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The Quick 15: The Forbes Fictional 15

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You're probably familiar with the Forbes magazine lists: richest people in the world, most expensive zip codes to live in, best companies to work for. But let it be known that Forbes has a sense of humor, too: last month they announced the Forbes Fictional 15, a list of the 15 richest fictional people of the year. Below is a short summary of their fabulously funny list, but I highly recommend checking out the real thing so you get all of the quips and inside jokes.

1. Uncle Sam. Why? "˜Cause he can print his own money, of course. Net Worth: Infinite.
scrooge2. Scrooge McDuck. Thanks to his famous frugality, he's apparently worth $29.1 billion.
3. Richie Rich. Although he's #3 on the list, he would have been higher had it not been for "ill-timed investments in Web 2.0 start-ups." Net Worth: $12.3 billion.
4. Gordon Gekko. I'm surprised he's not higher on the list, since "restructuring poorly-managed companies" is the name of his game. Maybe he'll hit the top three next year, but his $8.5 billion is nothing to sneeze at.
5. Jabba the Hut. If I were him, I'd probably use some of his $8.4 billion on lipo.
6. Ebenezer Scrooge. "Lifelong bachelor maintains keen interest in paranormal; claims to pick stocks by consulting with "˜Ghost of Christmas Future.'" Gotta love it. Net Worth: $8 billion
7. Tony Stark. I'm kind of surprised that he's only worth $7.9 billion, but apparently the announcement that he was Iron Man made Stark Industries stock plummet.
8. Thurston Howell III. He has offshore assets. Hee. Net Worth: $6.5 billion.
9. Bruce Wayne. "FBI reportedly investigating violations of the Mann Act related to Wayne's longtime habit of keeping teenage boys as "wards." Again: hee. Net Worth: $5.8 billion.
10. Adrian "Ozymandias" Veidt. Who knew? He's the guy behind the ShamWow and the Snuggie! Net Worth: $5.4 billion.
11. Jed Clampett. Lost $1 billion in a Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme. Net Worth: $3.6 billion.
12. Artemis Fowl II. His wealth is thanks to Irish crime family ties. Net Worth: $1.6 billion.
burns13. C. Montgomery Burns, who would surely be disappointed to know that he didn't even break the top 10. Net Worth: a mere $996 million.
14. Lara Croft. "Spent much of last year buying up Viking rune stones; locals stunned by cultural insensitivity, inappropriate winter attire." I told you Forbes was funny! Net Worth: $900 million.
15. Mr. Monopoly. This one is the best. Rich Uncle Pennybags went totally bankrupt in the 2007 subprime crash, but thanks to Chance and some federal bailout funds from the Community Chest, he made an astounding comeback and started buying "distressed" properties. Net Worth: $800 million.

Love it. But do you think the list is lacking someone? Share your missed moneybags in the comments. (How much is Mr. Pewterschmidt worth, do you think?)

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Let Alexa Help You Brine a Turkey This Thanksgiving
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There’s a reason most of us only cook turkey once a year: The bird is notoriously easy to overcook. You could rely on gravy and cranberry sauce to salvage your dried-out turkey this Thanksgiving, or you could follow cooking advice from the experts.

Brining a turkey is the best way to guarantee it retains its moisture after hours in the oven. The process is also time-consuming, so do yourself a favor this year and let Alexa be your sous chef.

“Morton Brine Time” is a new skill from the cloud-based home assistant. If you own an Amazon Echo you can download it for free by going online or by asking Alexa to enable it. Once it’s set up, start asking Alexa for brining tips and step-by-step recipes customized to the size of your turkey. Two recipes were developed by Richard Blais, the celebrity chef and restaurateur best known for his Top Chef win and Food Network appearances.

Whether you go for a wet brine (soaking your turkey in water, salt, sugar, and spices) or a dry one (just salt and spices), the process isn’t as intimidating as it sounds. And the knowledge that your bird will come out succulent and juicy will definitely take some stress out of the holiday.

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Rey Del Rio/Getty Images
Big Questions
Why Do the Lions and Cowboys Always Play on Thanksgiving?
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Rey Del Rio/Getty Images

Because it's tradition! But how did this tradition begin?

Every year since 1934, the Detroit Lions have taken the field for a Thanksgiving game, no matter how bad their record has been. It all goes back to when the Lions were still a fairly young franchise. The team started in 1929 in Portsmouth, Ohio, as the Spartans. Portsmouth, while surely a lovely town, wasn't quite big enough to support a pro team in the young NFL. Detroit radio station owner George A. Richards bought the Spartans and moved the team to Detroit in 1934.

Although Richards's new squad was a solid team, they were playing second fiddle in Detroit to the Hank Greenberg-led Tigers, who had gone 101-53 to win the 1934 American League Pennant. In the early weeks of the 1934 season, the biggest crowd the Lions could draw for a game was a relatively paltry 15,000. Desperate for a marketing trick to get Detroit excited about its fledgling football franchise, Richards hit on the idea of playing a game on Thanksgiving. Since Richards's WJR was one of the bigger radio stations in the country, he had considerable clout with his network and convinced NBC to broadcast a Thanksgiving game on 94 stations nationwide.

The move worked brilliantly. The undefeated Chicago Bears rolled into town as defending NFL champions, and since the Lions had only one loss, the winner of the first Thanksgiving game would take the NFL's Western Division. The Lions not only sold out their 26,000-seat stadium, they also had to turn fans away at the gate. Even though the juggernaut Bears won that game, the tradition took hold, and the Lions have been playing on Thanksgiving ever since.

This year, the Lions host the Minnesota Vikings.


Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

The Cowboys, too, jumped on the opportunity to play on Thanksgiving as an extra little bump for their popularity. When the chance to take the field on Thanksgiving arose in 1966, it might not have been a huge benefit for the Cowboys. Sure, the Lions had filled their stadium for their Thanksgiving games, but that was no assurance that Texans would warm to holiday football so quickly.

Cowboys general manager Tex Schramm, though, was something of a marketing genius; among his other achievements was the creation of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Schramm saw the Thanksgiving Day game as a great way to get the team some national publicity even as it struggled under young head coach Tom Landry. Schramm signed the Cowboys up for the game even though the NFL was worried that the fans might just not show up—the league guaranteed the team a certain gate revenue in case nobody bought tickets. But the fans showed up in droves, and the team broke its attendance record as 80,259 crammed into the Cotton Bowl. The Cowboys beat the Cleveland Browns 26-14 that day, and a second Thanksgiving pigskin tradition caught hold. Since 1966, the Cowboys have missed having Thanksgiving games only twice.

Dallas will take on the Los Angeles Chargers on Thursday.


Patrick Smith/Getty Images

In 2006, because 6-plus hours of holiday football was not sufficient, the NFL added a third game to the Thanksgiving lineup. This game is not assigned to a specific franchise—this year, the Washington Redskins will welcome the New York Giants.

Re-running this 2008 article a few days before the games is our Thanksgiving tradition.


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