6 Porn Sites Actually Safe for Work

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1. Espressoporn.blogspot.com

"Espresso in the nude," proclaims this site's top banner (as if it came any other way). What follows, in more than two years of archived posts, is literally nothing but huge close-up photos of espresso caught in various states of creamy expression, dripping into tiny cups. Hey, I like espresso a lot too, but I kind of draw the line at finding it erotic.

2. Foodporn.com

fish.jpgThis site boasts that it's been "Redirecting perverts to the refrigerator since 1999," and follows that up with a stern warning: "This page contains food-oriented graphics. If you are under legal eating age, are offended by food, or if it is illegal to view or consume food in your community, please leave now." Topics are broken up into such naughty-sounding categories as "Amateur" (home-made food), "Asian" (pictures of sushi), "Barely Legal" (homebrewing links; indeed barely legal in some states), "Celebrities" (Alton Brown, Anthony Bourdain and the like), "Hardcore" (erotically-shaped mushrooms) and "Self-Pleasuring" (recipes).

3. Nerd Porn

This isn't just one site, but a whole subgenre of them. According to urbandictionary.com, "Nerd porn is an image or video of a computer or device stripped of its case and surrounding packaging, so that the raw circuitry is exposed." This is a representative site, featuring a pop-up warning demanding that users under 21, "who can't read binary or hex," navigate elsewhere. (Nerd!) What you find are "porn" pics of "semi-nude" computers, with Playboy-style bios attached:
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Lisa is a purple beauty from the sunny coast of California, but she keeps cool so her huge processor won't overheat. Rawr!
Turn-ons: Big, fat tape backups. A sure hand when plugging in cables. Soldering irons. Pocket protectors.
Turn-offs: Dust. Baseball bats. Windows®.

4. Unboxing: Geek Porn

Distinct from nerd porn (in my book, at least), geek porn is a kind of strip-tease for gadget freaks, which consists mainly of videos and pictures of people opening boxes -- iPod boxes, MacBook Boxes (ie, anything Apple makes that comes in a box.) Here's classic bit of geek unboxing porn for you: this video of a guy unboxing his Playstation 3 has been viewed more than 700,000 times, a hit count that would make real porn sites green with envy.

5. Kitty Porn

There are too many kitty porn sites to name, and I'm ashamed to report that even a prestigious blog such as our own has stooped to posting it. (Remember our many LOLcat articles? Total kitty porn.) It's become such a problem that several anti-kitty porn websites have sprung up, dedicated to defending the rights of kitties everywhere, too often photographed against their will in compromisingly cute situations. This site outlines the crisis thusly:

Each day innumerable pictures of young cats go up on the Internet without their knowledge or consent. With a computer and phone line, anyone, even children, can easily find and view these pictures. Kitty porn spans economic lines as well as national borders. While we labor to protect our freedom of speech, who will protect those that cannot speak.

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6. Flora Porn

treewoman.jpgThere's plenty of fauna porn out there (ahem, I'm told), but less-known are the flora sites. Surprisingly, there are several varieties of flora that have their own dedicated porn pages (or at least, blog entries), including trees (shown here at right, probably photoshopped), mushrooms and generalized vegetable porn (broccoli, ginger, cauliflower ... on plates ... by themselves). Who knew the green stuff could be so sexy?

May 2, 2008 - 3:27am
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