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Reviewing The Wrestling Album

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You'll pay to watch your favorite wrestlers fake-fight, but will you shell out your hard-earned cash to hear them really sing? The Wrestling Album, a 1985 release by the World Wrestling Federation, sought to answer that question. As part of our ongoing commitment to exhaustively covering ill-conceived novelty records by athletes, let's take a track-by-track look at this classic.

Track 1 "“ "Land of a Thousand Dances ?!!?"

Most albums try to open with a strong track to grab the listener's interest. This is not most albums, just as most song covers don't need incredulous punctuation. This dud opens with a whole slew of wrestlers warbling the rock staple with slightly modified lyrics. The wrestlers start grunting, bleating, and choking out individual lines before giving way to another grappler. Years later, it's hard to identify a lot of individual wrestlers' voices, though some come through loud and clear—particularly Freddie Blassie's and the Iron Sheik's. (It's probably a good thing the Sheik was handy with a camel clutch, because his earning potential as a singer would have been limited.)

The aural pain isn't quick, either; the song drags on for over four minutes and gets worse as it progresses with lyrics like "I wanna pound on your wimpy little body/How could you? You're so dang shoddy." Amazingly, this isn't the worst track on the record.

Can anyone stop this madness? Only Rowdy Roddy Piper, who throws an on-tape hissy fit that introduces one of the album's running conceits: between-track commentary by the WWF announcer team of Vince McMahon, "Mean Gene" Okerlund, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Ventura remains in his snotty heel character throughout the record and turns in a truly egregious bit of vocal overacting that's worth the price of the album.

Track 2 "“ "Grab Them Cakes" by Junkyard Dog

14.jpgThe late Junkyard Dog was a man of many talents. He could wear a chain and dog collar and make it look good. He could bodyslam much larger opponents. And he could apparently record a decent song. "Grab Them Cakes," which sees JYD get backing from disco queen Vicki Sue Robinson, is a surprisingly serviceable mid-"˜80's dance track. More impressively, JYD decided to take on a socially important issue in his song: butt-grabbing. (He's strongly in favor of it, it seems.) The Dog is ostensibly providing dancing instructions in the song, but all you have to do is "dig the groove" and "go for your partner's you-know-what." Plus, there's a lot of gratuitous barking, which really helps it stand out from the other dance tracks of its day.

"Grab Them Cakes" was released as a single, and it was successful enough to earn Junkyard Dog a spot on American Bandstand, an opportunity no other wrestler ever received.

Track 3 "“ "Real American" by Rick Derringer

Thanks to this song, no one who spent their formative years watching classic WWF television will ever forget how important it is to "fight for what's right. Fight for your life." Derringer's repetitive guitar rock track later earned a place in wrestling fans' memories when it became Hulk Hogan's entrance music. Even now, it's sort of hard to hear it without cupping a hand to your ear.

Interestingly, though, the song wasn't originally intended for Hogan. As Vince McMahon's between-track commentary reveals, "Real American" was supposed to be the theme music for U.S. Express, a champion tag team of Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda. The Hulkster didn't get start using the song until after the tag team broke up in 1986. Still, though, to the modern ear, this sounds like a deliciously nostalgic big boot to the face.

It's worth listening for the backing vocals of one Mona Flambe. "Flambe" was the pseudonym Cyndi Lauper used to record on this track, a ruse that might have worked marginally better if she didn't have such a distinctive voice and clear ties to the WWF.

Track 4 "“ "Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield" by Jimmy Hart

5.jpgHart, the "Mouth of the South" and pesky manager to wrestlers like the Honky Tonk Man, could really sing, and not just in a "He's not so bad on a WWF record" sense, either. Before Hart ever got into wrestling, he was a vocalist in the Gentrys, a rock band that charted a #4 Billboard hit with its million-selling "Keep on Dancing" in 1965.

Armed with this vocal pedigree and his brand of high-strung humor that endeared him to so many wrestling fans, Hart lays down a diss track on, you guessed it, Rick Springfield. Hart's beef with Springfield isn't totally clear, but it seems to stem from Springfield's stated fondness for girlfriend-stealing.

The track starts out strong with Hart voicing both sides of a conversation between himself and his girlfriend's mother before turning into a competent piece of guitar rock that bears more than a passing resemblance to Springfield's "Jessie's Girl." Although the chorus is more stilted than catchy, Hart acquits himself pretty well here, and it's definitely one of the better tracks on the record.

