It's my birthday, but I'm passing the savings along to you! (Or something like that.)
Because planning an actual party would be a logistical nightmare—what are the chances we could find a date that worked for everyone?—let's skip to the part where I hand out goodie bags. To celebrate the end of my roaring twenties, we're going to give away some magazines.
The first 30 people from the U.S. or Canada to email email@example.com will get a free back issue of mental_floss magazine. If you're already a subscriber and would like to give an issue to a friend, just explain that in the email and provide that person's address. But type quickly, because an offer like this won't come around again until my 40th birthday in 2019. Or maybe when office dog Bailey turns 30 in dog years (early '10).
Now, what's likely to happen here is this: we'll get 400 "I'll take a free magazine!" emails in the next half-hour, leaving 370 of you disappointed. That sounds like a pretty crappy party, even by fake party standards. So I'll pick 10 other people at random to receive t-shirts and books to cushion the stinging blow of disappointment.
[Note: Those are the actual goodie bags my wife assembled for our daughter's 1st birthday party last week. We forgot all about them until everyone had left. Do Smarties and Dum Dums keep?]