The Quick 10: 10 Cereals That Will Give You a Toothache Just By Reading About Them

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I could probably eat cereal for every meal. I love Franken-Berry, but I only allow myself to have it once a year (at Halloween, of course). Otherwise I would probably go through the whole box in a day, because I'd eat it for every meal and snack on it dry. Despite my love of cereal, I find these 10 kind of questionable. And if you remember one from your childhood that definitely wouldn't make it to the shelves these days, tell us what it was in the comments.

1. Sir Grapefellow was "grape-flavored oat cereal with sweet grape starbits." I don't want me oats to taste like grapes. Sir Grapefellow himself was a British Flying Ace, circa WWI.

2. Kombos. "Orange-flavored flakes of corn." I don't think corn flakes should taste like fruit, either.

3. Baron von Redberry was Grapefellow's arch nemesis! As his German counterpart, Redberry's cereal was berry-flavored oat flakes with sweet berry marshmallows. Word is, it tasted a lot like fruit punch.
4. Quisp and Quake. Quisp is still sold in my local grocery store. It's "vitamin-powered sugar cereal!" Quisp supposedly tastes like Cap'n Crunch but with a texture that won't cut your gums when you bite into it (can any _flossers verify this?) and Quake was similar, but shaped like gears instead of saucers.

OKS5. OKs. The idea isn't that bad, I don't think - essentially, they're the same as Alpha-Bits. I think it's just the execution of the idea I find a little odd. The dude's name is Big Otis. He had a bit of dialogue on the cereal box: "I am the big oat man from Scotland. And OKs are made of oats. These new Kellogg's OKs are the biggest thing that's happened to oats in 25 years. They are on their way to being the new favorite of kids and adults everywhere. Here's the meat of the oats in it's tenderest, tastiest form. Flavored as only Kellogg's knows how. OKs are rich in special oat protein. Aye, and OKs oats come to breakfast tasting better than you've ever imagined. They're K - E - Double L - O - Double Good!" Thanks to Topher's Breakfast Cereal Guide for the text.

6. Sprinkle Spangles. The cereal was star shaped, and each piece was supposed to be covered in sprinkles. Dom DeLuise was the voice of the Sprinkle Spangles genie, who liked to claim, "You wish it, I dish it!" Photo from X-Entertainment

surprize7. Surprize. AGGGHH!! The spelling, for one, is completely hideous! "Mr. Wonderfull's Surprize"? It burns my retinas. But the very idea of creamy chocolate ("chocolate flavor") lurking in each individual piece of cereal makes me a little urpy. I don't like when there's an unexpected substance in the middle of my food. It's why I don't like raisins in bread or cookies and it's why I can't eat doughnuts with pudding or jelly in the middle. Ew. Sorry for the rant; this one just really grossed me out.

8. KABOOM seems to be similar to other fruit-flavored cereals, except for the terrifying circus theme. That's probably just me, though. It's particularly notable because it was the box of cereal used in the Kill Bill scene where Vernita Green unexpectedly pulls a gun from the box, shoots through it and sends cereal flying all over the kitchen. Get it, "KABOOM!" Oh, that Quentin Tarantino.

BIG MIXX9. Bigg Mixx was sold for only a year in the early '90s, and seems to have basically been a mash-up of whatever leftover cereals the company had after packaging everything else. They pretty much just dumped a bunch of different cereals together and called it Bigg Mixx. I'm strangely intrigued. Anyone ever try this one?
10. Orange Blossom Cereal. This one was named after Strawberry Shortcake's buddy and was an "Artificial orange flavor-frosted corn cereal." I think I just can't get past orange-flavored cereal.

January 20, 2009 - 10:21am
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