Track 5 "“ "Captain Lou's History of Music/Captain Lou" by Captain Lou Albano

1.jpgA few paragraphs ago I promised that "Land of a Thousand Dances?!!?" wasn't the worst track on this album. It's truly terrible, but it takes this bomb less than a minute to usurp the throne of awfulness.

The song begins with a lengthy conversation between George "The Animal" Steele and Albano on the history of music before segueing into "Captain Lou," which is apparently a modified cover of an NRBQ song. There's really no good way to describe this track; it's like a tone-deaf Cookie Monster got drunk, took a bunch of stimulants, then waddled into a karaoke bar to scream "Captain Lou, Captain Lou, Captain Lou!" while George Steele moaned in the background. I suppose there's an outside possibility that this isn't the worst piece of music ever recorded, but I'd be willing to bet one of my paired organs that it is.

We'll put an audio clip up here, but I wouldn't recommend listening to it. There's an off chance it could get stuck in your head and drive you to madness.

Track 6 "“ "Hulk Hogan's Theme" by the WWF All Stars

There's not much to say about Hulk Hogan's pre-"Real American" theme song, a nondescript arena rock instrumental that's heavy on keys, wailing guitars, and explosions. It sounds pretty much like any other babyface wrestler's theme song. In this case, though, it's notable for its length: four minutes. Really, the track gets its point across in the first two minutes, and by about the four-minute mark, even the most die-hard Hulkamaniac is probably wishing they hadn't torn off their shirt so early in the song. As a reward for making it through the whole thing, the listener gets to hear Jesse Ventura vomiting in disgust during the commentary track. Now that's showmanship!

Track 7 "“ "For Everybody" by Rowdy Roddy Piper

10.jpgThis one's sort of hard to wrap your head around, but bear with me. In the song, Piper is a Canadian guy playing a Scottish guy trying to sing like a backwoods American singer who's had one too many jars of whiskey. Piper, the WWF's most hated heel at the time, apparently recorded this track as a way of showing his utter contempt for the rest of humanity. Since the promotion catered to children, though, he couldn't sing his real message of "F--- Everybody," so it was neutered to "For Everybody." Not only does this little clean-up job really neuter the viciousness of Piper's message, it makes the sax-heavy song downright confusing. What is for everybody? It's not really clear. What we do know is that Piper still wants us to "kiss [his] trash."

Track 8 "“ "Tutti Frutti" by "Mean" Gene Okerlund

mean-gene.jpgIf this song doesn't make you laugh, you might be legally dead. After all, who better to cover Little Richard than a small, bald, mustachioed wrestling announcer? Okerlund's actually not a bad singer, and he enthusiastically throws himself into the song. The final product is pleasantly surprising, like finding out the creepy old guy who hangs out at the karaoke bar can actually belt one out. The underlying concept of Mean Gene covering Little Richard, though, is too hilarious to overcome, so instead of sounding like a musical triumph, it's the record's comedic high point.

Track 9 "“ "Don't Go Messin' With a Country Boy" by Hillbilly Jim

Thought this was just a rock record? Think again. Hillbilly Jim turns in this track, and while he can't really sing, it's impressive to see just how many country stereotypes the producers crammed into less than three minutes. Fiddles? Check. Down-home backup singers? Got "˜em. Banjo? Yep. Copious use of the Jew's harp? Oh, God, yes. References to moonshine? Abundant. Hillbilly Jim warns listeners of the terrible fate that will befall anyone who might have the audacity to mess with a country boy: "You'd be biting off a hunk too big to chew." Really? That's it? Give it points for being understated, but that doesn't really provide much of a deterrent to messing with a country boy.

Track 10 - "Cara Mia" by Nikolai Volkoff

volkov.jpgThe great thing about wrestling is that no matter how absurd it gets, it can always top itself. The rest of the album might have been bizarre, but the final track kicks things into surreal territory. Volkoff, the WWF's premier "Soviet" heel at the time, recording a dance cover of "Cara Mia" sounds odd, but his earnest voice nearly saves it from being pure camp.

At just under the two-minute mark, though, Volkoff "goes berserk," stops singing, and starts screaming about how he'll show you music with class: Russian music. He then starts an exuberant rendition of the Russian national anthem, much to the disgust of McMahon and Okerlund.

