Will Celibacy Turn Paris Into a Genius?

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With CNN reporting that Paris Hilton has apparently sworn off boys and taken some sort of vow of celibacy (that's hot!), it strikes me that Paris might be blossoming into the genius we always knew she was. Seriously, consider all the geniuses who've given up sex, and focused on their resumes instead:

  • Nikola Tesla: Genius behind AC current, the real brains behind the radio (take that, Marconi!), and notorious lover of pigeons. Celibate.
  • Isaac Newton: Gravity, a giant of physics and calculus, supposed inventor of the cat flap. Celibate.
  • John Harvey Kellogg: Inventor of the Corn Flake. Married, but celibate.
  • Samuel Tilden: NY governor, famously won 51% of the vote in the presidential election against Rutherford B. Hayes, but fell one vote short of the needed electoral total. Would have definitely avoided sex scandals in the White House since he was an avowed celibate.
  • Florence Nightingale: Defined the role of nurses as a respectable position in society, inspired the term "Florence Nightingale Syndrome" since tons of her patients fell in love with her and she turned down countless proposals, died "unspoiled" at age 90.
  • George Bernard Shaw: Irish playwright, Nobel Prize-winner, lost his virginity at 29 to an heiress 15 years older than him, and then supposedly remained celibate for the rest of his life (he lived to be 94).
  • A.C. Green: Lakers All-Star, famously began and ended his basketball career a virgin. Definitely helped his career.

So, just how smart is Paris going to get if she stays celibate? I'm predicting if she can keep with it, she'll be making great strides in advanced calculus and economic theory within the year.

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August 8, 2006 - 8:34am
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