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Calculating the Moby Quotient

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If you spent your musically developmental and formative years in the basement of a college radio station, you know the satisfaction that comes from championing some unknown alterna-electro funk band from Portland. With this satisfaction comes the devastating emptiness when they inevitably sell their catchy debut single to Mitsubishi for use in a commercial for a sedan with above average gas mileage. The rise of illegal downloading, the shrinking of radio playlists, and the decline in CD sales have forced many artists to "sell out," often in television commercial form, to make ends meet.

The Washington Post recently enlisted an expert in hyperbolic geometry (!?!) to devise a formula that equates the precise degree of sell-out your favorite garage band has committed, bringing new meaning to the subgenre specific term math-rock. The mathematical result is represented by the Greek letter mu, here as "The Moby Quotient," named for the electronic artist that (in)famously sold every single last song on his 1999 album, Play, to varying commercial interests.

Being an expert in both barely relevant indie-rock minutiae and crippling sell-out related heartbreak, I've compiled a list of the most egregious offenders and punched their stats into the sell-out calculator.

Of Montreal for Outback Steakhouse

Song: "Wraith Pinned to the Mist (And Other Games)"
Not only did Of Montreal allow the steakhouse to use the song, they also changed the words from "Let's pretend we don't exist/Let's pretend we're in Antartica" to "Let's go Outback tonight/Life will still be there tomorrow." Nothing says 18 oz. rib eye medium-rare like Indie-pop!!

Mu =114.98

Devo for Dell Computers

Song: "Watch Us Work It"
Certainly tired of being portrayed as a chubby guy in a suit in Apple commercials, PC company Dell has turned to the next logical place "“ satirical social commentary disguised as angular new wave punk. The Devo track "Watch Us Work It" appears here hawking laptops.

Mu = 39.51

Nick Drake for Volkswagen

Song: "Pink Moon"
This Cabrio commercial not only sold lots and lots of cars. In a perfect stroke of synergy, it also sold lots and lots of Nick Drake albums. The relatively obscure English folk songwriter developed an American cult following based on the success of this advertisement featuring his song "Pink Moon". This commercial was also directed by Little Miss Sunshine duo Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Farris.

Mu = 29.46
(let's not be so hard on him, he'd been dead for over 25 years when the commercial aired)

Sting for Jaguar

Song: "Desert Rose"

Frustrated with regularly selling mere millions of albums, former Police frontman Sting granted British luxury carmakers Jaguar the rights to not only his track "Desert Rose" but also himself. Team Sting shot the video for the single with the intent of pitching it to Jaguar as a commercial. It worked, and Sting gave his song and his likeness to Jaguar for free, figuring it to be worth the asking price in free advertising. Ultimately, Brand New Day became Sting's best selling solo record to date.

Mu = 32.48 (plus an additional one million sell-out points for living in a castle"¦literally)

Band of Horses for Ford Edge

Song: "Funeral"
Northwestern indie-rock group Band of Horses appears in this commercial despite the obviously questionable choice of having a song titled "Funeral" to promote your recall-prone Ford brand. The alternative label Sub-Pop, once famous for anti-commercialism, has seen a handful of their roster promoting such products as M&Ms, McDonalds and Walmart recently. Movin' on up!

Mu = 145.61

Mangesh, Jason and Matthew for Enron

Say an editor or two from mental_floss joined an upstart writer like me (I'd play bass) and formed a dance-punk band, promptly selling our first song to Enron. We'd be so indie that nobody would have ever heard of us. Plus, we could quit these boring day jobs and focus on what really matters "“ the music, man.Mu = 170.44

Plug in your own bands and post your Moby Quotients!

Matthew Smith is an occasional contributor to mentalfloss.com

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25 Benefits of Adopting a Rescue Dog
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According to the ASPCA, 3.3 million dogs enter shelters each year in the United States. Although that number has gone down since 2011 (from 3.9 million) there are still millions of dogs waiting in shelters for a forever home. October is Adopt a Shelter Dog Month; here are 25 benefits of adopting a shelter dog.

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How Urban Legends Like 'The Licked Hand' Are Born
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If you compare the scary stories you heard as a kid with those of your friends—even those who grew up across the country from you—you’ll probably hear some familiar tales. Maybe you tried to summon Bloody Mary by chanting her name in front of the mirror three times in a dark bathroom. Maybe you learned never to wonder what’s under a woman’s neck ribbon. Maybe you heard the one about the girl who feels her dog lick her hand in the middle of the night, only to wake up to find him hanging dead from the shower nozzle, the words “humans can lick too” written on the wall in the dog’s blood.

These ubiquitous, spooky folk tales exist everywhere, and a lot of them take surprisingly similar forms. How does a single story like the one often called “Humans Can Lick Too” or "The Licked Hand" make its way into every slumber party in America? Thrillist recently investigated the question with a few experts, finding that most of these stories have very deep roots.

In the case of The Licked Hand, its origins go back more than a century. In the 1990s, Snopes found that a similar motif dates back to an Englishman’s diary entry from 1871. In it, the diary keeper, Dearman Birchall, retold a story he heard at a party of a man whose wife woke him up in the middle of the night, urging him to go investigate what sounded like burglars in their home. He told his wife that it was only the dog, reaching out his hand. He felt the dog lick his hand … but in the morning, all his valuables were gone: He had clearly been robbed.

A similar theme shows up in the short story “The Diary of Mr. Poynter,” published in 1919 by M.R. James. In it, a character dozes off in an armchair, and thinks that he is petting his dog. It turns out, it’s some kind of hairy human figure that he flees from. The story seems to have evolved from there into its presently popular form, picking up steam in the 1960s. As with any folk tale, its exact form changes depending on the teller: sometimes the main character is an old lady, other times it’s a young girl.

You’ll probably hear these stories in the context of happening to a “friend of a friend,” making you more likely to believe the tale. It practically happened to someone you know! Kind of! The setting, too, is probably somewhere nearby. It might be in your neighborhood, or down by the local railroad tracks.

Thrillist spoke to Dr. Joseph Stubbersfield, a researcher in the UK who studies urban legends, who says the kind of stories that spread widely contain both social information and emotional resonance. Meaning they contain a message—you never know who’s lurking in your house—and are evocative.

If something is super scary or gross, you want to share it. Stories tend to warn against something: A study of English-language urban legends circulating online found that most warned listeners about the hazards of life (poisonous plants, dangerous animals, dangerous humans) rather than any kind of opportunities. We like to warn each other of the dangers that could be lurking around every corner, which makes sense considering our proven propensity to focus on and learn from negative information. And yes, that means telling each other to watch out for who’s licking our hands in the middle of the night.

Just something to keep in mind as you eagerly await Jezebel’s annual scary story contest.

[h/t Thrillist]

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