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30 Memorable Quotes from Carrie Fisher
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Just days after suffering a heart attack aboard a flight en route to Los Angeles, beloved actress, author, and screenwriter Carrie Fisher passed away at the age of 60 on December 27, 2016. Though she’ll always be most closely associated with her role as Princess Leia in Star Wars, Fisher’s life was like something out of its own Hollywood movie. Born in Beverly Hills on this day in 1956, Fisher was born into show business royalty as the daughter of singer Eddie Fisher and actress Debbie Reynolds.

In addition to her work in front of the camera, Fisher built up an impressive resume behind the scenes, too, most notably as a writer; in addition to several memoirs and semi-autobiographical novels, including Wishful Drinking, Surrender the Pink, Delusions of Grandma, The Best Awful, Postcards from the Edge, and The Princess Diarist (which was released last month), she was also an in-demand script doctor who counted Sister Act, Hook, Lethal Weapon 3, and The Wedding Singer among her credits.

Though she struggled with alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness, Fisher always maintained a sense of humor—as evidenced by the 30 memorable quotes below.

ON GROWING UP IN HOLLYWOOD

“I am truly a product of Hollywood in-breeding. When two celebrities mate, someone like me is the result.”

“I was born into big celebrity. It could only diminish.”

“At a certain point in my early twenties, my mother started to become worried about my obviously ever-increasing drug ingestion. So she ended up doing what any concerned parent would do. She called Cary Grant.”

“I was street smart, but unfortunately the street was Rodeo Drive.”

“If anything, my mother taught me how to sur-thrive. That's my word for it.”

ON AGING

“As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.”

ON INSTANT GRATIFICATION

“Instant gratification takes too long.”

ON THE LEGACY OF STAR WARS

“People are still asking me if I knew Star Wars was going to be that big of a hit. Yes, we all knew. The only one who didn't know was George.”

“Leia follows me like a vague smell.”

“I signed my likeness away. Every time I look in the mirror, I have to send Lucas a couple of bucks.”

“People see me and they squeal like tropical birds or seals stranded on the beach.”

“You're not really famous until you’re a Pez dispenser.”

ON THE FLEETING NATURE OF SUCCESS

“There is no point at which you can say, 'Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.'”

ON DEALING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

“I'm very sane about how crazy I am.”

ON RESENTMENT

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

ON LOVE

“Someone has to stand still for you to love them. My choices are always on the run.”

“I've got to stop getting obsessed with human beings and fall in love with a chair. Chairs have everything human beings have to offer, and less, which is obviously what I need. Less emotional feedback, less warmth, less approval, less patience, and less response. The less the merrier. Chairs it is. I must furnish my heart with feelings for furniture.”

“I don’t hate hardly ever, and when I love, I love for miles and miles. A love so big it should either be outlawed or it should have a capital and its own currency.”

ON EMOTIONS

“The only thing worse than being hurt is everyone knowing that you're hurt.”

ON RELATIONSHIPS

“I envy people who have the capacity to sit with another human being and find them endlessly interesting, I would rather watch TV. Of course this becomes eventually known to the other person.”

ON HOLLYWOOD

“Acting engenders and harbors qualities that are best left way behind in adolescence.”

“You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.”

“It's a man's world and show business is a man's meal, with women generously sprinkled through it like overqualified spice.”

ON FEAR

“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”

ON LIFE

“I don’t want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.”

“No motive is pure. No one is good or bad-but a hearty mix of both. And sometimes life actually gives to you by taking away.”

“If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that is unacceptable.”

“I shot through my twenties like a luminous thread through a dark needle, blazing toward my destination: Nowhere.”

“My life is like a lone, forgotten Q-Tip in the second-to-last drawer.”

ON DEATH

“You know what's funny about death? I mean other than absolutely nothing at all? You'd think we could remember finding out we weren't immortal. Sometimes I see children sobbing at airports and I think, 'Aww. They've just been told.'”

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As a recurring feature, our team combs the Web and shares some amazing Amazon deals we’ve turned up. Here’s what caught our eye today, October 21.

Mental Floss has affiliate relationships with certain retailers, including Amazon, and may receive a small percentage of any sale. But we only get commission on items you buy and don’t return, so we’re only happy if you’re happy. Good luck deal hunting!

