When we think of bank robbers, we think of the Golden Age of the Public Enemy, the John Dillingers and Bonnies and Clydes of the 1930s and 40s, when hardscrabble times seemed to call for desperate measures, and the robbers seemed more like gun-toting Robin Hoods than vicious criminals. More recently, the bank robber in popular culture has morphed into the Dangerous Gentleman; think George Clooney in Out of Sight or Cary Grant in To Catch a Thief. Even Al Pacino's angry, strange, likeable character in Dog Day Afternoon. But how the times have changed. These days, the internet is a much more profitable place to do your thieving -- in 2003 and 2004, an estimated $2 billion was stolen from online checking accounts -- leaving real-world stick-up-jobs the province of the desperate, the dumb, and more often than not, the drug-addicted. Recently, weaponless "note-jobs" have largely replaced the loud, aggressive handgun stickups portrayed so often on film, thanks to the offer-no-resistance safety policies of most banks. But the hauls aren't what they used to be -- in the 1970s, robbers could expect to make almost $20,000 from the average haul; these days the average is half that. So what lunk-heads out there are still pulling these low-profit, high-risk crimes? Let's take a gander.
With the recent downturn in the economy dovetailing with an upswing in bank robberies, the Houston branch of the FBI has had trouble keeping the public interested in (and looking out for) the robbers it catches on tape. To combat this problem (and spice things up a bit), it's taken to giving whimsical nicknames to all its suspects. For instance: The "Visine Villain," who robbed a Houston-area bank sporting some seriously bloodshot eyes. The "Bathroom Bandit," who used the loo before looting the bank. The "Hard-Hatted Handyman," who, you guessed it, robbed a bank wearing a hard-hat. Hardly the stuff of legend, these folks.
A few of recent vintage have been more entertaining:
"¢ the "Barbie Bandits," a pair of blonde 19-year-old women who sported ponytails and movie-star sunglasses as they robbed a bank in Atlanta last September.
"¢ the "Grandpa Bandit," a 91-year-old Texan man who tried to hold up his local bank in 2004.
"¢ the "Tie Rob Bandit," a well-dressed East Providence bank robber who passed demand notes that were both curt and courteous: "Give me $3000. I have a gun. Have a nice day."
They're dumber these days
Uncreative disguises aside, bank robbers seem to be getting dumber, as their more-adept criminal brethren shift their efforts to the internet. A few examples from New England's Boston Phoenix:
When it comes to bank robbing, Rhode Island has seen its share of on-the-job buffoonery. Last year, one benighted bank robber in Providence presented the teller with a note demanding "$50s, $30s [sic] and $20s."
Another, in Swansea, Massachusetts, upon being told that the teller had no cash, promptly passed out in shock. (He was still unconscious when the police arrived.) In Cranston, one robber was quickly apprehended after holding up a local bank, wearing a mechanic's shirt with his own name embroidered on the breast pocket.
Meanwhile, in Providence, one armored-car robber's attempt to make a hasty getaway was foiled when he found that his loot was four bags of money containing $3200 — in pennies.
The internet is full of dumb-bank-robber stories, like this one about a guy who robbed a bank while yakking on his cellphone the whole time, or this video of a thwarted robber who couldn't get out of the bank because he was pushing on a door that read "pull." So what's the moral of our story? According to statistics, more than three quarters of all bank robbers get caught -- sometimes as many as 95%, depending on the city -- and given those odds, you're better off in Atlantic City. Bank robbery sure ain't what it used to be.