers and behaviorists as “the play bow,” is a sign she’s ready to let the good times roll. Get ready for a round of fetch or tug of war, or for a good long outing at the dog park.

8. What you’ll see: You’ve just gotten home from work and your dog rushes over. He can’t stop wiggling his backside, and he may even lower himself into a giant stretch, like he’s doing yoga.

What it means: “OhmygoshImsohappytoseeyou I love you so much you’re my best friend foreverandeverandever!!!!” This one’s easy: Your pup is overjoyed his BFF is back. That big stretch is something dogs don’t pull out for just anyone; they save that for the people they truly love. Show him you feel the same way with a good belly rub and a handful of his favorite treats.

The best way to say “I love you” in dog? A monthly subscription to BarkBox. Your favorite pup will get a package filled with treats, toys, and other good stuff (and in return, you’ll probably get lots of sloppy kisses). Visit BarkBox to learn more.