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Cr Sleep Ventilated Memory Foam Bed Pillow with AirCell Technology, Standard, 1-Pack for $25.49 (list price $89.99)

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Monkey Hook Picture Hanger Home and Office Pack, 30 pc set for $11.24 (list price $19.75)

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LED String Lights 33 ft with 100 LEDs, TaoTronics Waterproof Decorative Lights for Bedroom, Patio, Parties ( Copper Wire Lights, Warm White ) for $14.49 (list price $29.99)

Whitmor Supreme Wide Stacking Shelf, Chrome for $15.35 (list price $32.02)

Hoover FH50251PC Power Scrub Elite Pet Carpet Cleaner for $169.99 (list price $189.00)

HEALTH AND BEAUTY

Activated Charcoal Natural Teeth Whitening Powder by Pro Teeth Whitening Co® | High Quality Grey Charcoal (non abrasive and proven safe for enamel) From Coconut Shells | Manufactured in England for $12.99 (list price $29.99)

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Apple Cider Vinegar - Pills for Weight Loss - Includes: Vitamin B6, Spirulina, Lecithin & Kelp - Helps Support Detox, Digestion & Circulation, 350 mg, 90 Capsules for $18.92 (list price $28.59)

B.I.G. Natural Pre Shave Oil, 60 ml for $12.95 (list price $25.00)

Pure Body Naturals Essential Oils Gift Set, Lavender/Tea Tree/Eucalyptus/Lemongrass/Orange/Peppermint, 6 count - 10 ml for $14.95 (list price $17.95)

Colgate Max Fresh Wisp Disposable Travel Toothbrush, Peppermint - 24 Count for $4.99 (list price $7.99)

Nano Towel Makeup Remover Face Cloth. Remove Cosmetics FAST and Chemical Free. Wipes Away Facial Dirt and Oil Like An Eraser. Great for Sensitive Skin, Acne, Exfoliating, Mascara, etc. 7 x 16" for $14.97 (list price $29.99)

CCS Blackhead Remover Pimple Extractor with Instructions for Acne Comedone Whitehead Blemish Zit Removal Tool Kit for $6.97 (list price $49.97)

Oneleaf 2PCS Professional Pedicure Rasp Foot File Cracked Skin Corns Callus Remover for Extra Smooth and Beauty Foot for $9.99 (list price $19.99)

OUTDOORS, GARDEN, AND SPORTS

Wilson Championship Extra Duty Tennis Ball (4-Pack), Yellow for $15.16 (list price $20.18)

Anker Ultra-Bright Tactical Flashlight with 1300 Lumens, Rechargeable(26650 Battery Included), IP67 Water-Resistant, Bolder LC130 LED with 5 Light Modes For Camping, Security, Emergency Use for $45.99 (list price $112.00)

Enkeeo Foldable Fishing Net Triangular Landing Net with Aluminum Pole and Nylon Mesh, 14.6" Wide for $19.99 (list price $39.99)

G4Free 12x25 Compact Binoculars(BAK4,Green Lens),Large Eyepiece Super High-Powered Field Surveillance Binoculars for $24.99 (list price $39.99)

Stansport Canteen, 4-Quart for $7.97 (list price $10.49)

HEIMDALL Safety Whistle with lanyard (2 pack) for Boating Camping Hiking Hunting Emergency Survival Rescue Signaling for $8.95 (list price $10.99)

Veegul Stylish Doctor Style Canvas School Backpack Functional Travel Bag for Men Women Semizipper Pocket x Black VG for $39.99 (list price $74.50)

Enkeeo Foam Roller 13” × 6” EVA with Grid Design Muscle Rollers for Deep Tissue Myofascial Release, Sports Massage and Recovery, Trigger Point Therapy, Pilates & Yoga, Black for $16.99 (list price $29.99)

TOOLS

Pumie Toilet Bowl Ring Remover #TBR-6 for $9.15 (list price $14.33)

Gorilla 7700104 Super Glue Gel, 20g for $5.97 (list price $14.89)

Worthington 336737 WT2301 Trigger Start Propane Torch for $16.97 (list price $19.99)

Bosch T4021 Screwdriver Bit Set, Blue, 21-Piece for $8.17 (list price $14.99)

DEWALT DW1361 Titanium Pilot Point Drill Bit Set, 21-Piece for $19.99 (list price $25.99)

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Stanley 84-056 3-Piece Bi-Material Pliers Set for $13.18 (list price $18.29)

Stanley 55-525 15-inch Super Wonder Bar Pry Bar for $9.89 (list price $13.29)

Picture Hanging Kit Asst for $9.99 (list price $12.99)

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