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9 Tips for Planning a William Taft Birthday Bash

Looking for a way to liven up your Saturday night? Here’s a complete idiot’s guide to throwing a 155th birthday bash for America’s largest-and-in-chargest commander-in-chief: the great William Howard Taft.

1. The Food

Almonds, almonds, and more almonds. Smokehouse, cinnamon, vinegar, chocolate – any flavor under the sun. Big Lub, as he was fondly known, couldn’t get enough of these delectable little nuts. In fact, he was known to consume a pound in a single sitting (in case you were wondering, that’s about 2640 calories). Perhaps all that noshing helped him pack 332 pounds onto his 6’2” frame. But being a big dude had its advantages: Taft was Yale’s intramural heavyweight wrestling champion.

2. The Décor

Taft is the only president to have ever served as Chief Justice on the Supreme Court. He is also the only president to have ever gotten stuck in a bathtub. Guess which distinction people remember more? After this embarrassing incident, Taft had a super-sized tub installed in the White House – one big enough to fit four normal-sized men. If you’re throwing a true-to-form Taft bash, try swapping out your sofas for a few colossal tubs. This type of seating affords a more intimate environment and the opportunity to take a bunch of awkward Facebook photos.

3. The Guest List

Invite everyone you know – as long as they’re not bald. Taft’s wife Nellie was inexplicably creeped out by bald men. She declared that all waiters must have hair and banned all bald-headed butlers from the dining room. At your bash, strive to keep your BQ (baldness quotient) as low as possible. But if Uncle Joe absolutely insists on coming, hand him a toupee at the door.

4. The Dress Code

Make your party a formal affair and require guests to wear dress robes. Taft never felt more comfortable than when he was donning his (very) big, black Chief Justice uniform. Even when he was president, all the man ever wanted was a seat on the Supreme Court. While serving as chief executive, Taft lamented, “If I were now presiding on the Supreme Court, I should be the happiest man alive.” Following four unhappy years in the Oval Office, Taft finally got his wish in 1921, when Warren G. Harding appointed him Chief Justice. He served for over 8 years and was immensely popular among political comrades – more popular than he’d ever been as president.

5. The Drinks

Baileys Irish Cream, White Russians, or plain old vanilla milkshakes. Taft is the last president to have kept a cow on the White House lawn – a fine Holstein by the name of Pauline Wayne. A gift from Wisconsin Senator Walter Stephenson, the beloved Pauline supplied fresh milk for the entire Taft family for two years. After Taft left office, he shipped Pauline back to Stephenson’s farm, where he proclaimed she would “add dignity to his herd.” Follow his lead, and add some dignity to your bash with creamy, dairy-based cocktails.

6. The VIPs

Taft was the last president to sport a mustache. In fact, he was the last president to have any kind of facial hair while in office. Similar to last month’s Benjamin Harrison bash, have a special section reserved for mustachioed guests. These VIPs get all sorts of special treatment – plush bathrobes, free slippers, and dibs on the corner piece of birthday cake.

7. The Entertainment

Nothing livens up a party like an All-American game of baseball. Taft loved the sport. In fact, he was the first president to throw the opening pitch for the first game of the season during a 1910 game between the Washington Senators and the Philadelphia Athletics. The presidential tradition continues today.

8. The Music

Taft liked to sleep . . . a lot. In fact, some historians suspect that he may have been narcoleptic. To wake him from his desk whenever he dozed off, Nellie would blast Enrique Caruso – a famous Italian tenor. Make sure your party playlist includes all the Caruso classics: “Vesti la giubba,” “Mi par d’udir ancora,” and “O Sole Mio (remix ft. Ludacris).”

9. The Rules

Before things get too wild, it’s important to lay down the law. No politics permitted. Taft described the 1907 presidential campaign as "one of the most uncomfortable four months of my life." And once in office, Taft declared that he didn’t give a “tinkers damn” about how his decisions would affect his political prospects. Take a cue from Big Bill and put a moratorium on politics for the evening. Trust us – your guests will thank you.

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Lavishing your furry friends with adorable attire is a benefit of pet ownership that they don't mention on the adoption forms. Whether you prefer practical clothing like sweaters and jackets or statement pieces like bow ties and tutus, these dapper duds are perfect for a howl-iday or "gotcha day" gift, or simply for saying, "Who's the cutest little pupper in pajamas? You are!"

1. CASHMERE DOG SWEATER; FROM $165

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This classic cable-knit cashmere sweater is a sophisticated look for Fido or Finn. Get it from Canine Styles, a luxury dog emporium in New York City that has plenty of posh and preppy outfits.

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2. TOGGLE DOG COAT; $85

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Find It: Etsy

5. POODLE SKIRT OUTFIT FOR DOGS; $26

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6. RIBBED CROCHET BUNNY SWEATER; $25

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Your snuggle-bunny will look like a little fancy-pants in this ribbed crochet sweater. Choose from seven colors, including this dashing deep red.

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8. HOT PINK DOG TUTU; $17

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Tutus look absolutely adorable on tiny humans and animals alike. If your pooch wants to get in touch with its inner ballerina, then grab this hot pink number from Etsy. Rave reviews are a sure thing.

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This pink polo shirt is perfect for your preppy fur baby. It features not one but a veritable multitude of crocodiles. They'll be the most dapper dog at the country club.

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Pet Neck Ruff
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12. CHICKEN SWEATER; $25

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Chickens can get cold when they're strutting around outside. A sweater (well, more like sweater vest) for your bird can also help prevent feather picking during molting season. Or, it can simply keep them warm while they stare pensively across a snowy landscape.

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13. PET CIRCLE SCARF; $15

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An infinity scarf is a perfect burst of color on a dreary early morning walk. The proprietor of Mitten Made on Etsy originally designed this wool snood for her miniature Dachshund to help keep her warm during the long, cold winters in Michigan.

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This timeless yellow rain slicker will look great on any puppy when it's raining cats and dogs. It's made of 100 percent waterproof nylon shell that keeps fur dry. Bonus: It's perfect for an It Halloween costume.

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15. LACE CAT OR DOG COLLAR; FROM $10

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This handmade, white lace collar is a must-have for fancy felines. It's also embellished with a large rhinestone.

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16. FITWARM PENGUIN PAJAMAS FOR DOGS; FROM $10

Fitwarm Cute Penguin Xmas Dog Pajamas
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Keep your pupper warm on cold winter nights with these penguin PJs. They're great for doggie sleepovers or lazy weekends on the couch watching Netflix.

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17. PLAID CASHMERE DOG COAT; FROM $225

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Your dog will look like a proper gentleman in this smart plaid peacoat. This fine garment is made of cashmere with a faux fur lining and leather buttons, and is a perfect shield against chill and fog.

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18. SATIN PET BOW TIE; FROM $8

Satin Bow Tie for Dog
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This satin doggie bow tie is perfect for any occasion. It comes in several colors and features a Velcro fastener that makes it easy to attach to a collar. Plus, 10 percent of every sale goes to charity: specifically to SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) and Feeding Pets of the Homeless.

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19. RED DOG DRESS; FROM $34

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Your pooch will be ready to stun at any black tie event. This tie is designed like a collar, making it easy to dress your four-legged friend. This Etsy store gives back: 10 perfect of all sales are donated to an animal protection association.

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21. NAUTICAL DOG DRESS WITH MATCHING LEASH; $20

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22. TARTAN FLANNEL PET BOW TIE; $5.50

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Your dog or cat will turn heads in this flannel tartan bow tie. It has a convenient elastic loop that slides over your pup's collar.

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